Would you adopt a teen?

[Anonymous]

I’d wait until your youngest goes to college.

The risk of sexual abuse is too high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling someone a do gooder for wanting to do this is just plain rude.
The term white savior is rude too. We are white with an adopted black child, now a tween, who we love as our own. Heard that word get thrown around too.

OP go for it, we have a friend fostering a 12yo because they have 2 slightly older boys and felt they could handle it. He is thriving with them. The end goal is obviously reunification but while he’s with them he’s doing really well.

This hits on an issue not explicitly discussed in this thread. Setting aside adopting a baby or little kid who then grows up, there are really two ways to have an adopted teen:
* foster a teen whose goal starts out as reunification, but eventually goes through termination of parental rights and is adopted
* adopt a teen whose parental rights have already been terminated and is free for adoption

Those are quite different. Most states (including DC and MD) are very very hesitant to TPR without an adoptive placement lined up, so a kid who is legally free is exceptional (and often exceptionally challenging to parent and/or will need lifelong care for disabilities). Kids on the adoptuskids website and similar (where Barker's Project Wait No Longer places kids from) are there because their foster families would not adopt them, there were no relatives willing or able to do so, and the child welfare agency couldn't find any adoptive family within their existing network of foster parents either. There is probably a reason for this, and they are not going to tell you the whole reason when you apply (they may not know it, or they may be so eager to get a kid placed that they gloss over it). Those kids still need caring adults in their lives, and if OP is prepared to do that it's great. But it is different than fostering a kid who has been recently removed and letting the court process play out, which usually results in the kid returning to parents or extended family or aging out (where OP could still be an ongoing and helpful presence if the kid is willing). I still think OP should do respite care, volunteer with DCFYI, or find other ways to support kids in or at risk of going into care and then make an informed decision. It is so so hard but someone needs to do it, and maybe OP is someone who can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

I would say you should probably expect this to happen. Adopting a teen is by definition an open adoption. You can’t cut them off from everything that happened before.

Another thing to consider is finances. Therapy is not covered by in-network insurance usually, and once you adopt, it’s your financial responsibility. As is getting the kid to and from therapy, going to IEP meetings, talking to the school, taking kid to school placement …

Ok, this part is probably inaccurate. Nearly every teen adopted from foster care is going to qualify for ongoing assistance, which generally includes Medicaid and a monthly stipend. https://nacac.org/help/adoption-assistance/ has information by state. But I agree with the rest. Again, not a reason to avoid it. But by adopting a teen you are getting involved not just with a kid but a whole family. It's like getting married and having in-laws. It can be great, or not. There might be relatives who are supportive and helpful but just can't parent a kid, and ones who are harmful. And who is who might change over time.

The stipend is quickly eaten up in a couple therapy appts leaving a lack of coverage for the remaining appts. And if in patient care is needed - even the best insurance doesn’t provide much coverage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t until all my kids were launched.

This. Or at least out of the house. 15 years old is a stage when she needs your attention and has needs and you’re suddenly busy with a new child. The dynamic changes, you’d all need to establish new family dynamic. It doesn’t look to me like a good idea. This is not a puppy that you’re adopting, but a human, with their likes, dislikes, routines, personality, etc. Don’t add stress to your teen’s life.

[Anonymous]

Im sorry you’re getting such venom here, OP. (There’s good advice too.) Maybe look for an online community specifically for adopters or fosterers. I’m sure there and plenty on Facebook and perhaps stand alone sites too. They might be more friendly to this question.

[Anonymous]

Whether or not you pursue this, thank you, OP, for considering adopting a teen. I’m a foster parent who said “no teens” but—as things go when you’re on the emergency call list—we’ve wound up fostering three teens. And I’m so, so glad we did. Won’t get into it all here, but those three have places in my heart forever. None had actual behavior problems….just normal human reactions to tough life circumstances. And one helped my younger daughter work thru a bullying situation at school. We’re lucky we had a chance to foster our teens and I wish other people knew reality vs. just the horror stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not since you have three bio kids. Focus on your three bio kids for now. Do not screw up their lives like this.

I agree with this (hopefully with more empathy than PP). My kids are very young but I understand the adolescent years are busy and fraught with challenges. I think both your bio kids and your potential adoptive kid(s) will be better off if you wait for your youngest to fly the coop, and would only require you to wait a few more years.

You’re a good person OP.

Agree with pp. Focus on your own kids for now. An incoming adopted teen will find it hard to fit in and feel truly loved when there are 3 bio kids in the house. This dynamic is challenging even for those raised from infancy.

--an adoptee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

I would say you should probably expect this to happen. Adopting a teen is by definition an open adoption. You can’t cut them off from everything that happened before.

