Reply to My dad is planning to live another 20 years

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]But some men DO live to 97, that’s the thing. I am post-lawyer hospice caregiver, and over the last 7 years I have cared for several men in their mid to late 90s as they declined into death. They were mostly middle class men, one was a bit wealthier and one was a working class man who nevertheless made it to 97 before he died.

I have seen so many manifestations of the adult children helping elderly parents to age in place over the last few years, and actually before that as well when I did some estate planning with elders in my solo law practice.

My advice is to put a lot of energy in these years into living in the moment and working on your own mental health and strategies to maintain peace of mind. You can easily worry your life away and as Mark Twain once said most of what we worry about never comes to pass.

You are much better off to have independent elder parents who are positive forward thinkers anticipating a long and fruitful period of golden years than to have negative pessimistic elder parents who rattle on endlessly about every real and imagined ache and how they can’t wait to die and so and so just died and such and such just happened and isn’t the world a terrible place etc. This is no different than at any stage of life, you’re blessed to have positive people in your life. Don’t worry about what obligations might fall to you until they do, because they might not. Your parents might live long enough that you have to work out home care or placements for them or whatever - but you could also get a call someday that they died in an auto accident on the way to the park with their puppy. Beyond taking reasonable steps to protect them when the time comes that they need that assistance- should they lose capacity - you don’t need to waste your present happiness worrying about future what ifs most of which may never come to pass. Cross that bridge when you come to it and don’t spend a minute of today worrying about it. [/quote]

I love this advice.  After spending many months wringing my hands about my declining parents who live far away (and got a puppy at 75) in the same house they have lived in for 50 years without even considering downsizing to a more practical place -  (Where would they put their furniture?) - I have come to the conclusion that they are of sound mind and make their own choices.  I will do the best I can do to help them when the sh!t hits the fan, but they're bad choices are not on me.  I need to live my life, connect with them, and stop the worry (which is affecting my own health).  [/quote]

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