Reply to S/o how to ensure I’m not a burden on my kids as I age

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The most helpful thing my mom has done is being transparent with her assets.  We have a spreadsheet, I have account numbers, usernames and passwords. I know where everything is and who to contact if needed.

And I agree that I refuse to burden my children with constant need for attention when I’m older.  I’ve been doing the obligatory twice a week visits with my mom for almost a year.  It’s a lot.  And it’s constant guilt tripping that I’m not there enough.

One thing I would have done differently- not required two independent doctors to certify she is unable to handle her affairs.  She trusts me and it was a little hassle to get have to reach out to two doctors for the letters I needed for a POA.

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PP, I was curious about your second point: feeling guilt-tripped into spending time with your mom. I hear this sentiment in one form or another frequently on this forum. Is it that you don't have a good relationship with your mom or that she complains that you don't see her enough or what? What would be the ideal frequency to visit with her in your mind? I admit that I too sometimes felt that spending time with my aging parents was a chore, but I also wonder how this could be reframed in our minds or handled differently as we age ourselves. The reality is that people in their 80s are probably not going to have too many friends or social contacts left (many have died or can't manage visits) and we--the offspring--literally may be the only people they see all week. We may find ourselves in this situation as well one day (God help us). I also realize that people are living way too long these days, so these tensions can last for decades. I don't know what the answer is to this, but I am open to hearing from others how to deal with it. [/quote]

I’m the PP about having to see my mom twice a week.  We are very close and I love her very much.  She is in assisted living and part of a sub-group there that’s sort of transitionary for people suffering from cognitive impairment.  There’s about ten of them and they have separate activities during the week when their counselor is there.  So she’s really busy during the week and she has made friends there.  I also know that logically that she’s not going to be around forever and I’m going to be devastated when she’s gone.  I see her twice a week, every week.  Once in an evening after work and one day when I’m off work.  If it was up to her I’d come a third time, at a minimum.  She’s extremely codependent.  Personally I think once a week would be ideal.

My issue is that I’m a total sandwich generation- I have a full time job, a husband, kids, a house to maintain and the remnants of a social life (which has really taken a hit the last year or two).  I never have any time for me.  All of my time is devoted to others.  It takes me months to schedule a haircut or a dental cleaning or a mammogram or anything that isn’t a necessity because there is only so much time in a day.  I’ve lost touch with most of my friends because they eventually stop inviting me to things when the answer is always no.  I accept the sacrifice I make for kids because that was a choice I made.  And I logically recognize that my mom took care of me when I was young so it’s a payback for her.  But at what cost?

My mom unloads on me every time I see her with whatever the complaints of the week are.  It’s just a totally unhealthy dynamic and one I can’t seem to fix.  I may get to her place and she’ll be smiling and happy and enjoying her time and within an hour of my arrival she’s miserable and complaining about this or that or this person or that ailment and it’s a lot.  Every visit I leave with a list of things she needs or a list of calls to make to set up appointments for her, and every time I come I bring whatever it is that she indicated she needed from the last visit that I’ve since procured for her.  I leave the visits completely drained.  Every time, twice a week, it’s absolutely exhausting.

I wish I knew the answer.  It’s truly a lose-lose situation.[/quote]

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