Maintaining relationship with sister who won’t help

[Anonymous]

Op, your resentment about "stuff" should be separate from other issues. I hope you did, you should have, discussed your feelings/opinions at the time it was happening - to both mother and sister

You don't respect your sister because of the advantage you believe she took ... another person, can not be expected, to have a good relationship with another if they are thought so poorly of

Just some thoughts ~

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First make sure she knows how you feel. Did you say, this is the only time I've asked you, Ive change a zillion plans to deal with mom and I need a break, and I am with my daughter? Or did you say no problem (which is how my husband would deal with it). If she knows what she is doing to you and is still doing it then I think you don't have to have a relationship with her.

I would not give a guilt trip. The sister has made it clear she is not available. I suspect if OP tries to spell out what the sister already knows there will be "maintaining relationship." The sister has made her choices and OP has made hers. OP needs to focus on herself and not what others are doing. I have been there and you don't want resentment to eat you alive. You have to figure out what you can handle and understand you cannot delegate to the sister. She is allowed to have any boundaries she wants and so is OP.

If there is money there, you have plenty of options. If there isn't then look into what options you have with volunteers-through religious organizations, etc.

No good comes from trying to make the sister do what she doesn't want to do. Also, I really gave my best for so many years and the reward was my parent RESENTED me and I burned out. I can tell you when I finally became quite ill and had to back away everything didn't fall apart. It was fine to have hired professionals there at the hospital checking on things. In fact, the person knew better than I did how to make things happen and I could just facetime in. I can't believe I spent so many years burning the candle at both ends.

[Anonymous]

I'm following this thread as a dear friend is experiencing something similar with older siblings and divorced parents who live in two different places, neither near her. Her relationship with the siblings has been fraying for some time and now seems on the verge of a rapid unraveling. There are some factors at play, some legit and some possibly less so. My friend is on the verge of exploding as she feels everything is devolving onto her right when she is under enormous stress at her job due to staffing shortages, etc. As she sees it, she does everything and they do nothing.

I listen when she vents and occasionally offer suggestions. I have mentioned that one cannot make their siblings step up if they choose not to. "Yeah, it sucks, but it is what it is." Unfortunately I think some of the conflict between her and each sibling is now spilling over here.

I've suggested scenarios which may draw in their participation, but I can't help but think that she may want the conflict rather than the help.

I don't see this ending well for my friend.

OP, good luck here. Your sibling is fortunate that you are willing to place a value on the relationship and hope that it survives over time.

[Anonymous]

My sister might write this.

Here’s the thing - she’s inefficient, histrionic and handles things completely differently than I would. Sister doesn’t know this but early on I let my mother know if I was not the ultimate decision-maker where I could choose to consult with sister where I felt appropriate, I would not be involved with my mother’s care. I’d happily pay for and handle 100 percent in that instance.

My mom never put the paperwork in place. So that’s that and now it’s their problem. I’ll visit and I’m nice, but I don’t do a damn thing when it comes to elder care.

Honestly I think this makes you a bad person. Just going to say it. “Boundaries” is just bullshit for self centered control. You can agree to take on stuff YOUR way and still help your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you have to practice radical acceptance. It sucks, you can't control it, but you CANNOT change it so you must accept it. My sister did very little, was treated like royalty during visits and got many financial bonuses.

Now focus on how you can reduce your load so you are not burned out and resentful. Use the money from selling her things to hire people to take on some of what you do. Let your sister know she has a choice, you can use moms money for x,y and z or your sister can take it on.

Hire someone to check on your mom. That person can also visit during hospitalizations and advocate better than you can because she/he knows how the system works. You still visit, but you can visit for less time, or sometimes skip a visit if it's something minor.

Make a list of all you are doing and figure out what can easily have money thrown at it. Hire, hire, hire. Elderly can live a loooooong time. The sooner you get her used to outsourcing professionals the better.

This. I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

We had siblings who are local and retired do nothing to help, would barely visit, never call, and were pretty blatant about it. It's like it was a game to see who would have to do the most and the least. It really hurt. The parents missed them. It's difficult to want to spend time with the siblings now, and we know not to depend on them. As others have noted, eldercare can go on for a long time, and ours did. By the end, we were exhausted and frazzled. It didn't have to be that way, had others helped. They've never acknowledged our work or said thank you. It's painful. I don't have any advice for OP on how to resolve her situation. We did tell family how we were feeling and asked for specific help. They simply would not do it. All I can tell the OP is that they are not alone in this situation and wish them well.

