Reply to Maintaining relationship with sister who won’t help

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote] My sister might write this.

Here’s the thing - she’s inefficient, histrionic and handles things completely differently than I would. Sister doesn’t know this but early on I let my mother know if I was not the ultimate decision-maker where I could choose to consult with sister where I felt appropriate, I would not be involved with my mother’s care. I’d happily pay for and handle 100 percent in that instance.

My mom never put the paperwork in place. So that’s that and now it’s their problem. I’ll visit and I’m nice, but I don’t do a damn thing when it comes to elder care.[/quote]

Honestly I think this makes you a bad person. Just going to say it. “Boundaries” is just bullshit for self centered control. You can agree to take on stuff YOUR way and still help your sister.

[/quote]

We have no idea OP's sister's side of the story or what life stressors she has she hasn't even shared with OP. In the end it doesn't matter. You can't waste a lifetime lost in the "shoulds" ruminating about what YOU think everyone SHOULD do, but you cannot make anyone do anything. Guilt trips only make things worse. You have to meet people where they are and accept reality.  There's an old time CBT therapist who wrote books in the 80s telling people to stop "MUSTerbating" about what others MUST do. When I didn't mind helping my parents I did not sit and obsess about what siblings were not doing. It's only after years when I became burned out that I got resentful. The issue was I needed to set my own limits. They were not going to change their ways. OP needs to spend her time problem solving what she can handle and what needs to be contracted out.

For those of you who think family must do it all, how were you raised? I was a latchkey kid. Before that my parents left as even as nonverbal infants with sitters as young as 9 so they could have a big social life. I've been hit by sitters, dropped on my head, refused food. I can assure you we screen out caregivers far better than they did. Oh and eldercare? My parents left it to their siblings who found great residential facilities. The ones who felt they must be there for every little thing and who had all sorts of rigid ideas about what they must do and what everyone else must do died much younger.  Figure out your limits OP. If you take care of yourself it's easier to be loving for a parent. Also don't assume the grass is greener with involved siblings. Some involved siblings created drama and discord.[/quote]

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