My dad is planning to live another 20 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like an odd thing to worry about. Few men live to be 97. Don’t borrow trouble.

dp.. indeed, but some do live that long, and OP is concerned about having to take care of them, and rightly so.

My dad is 90. He's still very spry, mentally all there, but can't see as well anymore. Thankfully, my sibling doesn't mind taking care of them, as I live on the other side of the country with kids, but we do provide financial assistance.

Financial assistance is not the same and you know it. How do you your sibling is ok with the greater burden?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child with 4 parents/stepparents ranging in age from late 60s-late 70s. I’m terrified they’re all going to decline one after the other and I’ll be stuck worrying after them for the next 3 decades.

Sorry for being cynical but I wouldn’t worry as much about step parents
Each child is responsible for 2 parents, 4 is way over the top

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like an odd thing to worry about. Few men live to be 97. Don’t borrow trouble.

dp.. indeed, but some do live that long, and OP is concerned about having to take care of them, and rightly so.

My dad is 90. He's still very spry, mentally all there, but can't see as well anymore. Thankfully, my sibling doesn't mind taking care of them, as I live on the other side of the country with kids, but we do provide financial assistance.

Financial assistance is not the same and you know it. How do you your sibling is ok with the greater burden?

OP here and we have a similar arrangement with my brother for the future, I am ok with that. He will need to send most of the money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my revelation. I am honestly somewhat angry with dad as he is so eager to live so long. He just thinks about himself but gives no thought to how it affects me. At the same time I feel guilty as he isn’t really a HUGE burden to me or anything. He also had many difficult years caring for my mother who was a very very unpleasant and difficult person. I am grateful he took that that burden off me but also angry that he didn’t protect me from her enough.
I don’t really think I need therapy but I just wanted to say it out loud.

Are you sure you don’t need therapy? I mean, yes, these years can be hard, but you seem angry. Not at the caretaking you are doing, but just because the man wants to live? I say this as someone who nursed my mom through years of cancer, the last years living with me, and it was hard and I got frustrated and felt worn down but I don’t recall feeling angry that she wanted to live. Everyone is different, but I wonder if therapy would help you get to a more peaceful place.

It’s such a long winded and complicated situation that it’s not worth it imo even start
Long story short dad has always been somewhat childish, self centered, and we though he was a good dad when I was little, as in a good friend or an older brother maybe, I think he failed to be the protective strong figure we all need as kids. My mother was a difficult person and had complete rule over him. Now that she is gone he seems clueless as to how to be an adult. She used to complain that he needs constant guidance and supervision; I thought she was enabling him, but I am starting to see what she meant.
I am resentful that he wants 20 years of being under an illusion of being independent. Well he is not! It’s a strange combination of occasional self deprecation and lack of humility and acceptance of him getting older that boggles my mind.
He constantly grieves how he is not young anymore, and at the same time he is worried when he discovers how he isn’t as strong or energetic as he used to be, I think he is resistant to recognizing signs of aging. It’s like he was young and then grew old but was never really mature.
Hope I am making sense here

[Anonymous]

Words of wisdom? It’s his life. And please—please—seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws, 83 and 86, are all about with “longevity.” Every single thing they eat and 90% of what they do it based on whatever current science suggests. I love that they are pretty healthy, strong and active, but it’s a bit much and they don’t seem so happy.
My young adult kids see their grandparents’ lifestyle as limited, my daughter remarking they are living very restricted and obsessed because they’re so scared of dying. I kinda agree, but at least they are making choices and staying healthy.

I'm with your daughter. Limiting the things that make life enjoyable just to make life longer makes no sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Very very few men live until 97. It’s super unlikely op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws, 83 and 86, are all about with “longevity.” Every single thing they eat and 90% of what they do it based on whatever current science suggests. I love that they are pretty healthy, strong and active, but it’s a bit much and they don’t seem so happy.
My young adult kids see their grandparents’ lifestyle as limited, my daughter remarking they are living very restricted and obsessed because they’re so scared of dying. I kinda agree, but at least they are making choices and staying healthy.

I'm with your daughter. Limiting the things that make life enjoyable just to make life longer makes no sense to me.

