"You should have another kid"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a second child 5 years after the birth of my first with special needs, in part because I realized I would be intensely miserable if all I ever was, was the parent of a SN child. It may seem selfish, but since I'd always wanted kids, I thought I deserved a chance to have a normal child-raising experience. So we rolled the dice and won the lottery. Our oldest has taught all of us in the family humility and resilience when dealing with daily mental and physical illness. And our second has shown us how joyful and worry-free parenting a neurotypical child can be.

If any of you are hesitating, I just wanted to relay my experience. Perhaps some of the people closest to you who have asked you this question have this concern in the back of their mind, but can't quite articulate it.

We are in the same boat. It is such a relief. And so much fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it.

I can see what you are saying PP, but unless the SN is something that can be screened for through IVF and either insurance will cover IVF or someone has enough money (and the will) to go through IVF there is no guarantee that a second baby will not have SN. The probability may be low but it is higher than if DC1 didn't have special needs. There are a lot of considerations beyond that as well. Making a blanket statement like the one that you made is not helpful and also, is a generalization and anecdotal. You don't know every SN parent of 1.

Indeed, which is why I stated - in my observation. Obviously, anecdotal.

[Anonymous]

We have three kids (one with SN) and people *still* ask me all the time if we're going to have another. People are nosy and obnoxious. Try to just roll your eyes and move on, although I know that can be easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it.

It could be that the 'most miserable special needs parents' you know are the ones with their hands already more than full and are therefore the least able to handle another child. In other words, being less miserable in the first place allowed the other families to have another child, rather than your assumption that having the other child lessened the misery.

Also, of course, many special needs have a genetic component, so people have to consider those odds, too. That next kid may have special needs as well, thus doubling any misery!

Your statement also kind of assumes that kids with special needs don't provide joy in and of themselves, which is generally not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a second child 5 years after the birth of my first with special needs, in part because I realized I would be intensely miserable if all I ever was, was the parent of a SN child. It may seem selfish, but since I'd always wanted kids, I thought I deserved a chance to have a normal child-raising experience. So we rolled the dice and won the lottery. Our oldest has taught all of us in the family humility and resilience when dealing with daily mental and physical illness. And our second has shown us how joyful and worry-free parenting a neurotypical child can be.

If any of you are hesitating, I just wanted to relay my experience. Perhaps some of the people closest to you who have asked you this question have this concern in the back of their mind, but can't quite articulate it.

We are in the same boat. It is such a relief. And so much fun.

I'm sure you did not mean it this way, but it is sad to read that you consider the second kid as 'winning the lottery.' I'm hopeful your parenting doesn't reflect that sentiment, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it.

It could be that the 'most miserable special needs parents' you know are the ones with their hands already more than full and are therefore the least able to handle another child. In other words, being less miserable in the first place allowed the other families to have another child, rather than your assumption that having the other child lessened the misery.

Also, of course, many special needs have a genetic component, so people have to consider those odds, too. That next kid may have special needs as well, thus doubling any misery!

Your statement also kind of assumes that kids with special needs don't provide joy in and of themselves, which is generally not the case.

DP. But that's the thing, you can only hold so much - focusing 100% on one child isn't great for the child or the parent, without SN; adding SN means diluting the focus is more important.

We have two kids, both with SN, and I wish we could have three to dilute things, but because of health issues we can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it.

It could be that the 'most miserable special needs parents' you know are the ones with their hands already more than full and are therefore the least able to handle another child. In other words, being less miserable in the first place allowed the other families to have another child, rather than your assumption that having the other child lessened the misery.

Also, of course, many special needs have a genetic component, so people have to consider those odds, too. That next kid may have special needs as well, thus doubling any misery!

Your statement also kind of assumes that kids with special needs don't provide joy in and of themselves, which is generally not the case.

Ok, I mean, it sounds like you’re generally determined to find fault and be miserable, so I’m sure it will work out that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it.

