Would you adopt a teen?

[Anonymous]

I would be worried about accruing legal liability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Calling someone a do gooder for wanting to do this is just plain rude.
The term white savior is rude too. We are white with an adopted black child, now a tween, who we love as our own. Heard that word get thrown around too.

OP go for it, we have a friend fostering a 12yo because they have 2 slightly older boys and felt they could handle it. He is thriving with them. The end goal is obviously reunification but while he’s with them he’s doing really well.


This hits on an issue not explicitly discussed in this thread. Setting aside adopting a baby or little kid who then grows up, there are really two ways to have an adopted teen:
* foster a teen whose goal starts out as reunification, but eventually goes through termination of parental rights and is adopted
* adopt a teen whose parental rights have already been terminated and is free for adoption

Those are quite different. Most states (including DC and MD) are very very hesitant to TPR without an adoptive placement lined up, so a kid who is legally free is exceptional (and often exceptionally challenging to parent and/or will need lifelong care for disabilities). Kids on the adoptuskids website and similar (where Barker's Project Wait No Longer places kids from) are there because their foster families would not adopt them, there were no relatives willing or able to do so, and the child welfare agency couldn't find any adoptive family within their existing network of foster parents either. There is probably a reason for this, and they are not going to tell you the whole reason when you apply (they may not know it, or they may be so eager to get a kid placed that they gloss over it). Those kids still need caring adults in their lives, and if OP is prepared to do that it's great. But it is different than fostering a kid who has been recently removed and letting the court process play out, which usually results in the kid returning to parents or extended family or aging out (where OP could still be an ongoing and helpful presence if the kid is willing). I still think OP should do respite care, volunteer with DCFYI, or find other ways to support kids in or at risk of going into care and then make an informed decision. It is so so hard but someone needs to do it, and maybe OP is someone who can.

This is really important to focus on. I adopted older siblings, one of whom was extremely FASD affected while the older was not. The issues that I now know stem from the FASD were completely ascribed to emotional trauma. I know now that if a child has had multiple foster care placements, then something is amiss, and likely due to cognitive/behavioral issues, most likely stemming from pre-natal exposure brain damage. That is in addition to whatever trauma the child has experienced. The PP who asked you whether you would be comfortable having your youngest child living in a house witnessing holes getting punched in walls, curses getting hurled at their parents or even potential violence was spot on, as well as those posters who pointed out that sexual abuse/extreme behaviors are also likely. Let your youngest child enjoy their remaining teen years at home getting to have their unique relationship with their parents (when they have always been the tag-along youngest). Do some of the respite or mentoring work in the meantime, but not anything that involves having to up-end the life of your child at home. It just isn't fair to them and they will resent you for it.

[Anonymous]

No, you could really create problems for your youngest child. Wait until they are all in college and mostly out of the house before you adopt a teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, another way to add to your family besides actual adoption might be to "adopt/mentor" a foster child who has just aged out of the system at 18.

There are programs which assist with this, I believe. I think the benefit here is that the young person you are helping actually chooses that connection with a family.

I think this would be safer for your biological children.

[Anonymous]

Not if I had three teens at home! If, sadly, it did not turn out well your current family dynamic could blow up on you. Could you do it as empty nesters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

I would say you should probably expect this to happen. Adopting a teen is by definition an open adoption. You can’t cut them off from everything that happened before.

Another thing to consider is finances. Therapy is not covered by in-network insurance usually, and once you adopt, it’s your financial responsibility. As is getting the kid to and from therapy, going to IEP meetings, talking to the school, taking kid to school placement …

Ok, this part is probably inaccurate. Nearly every teen adopted from foster care is going to qualify for ongoing assistance, which generally includes Medicaid and a monthly stipend. https://nacac.org/help/adoption-assistance/ has information by state. But I agree with the rest. Again, not a reason to avoid it. But by adopting a teen you are getting involved not just with a kid but a whole family. It's like getting married and having in-laws. It can be great, or not. There might be relatives who are supportive and helpful but just can't parent a kid, and ones who are harmful. And who is who might change over time.

Its almost impossinle to find a therapist who takes regular private insurance around here.
Medicaid!??! LOL.

[Anonymous]

I would do it after my children have gone off to school. I would be concerned about an unrelated teen in the house harming them in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you decide to proceed, wait until your youngest child is out of the house. It’s one thing for you to take this on, it’s another to impose this on your child and impact their last years at home.

I wish you the best of luck if you decide to proceed.

In other words, wait until youngest graduates from college. You may feel differently by then. In the meantime, volunteer.

[Anonymous]

Maybe start with fostering like others have said. That will give you experience with all different ages. And you will see all types of issues and learn what you can or can’t handle.

I adopted a toddler internationally when I had 3 bio kids and DCUM was very negative but it is going great. DCUM is very anti-adoption in general, so only listen to the people who speak from experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have thought about adoption for years and years but it's never been the "right" time. We have 16 year old twins who will go to college in 2 years and a 13 year old. We love parenting and are pretty good at it. Considering looking into teenage adoption in 18-24 months. Youngest would be 15 at that time.
I know this is fraught with potential issues but thoughts?

I would wait until youngest is gone to college, no point complicating their last few years at home, considering any potential issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many abused animals need a loving home too. Consider rescuing a pet instead.

If everyone focused on animals, who'll rescue human children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many abused animals need a loving home too. Consider rescuing a pet instead.

People should come before animals.

This^. Priorities.

[Anonymous]

NO. You have your own teens. Prioritize them. At a minimum wait until they are in their twenties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many abused animals need a loving home too. Consider rescuing a pet instead.

People should come before animals.

This^. Priorities.

100%

[Anonymous]

In Baltimore kids are committing murder by age 10. So, no, not interested.