What do you say when someone wants you to validate their behavior but they're wrong?

[Anonymous]

Long story short: My friend Mary offended another friend of hers (whom I don't know). She told me what happened and wants me to say how the other person was wrong, but really... Mary was totally wrong and if it were me, I would also have been offended. What do you tell people when they're expecting you to agree with them but really they are in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

I'm honest.

"Sorry, if I can be totally honest, I can understand that Friend is hurt because of xyz. I'd feel the same. Maybe it didn't seem like a big deal to you, but it seems like it was to her."

I do this all the time when my friends complain about their spouses and I genuinely think their spouses are right. My best friend works and her DH stays at home with the kids and my DH works and I stay at home with the kids so we are really good about putting each other in check and sharing from the other persons perspective.

[Anonymous]

"You're wrong."

[Anonymous]

You can validate the behavior without approving of it. Validation is not approval.

“Mary, it’s understandable that you canceled your plans with Anne last minute since you didn’t think she would mind. I get feeling defensive when you didn’t intend to offend. It sounds like she’s hurt even though you didn’t mean to upset her. I would be hurt in that situation too.”

[Anonymous]

Actually, I would feel the same as Debra if you’d said that to me. I love you, but you’re wrong this time.

[Anonymous]

I think the idea is to validate feelings (which are never wrong) but not the behavior, which may be wrong.

“It can be really frustrating and confusing when a friend reacts in a way you didn’t expect. Everyone has that experience sometimes, so I totally get that you are upset. Why do you think your friend reacted the way she did?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the idea is to validate feelings (which are never wrong) but not the behavior, which may be wrong.

“It can be really frustrating and confusing when a friend reacts in a way you didn’t expect. Everyone has that experience sometimes, so I totally get that you are upset. Why do you think your friend reacted the way she did?”

I don’t think every feeling is valid. Some narcissistic people take things personally when it has nothing to do with them. Are their feelings valid? Hell no!

[Anonymous]

“Girl please. You know you can’t cance like that on Larla. She got a sitter for her littles and got her hair did.”

[Anonymous]

My best friend tends to do that. I validate her feelings first, then insert an explanation to make her see the situation from the other person's/regulation's point of view, and show her that the other entity has a legitimately different view of the situation. I don't do that all the time, because it gets tedious, but usually when I'm feeling particularly engaged, or when it's a person I know, or a situation I am familiar with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the idea is to validate feelings (which are never wrong) but not the behavior, which may be wrong.

“It can be really frustrating and confusing when a friend reacts in a way you didn’t expect. Everyone has that experience sometimes, so I totally get that you are upset. Why do you think your friend reacted the way she did?”

I don’t think every feeling is valid. Some narcissistic people take things personally when it has nothing to do with them. Are their feelings valid? Hell no!

Narcissistic people are not very good at managing their feelings so the resulting behavior is terrible. They are also not very self aware.

[Anonymous]

"That sounds hard for you."

[Anonymous]

"That's frustrating!" And then, let your friend vent some more.

You can validate that the situation is frustrating, that your friend is having a hard time with this ... without taking sides. Besides you weren't there. You don't *really* know.

[Anonymous]

Your best friend always sticking up for you.
Even when I know you're wrong.

Always loved those song lyrics

[Anonymous]

OP, you have no allegiance to the other person.

I would find you tremendously annoying if you sought to "correct" my behavior. If I didn't ask for an opinion or advice. I need to vent. And maybe I don't tell it perfectly. As a friend, if you are a friend, you assume the best intention, of your friend, or the person you know.

I need to vent and complain. As long as you have the bandwidth to listen, that's all you need to do.

[Anonymous]

It's not my job to be my friends therapist. It is my job to be honest-otherwise we aren't friends. Hearing "that's hard" and "that's frustrating" when I'm in the wrong don't help me be a better person and just support being an @sshole.

I'd tell them I agreed with the other friend. "I love you but- you are in the wrong here".

If that sounds harsh- I do have a lot of friends- and we don't pretend with each other.