My dad is planning to live another 20 years

[Anonymous]

He is 77 so it does look realistic. He is kind, smart, funny and tries to live a healthy lifestyle
I love him but I must confess: the thought of having to keep an eye on him for decades is kind of depressing. He can live independently but he does need reminders, help with bigger tasks, just general oversight. He is like a teenager I would say.
I love him but how do I come to terms with the fact that even when my kid is finally in college I won’t be free? I am not talking about traditional caregiving, it’s the easy part (knock on wood). It’s more about all the mental and emotional labor of keeping his life in order?
I just needed it let it all out.
Maybe someone has words of wisdom for me

[Anonymous]

Does he live with you? The good news is he doesn’t get to decide how long he has 😂 If he lives with you, can you find alternative arrangements?

[Anonymous]

Realize it is part of life? After all, he worries about you and your kids will be you soon enough

[Anonymous]

The 80s hit hard for most people. Does he currently live alone? If he has the means for it, this would be a good time to get him into independent living at a continuing care facility where he can transition to more care as he needs it.

[Anonymous]

When she was 64, my mom thought she'd live at least 20 more years. She died a month after she turned 66. Please just love and look out for your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 77 so it does look realistic. He is kind, smart, funny and tries to live a healthy lifestyle
I love him but I must confess: the thought of having to keep an eye on him for decades is kind of depressing. He can live independently but he does need reminders, help with bigger tasks, just general oversight. He is like a teenager I would say.
I love him but how do I come to terms with the fact that even when my kid is finally in college I won’t be free? I am not talking about traditional caregiving, it’s the easy part (knock on wood). It’s more about all the mental and emotional labor of keeping his life in order?
I just needed it let it all out.
Maybe someone has words of wisdom for me

Just because he’s 77, why do you think that means he will live to 97? This makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

This seems like an odd thing to worry about. Few men live to be 97. Don’t borrow trouble.

[Anonymous]

Pretend that these are his last few years. Do you still feel the same ?

[Anonymous]

My parents are 73 and 81 and also in total denial about aging. They are in good health but refuse to discuss practical planning and are shopping for a new 5000 sf house and have recently moved to a city 500 miles from me (oh, and mom is afraid to fly, so I guess I visit them now). My mom constantly says stuff like "for our next 25 years." It's cute in a way, but utterly delusional and sad in another. Thankfully, they are well-off enough to be able to ditch a new suburban McMansion when they need to, and they'll need to, but I worry that their poor decisions will result in things like falls that could have been avoided (oh yeah, they're also getting a puppy).

None of these things is terrible, some are motivating, but it's a concerning pattern of denial and inappropriate choices overall. I am waiting for the shoe to drop every day, which isn't healthy for me either. It feels like a tremendous burden.

If your dad is just saying this to be optimistic and trying to financially plan for things so that he is not a burden on you, that seems reasonable. Help him plan in a way that alleviates some of the burden from you. Are you an only child? I am. It can be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are 73 and 81 and also in total denial about aging. They are in good health but refuse to discuss practical planning and are shopping for a new 5000 sf house and have recently moved to a city 500 miles from me (oh, and mom is afraid to fly, so I guess I visit them now). My mom constantly says stuff like "for our next 25 years." It's cute in a way, but utterly delusional and sad in another. Thankfully, they are well-off enough to be able to ditch a new suburban McMansion when they need to, and they'll need to, but I worry that their poor decisions will result in things like falls that could have been avoided (oh yeah, they're also getting a puppy).

None of these things is terrible, some are motivating, but it's a concerning pattern of denial and inappropriate choices overall. I am waiting for the shoe to drop every day, which isn't healthy for me either. It feels like a tremendous burden.

If your dad is just saying this to be optimistic and trying to financially plan for things so that he is not a burden on you, that seems reasonable. Help him plan in a way that alleviates some of the burden from you. Are you an only child? I am. It can be hard.