Another thing to consider is finances. Therapy is not covered by in-network insurance usually, and once you adopt, it’s your financial responsibility. As is getting the kid to and from therapy, going to IEP meetings, talking to the school, taking kid to school placement …

Ok, this part is probably inaccurate. Nearly every teen adopted from foster care is going to qualify for ongoing assistance, which generally includes Medicaid and a monthly stipend. https://nacac.org/help/adoption-assistance/ has information by state. But I agree with the rest. Again, not a reason to avoid it. But by adopting a teen you are getting involved not just with a kid but a whole family. It's like getting married and having in-laws. It can be great, or not. There might be relatives who are supportive and helpful but just can't parent a kid, and ones who are harmful. And who is who might change over time.

The stipend is quickly eaten up in a couple therapy appts leaving a lack of coverage for the remaining appts. And if in patient care is needed - even the best insurance doesn’t provide much coverage.

What are you talking about? You can put a foster child on your insurance if you get a court order and child comes with medicaid. When adopted, they'd constitute to get the medicaid and an adoption subsidy. There are no co-pays or deductibles. While in foster care before adoption, anything not covered child welfare pays for (i.e. neuropsych)

[Anonymous]

So many abused animals need a loving home too. Consider rescuing a pet instead.

[Anonymous]

You will make your youngest’s life very very hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

I would say you should probably expect this to happen. Adopting a teen is by definition an open adoption. You can’t cut them off from everything that happened before.

Another thing to consider is finances. Therapy is not covered by in-network insurance usually, and once you adopt, it’s your financial responsibility. As is getting the kid to and from therapy, going to IEP meetings, talking to the school, taking kid to school placement …

Ok, this part is probably inaccurate. Nearly every teen adopted from foster care is going to qualify for ongoing assistance, which generally includes Medicaid and a monthly stipend. https://nacac.org/help/adoption-assistance/ has information by state. But I agree with the rest. Again, not a reason to avoid it. But by adopting a teen you are getting involved not just with a kid but a whole family. It's like getting married and having in-laws. It can be great, or not. There might be relatives who are supportive and helpful but just can't parent a kid, and ones who are harmful. And who is who might change over time.

The stipend is quickly eaten up in a couple therapy appts leaving a lack of coverage for the remaining appts. And if in patient care is needed - even the best insurance doesn’t provide much coverage.

What are you talking about? You can put a foster child on your insurance if you get a court order and child comes with medicaid. When adopted, they'd constitute to get the medicaid and an adoption subsidy. There are no co-pays or deductibles. While in foster care before adoption, anything not covered child welfare pays for (i.e. neuropsych)

what I mean is that you have no idea what you are talking about as you make it sound like benefits are bottomless, copays are nothing, and therapists are lining up and have plenty of availability. And you totally ignored residential care. Insurance covers a tiny portion of at all and medicaid is not much better. Oh and that will only matter if you can find a placeZ

[Anonymous]

This is not the right place for an empathetic view on almost anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

I would say you should probably expect this to happen. Adopting a teen is by definition an open adoption. You can’t cut them off from everything that happened before.

Another thing to consider is finances. Therapy is not covered by in-network insurance usually, and once you adopt, it’s your financial responsibility. As is getting the kid to and from therapy, going to IEP meetings, talking to the school, taking kid to school placement …

Ok, this part is probably inaccurate. Nearly every teen adopted from foster care is going to qualify for ongoing assistance, which generally includes Medicaid and a monthly stipend. https://nacac.org/help/adoption-assistance/ has information by state. But I agree with the rest. Again, not a reason to avoid it. But by adopting a teen you are getting involved not just with a kid but a whole family. It's like getting married and having in-laws. It can be great, or not. There might be relatives who are supportive and helpful but just can't parent a kid, and ones who are harmful. And who is who might change over time.

The stipend is quickly eaten up in a couple therapy appts leaving a lack of coverage for the remaining appts. And if in patient care is needed - even the best insurance doesn’t provide much coverage.

What are you talking about? You can put a foster child on your insurance if you get a court order and child comes with medicaid. When adopted, they'd constitute to get the medicaid and an adoption subsidy. There are no co-pays or deductibles. While in foster care before adoption, anything not covered child welfare pays for (i.e. neuropsych)

what I mean is that you have no idea what you are talking about as you make it sound like benefits are bottomless, copays are nothing, and therapists are lining up and have plenty of availability. And you totally ignored residential care. Insurance covers a tiny portion of at all and medicaid is not much better. Oh and that will only matter if you can find a placeZ

Actually I do know on multiple levels. If a child is a teen and in foster care, they have access to other residential facilities that are different. Clearly you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many abused animals need a loving home too. Consider rescuing a pet instead.

People should come before animals.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t do this with a 15 yr old in the home for many reasons. I would foster after she went to college.