My dad is planning to live another 20 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is 88 and dad is 87. They refuse to move out of their ramshackle house which they don’t maintain, will not give up their drivers licenses and also think getting a puppy is a great idea because they plan to live another twelve years. Makes me wonder if they are all listening to the same talk radio or something. Also feeling sad because my kids are launched, these people are insane and by the time this concludes I will be too old to travel or enjoy my life.

Don't put your life on hold for them. Travel and do the other things you want to do.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws, 83 and 86, are all about with “longevity.” Every single thing they eat and 90% of what they do it based on whatever current science suggests. I love that they are pretty healthy, strong and active, but it’s a bit much and they don’t seem so happy.
My young adult kids see their grandparents’ lifestyle as limited, my daughter remarking they are living very restricted and obsessed because they’re so scared of dying. I kinda agree, but at least they are making choices and staying healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are 73 and 81 and also in total denial about aging. They are in good health but refuse to discuss practical planning and are shopping for a new 5000 sf house and have recently moved to a city 500 miles from me (oh, and mom is afraid to fly, so I guess I visit them now). My mom constantly says stuff like "for our next 25 years." It's cute in a way, but utterly delusional and sad in another. Thankfully, they are well-off enough to be able to ditch a new suburban McMansion when they need to, and they'll need to, but I worry that their poor decisions will result in things like falls that could have been avoided (oh yeah, they're also getting a puppy).

None of these things is terrible, some are motivating, but it's a concerning pattern of denial and inappropriate choices overall. I am waiting for the shoe to drop every day, which isn't healthy for me either. It feels like a tremendous burden.

If your dad is just saying this to be optimistic and trying to financially plan for things so that he is not a burden on you, that seems reasonable. Help him plan in a way that alleviates some of the burden from you. Are you an only child? I am. It can be hard.

This is such a mix of encouraging and sad! It's great that they feel so good, but I can't imagine buying such a big house and getting a puppy at their ages. I'm ready to downsize now at mid 50s!

I am upset about it every single day. I feel optimistic and happy they are in good health and good spirits, and then I am a wreck to think about how my career and personal life will take a massive hit when I inevitably have to pick up the pieces (again, mom doesn't fly, it's so complicated). I can't even convince them to get a house with a bedroom on the first floor, and every house they are interested in had multiple steps to all entrances including the garage. It is scream-inducing. I really need a therapist to try to confront this and and let go until I have to face it. Thankful they have some money though.

I understand but try not to worry about this. You cannot control them. My mom is like that, and I refuse to sink any emotional energy into getting her to see reason. Why ruin more of your life than you have to because they are irrational?

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to thank whoever started this particular conversation. I'm finding it so helpful to find out that I'm not the only one in this position. I'm the one with parents in their late 80sin the ranshackle house.

I am trying to think of it like if they ask for some things on a physical level like help getting to the grocery store I will give them that much --But I am not responsible for their emotional state and whether or not they're getting along and whether or not someone is lonely Nor am I responsible for planning for their future if they refuse to do so. I think it is really easy to end up in a codependence state at this point and I'm trying to avoid that

[Anonymous]

DH and I are 57. we plan to get rid of 25% of our belongings in the net 3 yr. Plan to age in place and will be lucky if survive upto 80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to thank whoever started this particular conversation. I'm finding it so helpful to find out that I'm not the only one in this position. I'm the one with parents in their late 80sin the ranshackle house.

I am trying to think of it like if they ask for some things on a physical level like help getting to the grocery store I will give them that much --But I am not responsible for their emotional state and whether or not they're getting along and whether or not someone is lonely Nor am I responsible for planning for their future if they refuse to do so. I think it is really easy to end up in a codependence state at this point and I'm trying to avoid that

But eventually all their choices, plans and emergencies will affect you unfortunately. Been there done that.

[Anonymous]

FYI, the life expectancy for a 77 year old man is 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is 88 and dad is 87. They refuse to move out of their ramshackle house which they don’t maintain, will not give up their drivers licenses and also think getting a puppy is a great idea because they plan to live another twelve years. Makes me wonder if they are all listening to the same talk radio or something. Also feeling sad because my kids are launched, these people are insane and by the time this concludes I will be too old to travel or enjoy my life.

