Reply to My husband is the least fun man ever

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Who are you to decide what "fun" or "summer" is supposed to be?

Going to a communal bathtub and hanging out talking to people I don't know very well in swamp weather, is my idea of hell.

Give me a gorgeous hike (even with others) on a cool Fall day. and I'm in heaven.

What's your DH's idea of fun? Do you do things that he enjoys[/quote]

Yes, our vacations, our winter sports/family outings, our geographic location, our neighborhood and even my career have been dictated by what he “needs” to be happy. Over the years we have reached a point where more and more things are controlled by his preferences- probably because I can’t handle him “punishing” me by being aloof or grumpy when he has to be flexible or accommodate my preferences.

Also my idea of fun is pretty bland and easy and what many people and our kids’ friends’ families enjoy. His idea of fun is very antisocial, expensive and specific and making the 4th revolve around it is unfair to our kids.[/quote]

Your first paragraph is a recipe for couples therapy. Now. It can take time these days to get onto a therapist's patient list, because therapy is in high demand, so pick up the phone first thing tomorrow morning and start making calls. Begin with the list of therapists your health insurance covers but be aware, you may have to go outside your coverage to get a therapist, especially as you need someone who does couples therapy.

I'm serious. This may be salvagable but you will never know if you keep silent about this with him and don't get outside help. Why outside help? Your resentment is already so deeply ingrained that you two both surely need someone to help guide you through what are possibly resentments and  lot of anger on both sides.

Also: What have you actually said to him? Have you ever told him, in the words you use with US above, how you have perceived pretty much your entire marriage? You have a script above. Start there. But you need to learn some "When you do X, I feel Y" constructions or he will just become defensive, shut down, and keep punishing. He may also have a script he's never used with you, and you need to be ready to hear that, too. Those above talking about introvert/extrovert are putting things quite simplistically but that does not mean they're wrong.

I would almost wager that he thinks his preferences don't control your life at all. Not saying he's right, just saying he likely will not even recognize what you're saying and feeling. But you need to talk to him--as in, communicate--and immediately note that you feel punished by him whenever you DO bring up what you want. Then when he is "aloof or grumpy" after this talk, you say out loud, "You just said X and I'm hearing that as being grumpy about my earlier comments.
Stop dreading it and saying you "can't handle him" like that and call it out calmly and coolly every time.

All this should happen while you are getting ready for that first couples therapy appoitnment. If he refuses to go, you go to individual therapy and make sure he knows you are going because you are reassessing staying married and how you feel about him and about you as a couple. [/quote]

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