Reply to What do you say when someone wants you to validate their behavior but they're wrong?

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[quote=Anonymous]Ok it really depends on the situation. Because I actually think most of the time, the correct answer is "I don't feel comfortable getting in the middle of it -- I love you both and I'm sure you'll work it out." And then hold firm and don't discuss it with EITHER of them.

I think that's the answer like 90% of the time because often when feelings are hurt between friends, both people are a little bit right and a little bit wrong. Like if Carol cancelled on Joanne last minute, and Joanne got pissed and stopped talking to Carol, then maybe Carol is wrong for cancelling as she did, but also Joanne is totally shutting down the situation and not giving Carol any room to apologize or make up for it. I might think one of them is more wrong than the other based on my own personal experiences, or even based on which friend I like more. But those aren't good reasons to weigh in. It's not a situation that requires an arbiter and I would resist appeals from either friend to make me take sides. You guys work it out. I love you both.

The 10% of the time when I do think it's worth weighing in is when someone has done something truly hurtful, especially if it was intentional or really hit someone in a vulnerable spot. So say Carol was supposed to drive Joanne to her chemotherapy appointment, and then canceled last minute knowing that Joanne is really struggling right now and was not just looking for a ride but also moral support. In that case, I would say, "Carol, you know you messed up. Whatever the reason you bailed, Joanne REALLY needed you and canceling just made it that much harder for her to go to her appointment. You need to apologize and own up to it. I still love you, but I think you know what you did was wrong." THAT is when it is worthwhile to call a friend out for bad behavior. But it needs to be actually bad behavior and not just like a difference of opinion over etiquette or some kind of misunderstanding. And you also better have the details right, because if it turns out Carol didn't actually cancel last minute and Joanne is being manipulative, now you'll have unnecessarily pissed of Carol. So tread REAL carefully with this one.[/quote]

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