Don't put your life on hold for them. Travel and do the other things you want to do.

+1, what about this situation is keeping you from traveling and enjoying your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 77 so it does look realistic. He is kind, smart, funny and tries to live a healthy lifestyle
I love him but I must confess: the thought of having to keep an eye on him for decades is kind of depressing. He can live independently but he does need reminders, help with bigger tasks, just general oversight. He is like a teenager I would say.
I love him but how do I come to terms with the fact that even when my kid is finally in college I won’t be free? I am not talking about traditional caregiving, it’s the easy part (knock on wood). It’s more about all the mental and emotional labor of keeping his life in order?
I just needed it let it all out.
Maybe someone has words of wisdom for me

What he is planning and reality are two different things. It's unlikely he will live to 97 so just take it as it comes.

[Anonymous]

But some men DO live to 97, that’s the thing. I am post-lawyer hospice caregiver, and over the last 7 years I have cared for several men in their mid to late 90s as they declined into death. They were mostly middle class men, one was a bit wealthier and one was a working class man who nevertheless made it to 97 before he died.

I have seen so many manifestations of the adult children helping elderly parents to age in place over the last few years, and actually before that as well when I did some estate planning with elders in my solo law practice.

My advice is to put a lot of energy in these years into living in the moment and working on your own mental health and strategies to maintain peace of mind. You can easily worry your life away and as Mark Twain once said most of what we worry about never comes to pass.

You are much better off to have independent elder parents who are positive forward thinkers anticipating a long and fruitful period of golden years than to have negative pessimistic elder parents who rattle on endlessly about every real and imagined ache and how they can’t wait to die and so and so just died and such and such just happened and isn’t the world a terrible place etc. This is no different than at any stage of life, you’re blessed to have positive people in your life. Don’t worry about what obligations might fall to you until they do, because they might not. Your parents might live long enough that you have to work out home care or placements for them or whatever - but you could also get a call someday that they died in an auto accident on the way to the park with their puppy. Beyond taking reasonable steps to protect them when the time comes that they need that assistance- should they lose capacity - you don’t need to waste your present happiness worrying about future what ifs most of which may never come to pass. Cross that bridge when you come to it and don’t spend a minute of today worrying about it.

[Anonymous]

My mother is 101 and I am an only child. The good news about that is that I don’t have to compromise with siblings about the finances and I consult my own conscience. I visit my mother twice a week and she comes here on weekends for a meal. She can still climb the few steps in front of the house but her memory and hearing are failing. My best advice is to not plan too much. Be there for your parents as best you can. Do not strive for martyrdom. It’s a long slog not a race. I am grateful to have her, but it is painful to watch the decline.

[Anonymous]

Start looking into options for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are 73 and 81 and also in total denial about aging. They are in good health but refuse to discuss practical planning and are shopping for a new 5000 sf house and have recently moved to a city 500 miles from me (oh, and mom is afraid to fly, so I guess I visit them now). My mom constantly says stuff like "for our next 25 years." It's cute in a way, but utterly delusional and sad in another. Thankfully, they are well-off enough to be able to ditch a new suburban McMansion when they need to, and they'll need to, but I worry that their poor decisions will result in things like falls that could have been avoided (oh yeah, they're also getting a puppy).

None of these things is terrible, some are motivating, but it's a concerning pattern of denial and inappropriate choices overall. I am waiting for the shoe to drop every day, which isn't healthy for me either. It feels like a tremendous burden.

If your dad is just saying this to be optimistic and trying to financially plan for things so that he is not a burden on you, that seems reasonable. Help him plan in a way that alleviates some of the burden from you. Are you an only child? I am. It can be hard.

This is such a mix of encouraging and sad! It's great that they feel so good, but I can't imagine buying such a big house and getting a puppy at their ages. I'm ready to downsize now at mid 50s!