This is such a mix of encouraging and sad! It's great that they feel so good, but I can't imagine buying such a big house and getting a puppy at their ages. I'm ready to downsize now at mid 50s!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are 73 and 81 and also in total denial about aging. They are in good health but refuse to discuss practical planning and are shopping for a new 5000 sf house and have recently moved to a city 500 miles from me (oh, and mom is afraid to fly, so I guess I visit them now). My mom constantly says stuff like "for our next 25 years." It's cute in a way, but utterly delusional and sad in another. Thankfully, they are well-off enough to be able to ditch a new suburban McMansion when they need to, and they'll need to, but I worry that their poor decisions will result in things like falls that could have been avoided (oh yeah, they're also getting a puppy).

None of these things is terrible, some are motivating, but it's a concerning pattern of denial and inappropriate choices overall. I am waiting for the shoe to drop every day, which isn't healthy for me either. It feels like a tremendous burden.

If your dad is just saying this to be optimistic and trying to financially plan for things so that he is not a burden on you, that seems reasonable. Help him plan in a way that alleviates some of the burden from you. Are you an only child? I am. It can be hard.

This is such a mix of encouraging and sad! It's great that they feel so good, but I can't imagine buying such a big house and getting a puppy at their ages. I'm ready to downsize now at mid 50s!

I am upset about it every single day. I feel optimistic and happy they are in good health and good spirits, and then I am a wreck to think about how my career and personal life will take a massive hit when I inevitably have to pick up the pieces (again, mom doesn't fly, it's so complicated). I can't even convince them to get a house with a bedroom on the first floor, and every house they are interested in had multiple steps to all entrances including the garage. It is scream-inducing. I really need a therapist to try to confront this and and let go until I have to face it. Thankful they have some money though.

[Anonymous]

I think it's totally normal to have all sorts of feelings here, OP. You are carrying a mental load for your father. What happens if you drop a little bit of it? Does everything fall apart for him? Is he experiencing some cognitive issues? From your description of him, it's hard to imagine he's only as responsible as a teenager. Maybe you can let him sink or swim a bit more.

I lost my dad suddenly in his mid 60s and so of course, I'd give anything to have him at 77 saying he was going to live another 20 years. My mom is 80 and says she thinks living too long doesn't sound like fun. She'll make comments about how her doctor said that at a certain age she might not want to treat a recurrence of cancer, and she's all, "Yup." She recently updated her files so we'll know what to do when she's gone. It's a little weird to talk so frankly about her life ending, and so I understand why some people just pretend it's not a thing.

I feel you on the mental load. I'm the only local child so it's on me to fix her computer or take her to buy new appliances or drive her to her appointments. Thankfully I'm a SAHM so I have the time, but it's still tiring to get an unexpected ask added to my day. But I know it can all change in an instant, so I try to enjoy all the time I get to spend with her.

[Anonymous]

Stating the obvious that no one can plan how long is left. But lets pretend…. His need at 77 are going to be different than 85, 90 etc. The grandparents in our family are in the late 80s and they have a super active lifestyle, large house. I have noticed drastically decline in the past year or two. 00 medical out of them. When they were lates 70s I would’ve guessed they would’ve lived another 20 years as well, but at this point I think we’re lucky to have a few more.

[Anonymous]

My mother is 88 and dad is 87. They refuse to move out of their ramshackle house which they don’t maintain, will not give up their drivers licenses and also think getting a puppy is a great idea because they plan to live another twelve years. Makes me wonder if they are all listening to the same talk radio or something. Also feeling sad because my kids are launched, these people are insane and by the time this concludes I will be too old to travel or enjoy my life.

[Anonymous]

Let him be optimistic. My dad is 83 and has been planning for the end since my mom died. It makes me sad. Yet he does do some funny things like looking at new cars while talking about his impending death. I would love to have him until 97 but only if he has a good quality of life. He’s in amazing shape and mentally sharp which is a good sign. I do care for another family member with no children who has far greater needs and I often think caring for her will define most of my remaining healthy years. Sometimes that feels overwhelming. Yet, this is what family is about. I hope my kids won’t see me as a burden one day.