[Anonymous]

Keep your heart/mind open to different siblings helping is very different ways. Some are detached emotionally but what they may be able to do is important. They may disagree with your approach. They may adamantly disagree with your approach but are keeping silent to keep the peace. You can't get the help you ask for but nevertheless, long term, may be benefiting from some way they contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My sister might write this.

Here’s the thing - she’s inefficient, histrionic and handles things completely differently than I would. Sister doesn’t know this but early on I let my mother know if I was not the ultimate decision-maker where I could choose to consult with sister where I felt appropriate, I would not be involved with my mother’s care. I’d happily pay for and handle 100 percent in that instance.

My mom never put the paperwork in place. So that’s that and now it’s their problem. I’ll visit and I’m nice, but I don’t do a damn thing when it comes to elder care.

Honestly I think this makes you a bad person. Just going to say it. “Boundaries” is just bullshit for self centered control. You can agree to take on stuff YOUR way and still help your sister.

That’s the fun thing about boundaries. They acknowledge that we cannot control others, only ourselves.

I can’t help if you think I’m a bad person, but I can choose not to care. But I recommend you think about why someone setting boundaries upsets you and perhaps reconsider your perspective on the people who have set boundaries with you in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My sister might write this.

Here’s the thing - she’s inefficient, histrionic and handles things completely differently than I would. Sister doesn’t know this but early on I let my mother know if I was not the ultimate decision-maker where I could choose to consult with sister where I felt appropriate, I would not be involved with my mother’s care. I’d happily pay for and handle 100 percent in that instance.

My mom never put the paperwork in place. So that’s that and now it’s their problem. I’ll visit and I’m nice, but I don’t do a damn thing when it comes to elder care.

Honestly I think this makes you a bad person. Just going to say it. “Boundaries” is just bullshit for self centered control. You can agree to take on stuff YOUR way and still help your sister.

We have no idea OP's sister's side of the story or what life stressors she has she hasn't even shared with OP. In the end it doesn't matter. You can't waste a lifetime lost in the "shoulds" ruminating about what YOU think everyone SHOULD do, but you cannot make anyone do anything. Guilt trips only make things worse. You have to meet people where they are and accept reality. There's an old time CBT therapist who wrote books in the 80s telling people to stop "MUSTerbating" about what others MUST do. When I didn't mind helping my parents I did not sit and obsess about what siblings were not doing. It's only after years when I became burned out that I got resentful. The issue was I needed to set my own limits. They were not going to change their ways. OP needs to spend her time problem solving what she can handle and what needs to be contracted out.

For those of you who think family must do it all, how were you raised? I was a latchkey kid. Before that my parents left as even as nonverbal infants with sitters as young as 9 so they could have a big social life. I've been hit by sitters, dropped on my head, refused food. I can assure you we screen out caregivers far better than they did. Oh and eldercare? My parents left it to their siblings who found great residential facilities. The ones who felt they must be there for every little thing and who had all sorts of rigid ideas about what they must do and what everyone else must do died much younger. Figure out your limits OP. If you take care of yourself it's easier to be loving for a parent. Also don't assume the grass is greener with involved siblings. Some involved siblings created drama and discord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for about 18 months. She’s been in a memory care facility for about a year.

My sister has visited her twice and both times she got something out of it (my moms car, furniture & china from her home).

She won’t spend more than an hour with our mother and I know it’s because it’s hard on her to see her like this but I can feel the resentment building.

DH & I do 100% of the eldercare and dealt with all the hassle is selling a lot of her belongings and her home once she transitioned into memory care.

I’m exhausted and I know that my sister can’t help as much as I can because I am retired and she’s still working but I feel like I can’t count on her at all.

I flew out last month to see my daughter and my Mom was hospitalized with a UTI and my sister would not go deal with it.

“We have plans this weekend”.

I can’t tell you how many times I changed plans, vacations etc. I just asked one time and she couldn’t do it.

I know it is what it is and I doubt anything will change. My mom will be fine soon and I’ll only have my sister. I want to maintain our relationship but all this has really made me see a side of her that’s disappointing.

Has anyone ever been through a similar situation? How do you swallow those feelings to keep the relationship? We are very close but this has really taken a toll.

So it was OK for you to have plans that weekend but not your sister?

Listen, people have varying levels of capacity for this stuff, regardless of how you want them to behave. Play to your sister's strengths and don't expect more.

Sounds like she has no strengths.

[Anonymous]

I think OP was the golden child and the sister was not treated as well by the mom.