I am probably way overstepping but do they even think that maybe their relatives aren’t as excited for the prospect of their living for a long time?
This is what sort of bothers me. Why do people over 80 think that they inflict zero work on their loved ones?
I don’t mean them specifically but in general

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very very few men live until 97. It’s super unlikely op.

Thank you for being kind

[Anonymous]

In my in-laws case, the well parent died first. Very unexpectedly. You just don't know. Sometimes the Best Plan, will mean nothing. So, don't rely on the idea that .. if you could just plan ahead, coming up with the best plan, it will happen that way.

Ironically, the IL death came pretty close after I had been rather harsh with my own Mother. Telling her, "I can't believe you don't have a plan!"

My point had been, though our lives as their kids, our parent had expected us to have a plan for our lives.

[Anonymous]

Op a couple things:

A) my dad is 75 and sounds like your dad in that he’s also very immature and very selfish and so I somewhat understand that aspect of what you describe w your dad
B) I understand why you wouldn’t want to have to care for him and/or have the mental burden of helping him through the elder years for the next 20 years
C) you are really getting all worked up about something that most likely won’t happen. My grandmother just died at age 97 and she outlived my grandfather by 13 hears as well as outlived every single one of her large group of same-age male and female relatives, friends, and neighbors in the assisted living facility, most of whom died 10-15 years ago. It is very very unlikely your dad will live to age 97.

Maybe your dad is in denial of his own aging. He doesn’t want to face the likelihood that he doesn’t have much time left so proclaiming he “plans to live to age 97” (I mean I want to do a lot of things that probably won’t happen too so I get it—why can’t he wish/hope) may really just be his denial and fear of death.

I think like another poster said just be glad that he’s optimistic and hopeful and not like my in laws who are mid 70s and healthy but have very doomsday thinking (like they’ll be staying at our house and when we go to bed we’ll say “goodnight see you tomorrow” and they’ll respond “I hope I’ll still be here tomorrow…”)

[Anonymous]

Friend was dreading the decline of her parents but she was the one who was the first to die. You just never know about life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op a couple things:

A) my dad is 75 and sounds like your dad in that he’s also very immature and very selfish and so I somewhat understand that aspect of what you describe w your dad
B) I understand why you wouldn’t want to have to care for him and/or have the mental burden of helping him through the elder years for the next 20 years
C) you are really getting all worked up about something that most likely won’t happen. My grandmother just died at age 97 and she outlived my grandfather by 13 hears as well as outlived every single one of her large group of same-age male and female relatives, friends, and neighbors in the assisted living facility, most of whom died 10-15 years ago. It is very very unlikely your dad will live to age 97.

Maybe your dad is in denial of his own aging. He doesn’t want to face the likelihood that he doesn’t have much time left so proclaiming he “plans to live to age 97” (I mean I want to do a lot of things that probably won’t happen too so I get it—why can’t he wish/hope) may really just be his denial and fear of death.

I think like another poster said just be glad that he’s optimistic and hopeful and not like my in laws who are mid 70s and healthy but have very doomsday thinking (like they’ll be staying at our house and when we go to bed we’ll say “goodnight see you tomorrow” and they’ll respond “I hope I’ll still be here tomorrow…”)

Thank you so much, PP! It helps a lot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend was dreading the decline of her parents but she was the one who was the first to die. You just never know about life.

True! But honestly that’s another burden - I “can’t afford” to die before my parent! Not that I am planning to but I am kind of looking forward to the absolute freedom that, to my mind, comes with the kids grown and parents gone - we are not needed anymore, and however lonely, it may also feel liberating. All ducks in a row, now I can do whatever…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I just wanted to add that it scares me that I will almost inevitably be a burden on my kid eventually, no matter how healthy and sane and independent I am. He is an only, so it will be harder for him unless he just checks out. I don’t know how to feel about it but dealing with my dad has me thinking a lot about these things…

well, I say this gently, if this situation with your dad is making you think about how you will be a burden to your grown son, then start making plans to avoid that. Now. Don't put him in a position to have to choose you or himself (and the family he will likely create). Make your plans with a primary objective of NOT being a burden. That means downsizing, living in a home you can handle and navigate, getting and maintaining a good handle on your needs (paying bills, filing taxes, getting mail order pharmacy for medications, living close by or planning to pay for his plane tickets to visit, having your death and funeral plans set, getting comfortable with online shopping, hiring help).