Maintaining relationship with sister who won’t help

[Anonymous]

My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for about 18 months. She’s been in a memory care facility for about a year.

My sister has visited her twice and both times she got something out of it (my moms car, furniture & china from her home).

She won’t spend more than an hour with our mother and I know it’s because it’s hard on her to see her like this but I can feel the resentment building.

DH & I do 100% of the eldercare and dealt with all the hassle is selling a lot of her belongings and her home once she transitioned into memory care.

I’m exhausted and I know that my sister can’t help as much as I can because I am retired and she’s still working but I feel like I can’t count on her at all.

I flew out last month to see my daughter and my Mom was hospitalized with a UTI and my sister would not go deal with it.

“We have plans this weekend”.

I can’t tell you how many times I changed plans, vacations etc. I just asked one time and she couldn’t do it.

I know it is what it is and I doubt anything will change. My mom will be fine soon and I’ll only have my sister. I want to maintain our relationship but all this has really made me see a side of her that’s disappointing.

Has anyone ever been through a similar situation? How do you swallow those feelings to keep the relationship? We are very close but this has really taken a toll.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you have to practice radical acceptance. It sucks, you can't control it, but you CANNOT change it so you must accept it. My sister did very little, was treated like royalty during visits and got many financial bonuses.

Now focus on how you can reduce your load so you are not burned out and resentful. Use the money from selling her things to hire people to take on some of what you do. Let your sister know she has a choice, you can use moms money for x,y and z or your sister can take it on.

Hire someone to check on your mom. That person can also visit during hospitalizations and advocate better than you can because she/he knows how the system works. You still visit, but you can visit for less time, or sometimes skip a visit if it's something minor.

Make a list of all you are doing and figure out what can easily have money thrown at it. Hire, hire, hire. Elderly can live a loooooong time. The sooner you get her used to outsourcing professionals the better.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation where I live closest to my mother with dementia who is in assisted living. One brother is at least helpful in that he handles all the finances and is supportive. My other brother literally dies nothing but call my mom once a week so in his view he is a fantastic son even though he hasn’t seen her in person in 4 years and hasn’t brought his 10 year old daughter to see her grandmother either in all those years.

[Anonymous]

First make sure she knows how you feel. Did you say, this is the only time I've asked you, Ive change a zillion plans to deal with mom and I need a break, and I am with my daughter? Or did you say no problem (which is how my husband would deal with it). If she knows what she is doing to you and is still doing it then I think you don't have to have a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

My sister might write this.

Here’s the thing - she’s inefficient, histrionic and handles things completely differently than I would. Sister doesn’t know this but early on I let my mother know if I was not the ultimate decision-maker where I could choose to consult with sister where I felt appropriate, I would not be involved with my mother’s care. I’d happily pay for and handle 100 percent in that instance.

My mom never put the paperwork in place. So that’s that and now it’s their problem. I’ll visit and I’m nice, but I don’t do a damn thing when it comes to elder care.

[Anonymous]

OP - You are not in charge of your sister and her relationship to what she feels she should or will do in terms of your mom's care. You are in control of what you can do and what you might not really have to be doing. Since she is in a memory care facility, why do you have to change your plans so often as it seems that you do visit regularly and provide oversight. Dementia can be a long road in terms of decline so it is important that you think about establishing a sensible balance of how caring for yoru mom fits in with your own personal, family and work life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister might write this.

Here’s the thing - she’s inefficient, histrionic and handles things completely differently than I would. Sister doesn’t know this but early on I let my mother know if I was not the ultimate decision-maker where I could choose to consult with sister where I felt appropriate, I would not be involved with my mother’s care. I’d happily pay for and handle 100 percent in that instance.

My mom never put the paperwork in place. So that’s that and now it’s their problem. I’ll visit and I’m nice, but I don’t do a damn thing when it comes to elder care.

So you're punishing your mom for your sister's behavior? Or because mom didn't obey your demand to be solely in charge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister might write this.

Here’s the thing - she’s inefficient, histrionic and handles things completely differently than I would. Sister doesn’t know this but early on I let my mother know if I was not the ultimate decision-maker where I could choose to consult with sister where I felt appropriate, I would not be involved with my mother’s care. I’d happily pay for and handle 100 percent in that instance.

My mom never put the paperwork in place. So that’s that and now it’s their problem. I’ll visit and I’m nice, but I don’t do a damn thing when it comes to elder care.

So you're punishing your mom for your sister's behavior? Or because mom didn't obey your demand to be solely in charge?

I’m maintaining the boundaries I clearly set. It’s not about punishment. They aren’t 6 year olds hitting people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister might write this.

Here’s the thing - she’s inefficient, histrionic and handles things completely differently than I would. Sister doesn’t know this but early on I let my mother know if I was not the ultimate decision-maker where I could choose to consult with sister where I felt appropriate, I would not be involved with my mother’s care. I’d happily pay for and handle 100 percent in that instance.

