My dad is planning to live another 20 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is 97yo. At 77yo, he was still working, dating, and looked at least 10 years younger. He was slim, never heavy, always walked a lot and very, very healthy. I honestly cannot remember my dad having one sick day before age 90yo. At 97yo, he needs daily help, is on multiple meds, and has dementia.

Few men live to 97yo and I suspect those who do are unusually healthy.

This sounds selfish but this is exactly what I don’t want - a parent who is 97 but is helpless
Even now at 77 he is to a degree

Someone asked what he needed to be supervised for him. He takes care of bills, food, and everyday stuff like that. However it takes forever to see a doctor (he needs hearing aids and glasses but is under the illusion that he is still young and doesn’t need them), he goes to see different doctors for things like sports medicine to figure out why his stamina isn’t great for example. Of course they are happy to take his money but imho this is to unnecessary and childish. You are 77 for crying out loud! Of course your stamina isn’t what it used to be!

He has money to pay for a handyman but to arrange it takes him forever. I don’t want to coordinate him and the handyman from thousands miles away thank you!
It’s just so crazy.
My child is slowly becoming older and more independent and then I get another child I didn’t ask for and who is becoming more helpless every day
-OP

Well, we don’t vote on whether we want it. Trust me, my very healthy, very independent dad never wanted to be in the state he is now - but now that he is, he doesn’t want to die. Enjoy your health and your dad’s relative health. It sounds like he does not want to get used to every little pain. My dad (the 97yo) is like that too. He’s always doing physical therapy because he complains of every little pain. But the physical therapists are wary of over-working him and it doesn’t really get rid of the pain, which is mainly arthritis and related injuries.

It is not fun dealing with my dad when he is disoriented or obsessed or angry or decides to tell me off. It’s not. But it’s life. Chances are this won’t happen to your dad but it makes no sense to worry about it now. It’s like worrying about what your plans would be if you are stuck in a wheelchair. It could happen but nothing is solved by worrying.

Actually this is only part true. Worry serves a purpose when it doesn't get out of control. There is no need to let worry spiral out of control, but worry is useful. It forces us to face something and problem solve when it works right. OP does need a plan and her father needs to know what she can and cannot do. Self centered elderly make a lot of assumptions about how people must upend their lives for them. If he does have realistic expectations it will be a relief, if he does not, and she lets him know her boundaries, he may get upset, but it might set off some anxiety in him that makes him think about the future and any changes he might want to make. It will also give her peace of mind to know she was open and honest with him and did not make false promises.

It is a living hell when you don't think about any of this or expect it and a crisis that could have averted comes. Sometimes you can't prevent it from being so bad, but often times you can. If the house was set up for aging, grabbing a bar and having more slip-proof rugs in the bathroom can make the difference between being bruised from a fall and knocked out cold. having things organized saves your adult kids hours and hours of work when you are incapacitated. If he cares about all his stuff, now is the time for him to sort through and donate. Otherwise when his time comes to move or he passes the adult kids will need to waste hours sorting or just hire someone to dump it all. Planning is good. Denial is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 77 so it does look realistic. He is kind, smart, funny and tries to live a healthy lifestyle
I love him but I must confess: the thought of having to keep an eye on him for decades is kind of depressing. He can live independently but he does need reminders, help with bigger tasks, just general oversight. He is like a teenager I would say.
I love him but how do I come to terms with the fact that even when my kid is finally in college I won’t be free? I am not talking about traditional caregiving, it’s the easy part (knock on wood). It’s more about all the mental and emotional labor of keeping his life in order?
I just needed it let it all out.
Maybe someone has words of wisdom for me

Just because he’s 77, why do you think that means he will live to 97? This makes no sense.

Well, if he hits 80, there is evidence he might. https://www.statnews.com/2018/06/28/human-longevity-limits-aging/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretend that these are his last few years. Do you still feel the same ?

Pretend that these are YOUR last few years? How might you do things differently. Many of us have developed our own serious health issues or our husbands did or our kids struggled with anxiety and other issues and we were so busy with our parents we let the family we created fall apart. You absolutely have to figure out what you and the family you created can handle and have limits.