What do you say when someone wants you to validate their behavior but they're wrong?

[Anonymous]

Ok it really depends on the situation. Because I actually think most of the time, the correct answer is "I don't feel comfortable getting in the middle of it -- I love you both and I'm sure you'll work it out." And then hold firm and don't discuss it with EITHER of them.

I think that's the answer like 90% of the time because often when feelings are hurt between friends, both people are a little bit right and a little bit wrong. Like if Carol cancelled on Joanne last minute, and Joanne got pissed and stopped talking to Carol, then maybe Carol is wrong for cancelling as she did, but also Joanne is totally shutting down the situation and not giving Carol any room to apologize or make up for it. I might think one of them is more wrong than the other based on my own personal experiences, or even based on which friend I like more. But those aren't good reasons to weigh in. It's not a situation that requires an arbiter and I would resist appeals from either friend to make me take sides. You guys work it out. I love you both.

The 10% of the time when I do think it's worth weighing in is when someone has done something truly hurtful, especially if it was intentional or really hit someone in a vulnerable spot. So say Carol was supposed to drive Joanne to her chemotherapy appointment, and then canceled last minute knowing that Joanne is really struggling right now and was not just looking for a ride but also moral support. In that case, I would say, "Carol, you know you messed up. Whatever the reason you bailed, Joanne REALLY needed you and canceling just made it that much harder for her to go to her appointment. You need to apologize and own up to it. I still love you, but I think you know what you did was wrong." THAT is when it is worthwhile to call a friend out for bad behavior. But it needs to be actually bad behavior and not just like a difference of opinion over etiquette or some kind of misunderstanding. And you also better have the details right, because if it turns out Carol didn't actually cancel last minute and Joanne is being manipulative, now you'll have unnecessarily pissed of Carol. So tread REAL carefully with this one.

[Anonymous]

Hearing "that's hard" and "that's frustrating" when I'm in the wrong don't help me be a better person

It's not your job to make me a better person

Truly, that's what I think. I do not think that is what friends are for. How arrogant of YOU to think that's your job!

Now, if I ask for your advice, that's completely different.

[Anonymous]

"That's a tough situation. Maybe Larla misunderstood you or has something going on we don't know about. Can you let this one go and make a fresh start with her?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Girl please. You know you can’t cance like that on Larla. She got a sitter for her littles and got her hair did.”

+1

Direct and to the point

[Anonymous]

For me, this varies by friend.

I know some people only want to hear they're right, so they get a "Oh, how frustrating!" from me.

And others care about being better friends/better people, and they get an "I know you're upset/annoyed, but it sounds as though [situation the way I see it]. Is that possible? Does that change your feelings?" or an "I would X too, though. [reason] I'm on Team [Object of wrath] here."

[Anonymous]

You can validate their feelings without validating their behavior.

"That sounds like a tough situation. I can tell that you are really upset/angry/sad (whatever).
I think you are saying that you were trying to accomplish X but Mary was upset that what happened was Y".

You can also turn it around.

"It sounds like Mary wanted X and you did Y. It sounds like Mary wants an apology."

And lastly if she really pushes you, you can be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend tends to do that. I validate her feelings first, then insert an explanation to make her see the situation from the other person's/regulation's point of view, and show her that the other entity has a legitimately different view of the situation. I don't do that all the time, because it gets tedious, but usually when I'm feeling particularly engaged, or when it's a person I know, or a situation I am familiar with.

Do we have the same best friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the idea is to validate feelings (which are never wrong) but not the behavior, which may be wrong.

“It can be really frustrating and confusing when a friend reacts in a way you didn’t expect. Everyone has that experience sometimes, so I totally get that you are upset. Why do you think your friend reacted the way she did?”

You speak to adults like this?

No need to talk down to people. You don't need to parent other adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: My friend Mary offended another friend of hers (whom I don't know). She told me what happened and wants me to say how the other person was wrong, but really... Mary was totally wrong and if it were me, I would also have been offended. What do you tell people when they're expecting you to agree with them but really they are in the wrong?

The truth.

[Anonymous]

A lot of these response sound tedious AF to me.

I do not think it's my job to "make my friend a better person" or help them improve on their behavior towards other people. They are an adult and I'm not their mommy. I can offer my opinion but the goal should not be to "help them improve."

OP, the only thing you need to weigh in on her is if your friend's behavior is upsetting to YOU. That's it, that's the relevant relationship. How Mary and her friend resolve their disagreement is their business. But if Mary did something that you personally find upsetting and it is impacting how you see Mary or has you wondering if Mary is the person you thought she was, then sure, say something. But don't couch it as "oh let me explain to you how your are incorrect in this situation so you can do better the next time," like you're a kindergarten teacher. Tell her "whoa, actually it bothers me that you did that, I would be really hurt if you did that to me." Make it about your relationship, because that's what is actually bothering you.

And if doing that sounds over the top because it turns out whatever Mary did is not actually offensive to you, it's just that you would have handled it differently, then say nothing because it turns out it doesn't matter that much and is really none of your business.

Most of the suggested "feedback" on this thread would annoy the crap out of me because it sounds condescending. Both the validating comments and the "let me help you make better choices" comments. Seriously, that's how you talk to a 4 year old. I would have patience for that from a peer.

[Anonymous]

Op here,

This is a friend who frequently is rude to me and says hurtful things. I usually call her out on it. So when she’s telling me that someone else is sad/angry/hurt because of what she said, part of me wants to be like “well you DO do that”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here,

This is a friend who frequently is rude to me and says hurtful things. I usually call her out on it. So when she’s telling me that someone else is sad/angry/hurt because of what she said, part of me wants to be like “well you DO do that”.

Then your issue is not what she did to another friend. It's that you think she's rude to YOU and this is just re-enforcing that perception.

So you don't validate her behavior or lecture her about what she did in this other situation. You set proper boundaries in your relationship and if she cannot stop being rude and hurtful to you, you withdraw from the friendship.

Why would you want to be friends with someone who is rude and hurtful to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: My friend Mary offended another friend of hers (whom I don't know). She told me what happened and wants me to say how the other person was wrong, but really... Mary was totally wrong and if it were me, I would also have been offended. What do you tell people when they're expecting you to agree with them but really they are in the wrong?

The truth.

+1

Some people just expect you to blow smoke up their butt and co-sign anything they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here,

This is a friend who frequently is rude to me and says hurtful things. I usually call her out on it. So when she’s telling me that someone else is sad/angry/hurt because of what she said, part of me wants to be like “well you DO do that”.

WHY is this person your friend at all????

[Anonymous]

"Larla, I am genuinely empathic that you're having this conflict. But I am also having mixed feelings because I think you've got a blind spot that causes this pattern of conflict."

See if she bites. If not, she's not ready to hear it.