My mom never put the paperwork in place. So that’s that and now it’s their problem. I’ll visit and I’m nice, but I don’t do a damn thing when it comes to elder care.

So you're punishing your mom for your sister's behavior? Or because mom didn't obey your demand to be solely in charge?

I’m maintaining the boundaries I clearly set. It’s not about punishment. They aren’t 6 year olds hitting people.

Wow. I feel sorry for the people in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for about 18 months. She’s been in a memory care facility for about a year.

My sister has visited her twice and both times she got something out of it (my moms car, furniture & china from her home).

She won’t spend more than an hour with our mother and I know it’s because it’s hard on her to see her like this but I can feel the resentment building.

DH & I do 100% of the eldercare and dealt with all the hassle is selling a lot of her belongings and her home once she transitioned into memory care.

I’m exhausted and I know that my sister can’t help as much as I can because I am retired and she’s still working but I feel like I can’t count on her at all.

I flew out last month to see my daughter and my Mom was hospitalized with a UTI and my sister would not go deal with it.

“We have plans this weekend”.

I can’t tell you how many times I changed plans, vacations etc. I just asked one time and she couldn’t do it.

I know it is what it is and I doubt anything will change. My mom will be fine soon and I’ll only have my sister. I want to maintain our relationship but all this has really made me see a side of her that’s disappointing.

Has anyone ever been through a similar situation? How do you swallow those feelings to keep the relationship? We are very close but this has really taken a toll.

So it was OK for you to have plans that weekend but not your sister?

Listen, people have varying levels of capacity for this stuff, regardless of how you want them to behave. Play to your sister's strengths and don't expect more.

[Anonymous]

Family is your starting deck in the game of life. As you grow up, you and trade cards.

It's OK if the importance of your sisterhood fades. Focus on building relationships with other people in your life as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister might write this.

Here’s the thing - she’s inefficient, histrionic and handles things completely differently than I would. Sister doesn’t know this but early on I let my mother know if I was not the ultimate decision-maker where I could choose to consult with sister where I felt appropriate, I would not be involved with my mother’s care. I’d happily pay for and handle 100 percent in that instance.

My mom never put the paperwork in place. So that’s that and now it’s their problem. I’ll visit and I’m nice, but I don’t do a damn thing when it comes to elder care.

So you're punishing your mom for your sister's behavior? Or because mom didn't obey your demand to be solely in charge?

I’m maintaining the boundaries I clearly set. It’s not about punishment. They aren’t 6 year olds hitting people.

This. I am the youngest sister (my two other sisters died in the last 5 years in their mid and late 40s). By default, my parents gave the oldest sister POA. She makes horrible decisions, is histrionic, yet completely ineffective. As soon as my father died and my mother was ruled to have moderate dementia, she took over my mother's finances and wrote $16,000 checks from my mother's account to herself, me, her kids, and my kids, despite my objections. She hasn't worked in almost 30 years, yet almost never visits and expects me, while still working full-time with two teenagers, to make the 3-hour-drive to do things for my mom in the assisted living facility, because she spends 6 months a year at her vacation home in the south. I am sure she tells a similar story as OP: My younger sister thinks she doesn't have to help with my mom because she still has a job. Question OP: why did anybody have to go running to your mother for a UTI? She's in a facility. Presumably, they had it handled. Why did your sister need to drop everything to go there? Just because you felt guilty for being away?

[Anonymous]

Not OP but @10:31- when an elderly person gets a UTI they often are hospitalized and they have bizarre symptoms. Being in a hospital in when you have dementia is terrifying because you don't know why you are there or how you got there. So yes, it is likely that the humane thing to do was to visit mom in the hospital with a UTI. You'd probably know all of that if you were involved in the care of your parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but @10:31- when an elderly person gets a UTI they often are hospitalized and they have bizarre symptoms. Being in a hospital in when you have dementia is terrifying because you don't know why you are there or how you got there. So yes, it is likely that the humane thing to do was to visit mom in the hospital with a UTI. You'd probably know all of that if you were involved in the care of your parent.

I'm 10:31. My father died with dementia 18 months ago, my mother, as I mentioned in the post, has it now, having recently progressed rapidly from moderate to fairly severe. She made the choices did when she chose to live near her favorite daughter, who dropped dead shortly after she insisted my parents move into assisted living near her. Now, I am supposed to drive 3 hours every time my mom has something go wrong? That would be once a week. My older sister won't do it either. Trust me when I tell you, I know more than you do. I'm just not a doormat and I'm not histrionic over every thing that happens to my mother. Intelligent people understand this.

[Anonymous]

OP, it not necessarily wrong to not show up at the hospital bedside. Elders will go in and out of hospital. Some very, very often, close to the end.