DH's parents downsized to 2100 sq feet, mostly on one floor, in their late 70s. My parents were older and recently deceased at the time they made this move. I mentioned to DH that a move to a CCRC, if they were going to move, made more sense logistically and financially based on what I learned in the years helping my parents. He listened and said that he thought his parents should do what they wanted. I get that. They also have/had more money than my parents so more options.

Just last week I had an extended call with my MiL. We covered a lot of ground, then she pivoted to health issues with some of their close friends who are in a small home in a CCRC. She admitted that she just wasn't aware of these options when they downsized. Says she loves their place yet also wishes someone else handled all the maintenance, etc. She also appreciates that CCRCs appear to have a path from AL onwards when there are changes with a resident's physical and mental health. She talked about how meals are prepared when you do not want to make food, etc. She is in her early 80s, still with a lot of energy and vigor, but caring for someone with dementia is not easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But some men DO live to 97, that’s the thing. I am post-lawyer hospice caregiver, and over the last 7 years I have cared for several men in their mid to late 90s as they declined into death. They were mostly middle class men, one was a bit wealthier and one was a working class man who nevertheless made it to 97 before he died.

I have seen so many manifestations of the adult children helping elderly parents to age in place over the last few years, and actually before that as well when I did some estate planning with elders in my solo law practice.

My advice is to put a lot of energy in these years into living in the moment and working on your own mental health and strategies to maintain peace of mind. You can easily worry your life away and as Mark Twain once said most of what we worry about never comes to pass.

You are much better off to have independent elder parents who are positive forward thinkers anticipating a long and fruitful period of golden years than to have negative pessimistic elder parents who rattle on endlessly about every real and imagined ache and how they can’t wait to die and so and so just died and such and such just happened and isn’t the world a terrible place etc. This is no different than at any stage of life, you’re blessed to have positive people in your life. Don’t worry about what obligations might fall to you until they do, because they might not. Your parents might live long enough that you have to work out home care or placements for them or whatever - but you could also get a call someday that they died in an auto accident on the way to the park with their puppy. Beyond taking reasonable steps to protect them when the time comes that they need that assistance- should they lose capacity - you don’t need to waste your present happiness worrying about future what ifs most of which may never come to pass. Cross that bridge when you come to it and don’t spend a minute of today worrying about it.

Wonderful advice! OP its good you got this off your chest while valid, you don't know how it will turn out so try to put it in perspective of taking it day by day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But some men DO live to 97, that’s the thing. I am post-lawyer hospice caregiver, and over the last 7 years I have cared for several men in their mid to late 90s as they declined into death. They were mostly middle class men, one was a bit wealthier and one was a working class man who nevertheless made it to 97 before he died.

I have seen so many manifestations of the adult children helping elderly parents to age in place over the last few years, and actually before that as well when I did some estate planning with elders in my solo law practice.

My advice is to put a lot of energy in these years into living in the moment and working on your own mental health and strategies to maintain peace of mind. You can easily worry your life away and as Mark Twain once said most of what we worry about never comes to pass.

You are much better off to have independent elder parents who are positive forward thinkers anticipating a long and fruitful period of golden years than to have negative pessimistic elder parents who rattle on endlessly about every real and imagined ache and how they can’t wait to die and so and so just died and such and such just happened and isn’t the world a terrible place etc. This is no different than at any stage of life, you’re blessed to have positive people in your life. Don’t worry about what obligations might fall to you until they do, because they might not. Your parents might live long enough that you have to work out home care or placements for them or whatever - but you could also get a call someday that they died in an auto accident on the way to the park with their puppy. Beyond taking reasonable steps to protect them when the time comes that they need that assistance- should they lose capacity - you don’t need to waste your present happiness worrying about future what ifs most of which may never come to pass. Cross that bridge when you come to it and don’t spend a minute of today worrying about it.

I love this advice. After spending many months wringing my hands about my declining parents who live far away (and got a puppy at 75) in the same house they have lived in for 50 years without even considering downsizing to a more practical place - (Where would they put their furniture?) - I have come to the conclusion that they are of sound mind and make their own choices. I will do the best I can do to help them when the sh!t hits the fan, but they're bad choices are not on me. I need to live my life, connect with them, and stop the worry (which is affecting my own health).