I mean, maybe if they wanted more than one kid. I never wanted more than one kid and that hasn't changed just because my one kid has medical issues and physical and intellectual disabilities. I didn't expect to have a kid with disabilities, and there was definitely grief involved with her diagnoses, but the reality is that I've accepted who she is and love her for it, and don't need a "normal" kid to make up for her perceived deficiencies. DH, on the other hand, always wanted more kids and feels her disabilities more acutely, but he accepts that we're at the max of what we can handle in terms of her needs and our demanding jobs and acknowledges that, under these conditions, another kid would not set him up for a life he'd want to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we have a 13 year old only child and I am almost 50 and people still ask "are you going to give her a sibling?"

I just say- no and roll my eyes.

LOL -- me too friend!

But joking aside, I admit to anxious thoughts about our only's future without a sib. Thoughts on how to build a community?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:we have a 13 year old only child and I am almost 50 and people still ask "are you going to give her a sibling?"

I just say- no and roll my eyes.

LOL -- me too friend!

But joking aside, I admit to anxious thoughts about our only's future without a sib. Thoughts on how to build a community?

Ours is close to cousins and has lots of friends. My husband is one of 6 kids and I don't know when he last spoke to any of his siblings so siblings are no guarantee of community.

[Anonymous]

We were one and done before we had any of her diagnosis. She is very close with her cousins, neighbors and has lots of friends. I am one of 3, DH is one of 2 but his sister is so much older he felt like an only for most of his life.

Honestly literally the day DD was born my inlaws were asking us when we were having #2. Both our parents asked relentlessly for several years until DH and both told them enough. Stop asking lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:we have a 13 year old only child and I am almost 50 and people still ask "are you going to give her a sibling?"

I just say- no and roll my eyes.

LOL -- me too friend!

But joking aside, I admit to anxious thoughts about our only's future without a sib. Thoughts on how to build a community?

Ours is close to cousins and has lots of friends. My husband is one of 6 kids and I don't know when he last spoke to any of his siblings so siblings are no guarantee of community.

DP. This is the opposite of what I have. I’m so jealous of you as if this were case for us I would definitely be done with having kids. None of my three siblings have kids. My spouse is an only child and their parents are estranged from their entire family and are just generally uninterested in anyone besides themselves. And one of my parents and basically his whole family is dead. The family we do have is very supportive but there are no other kids and it makes me so envious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a second child 5 years after the birth of my first with special needs, in part because I realized I would be intensely miserable if all I ever was, was the parent of a SN child. It may seem selfish, but since I'd always wanted kids, I thought I deserved a chance to have a normal child-raising experience. So we rolled the dice and won the lottery. Our oldest has taught all of us in the family humility and resilience when dealing with daily mental and physical illness. And our second has shown us how joyful and worry-free parenting a neurotypical child can be.

If any of you are hesitating, I just wanted to relay my experience. Perhaps some of the people closest to you who have asked you this question have this concern in the back of their mind, but can't quite articulate it.

OP here. I don’t mean to pick on you but I’m going to because what you said is a perfect example. YOU rolled the dice and got lucky. I’m happy for it. However, you are in the group of people who are likely tell me that at age 49 I should just have another kid.

The moms I know who have TWO special needs kids never need to “relay their experience” to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it.

It could be that the 'most miserable special needs parents' you know are the ones with their hands already more than full and are therefore the least able to handle another child. In other words, being less miserable in the first place allowed the other families to have another child, rather than your assumption that having the other child lessened the misery.

Also, of course, many special needs have a genetic component, so people have to consider those odds, too. That next kid may have special needs as well, thus doubling any misery!

Your statement also kind of assumes that kids with special needs don't provide joy in and of themselves, which is generally not the case.

DP. But that's the thing, you can only hold so much - focusing 100% on one child isn't great for the child or the parent, without SN; adding SN means diluting the focus is more important.

We have two kids, both with SN, and I wish we could have three to dilute things, but because of health issues we can't.

If I'm understanding you correctly, you're saying that everyone should always have more than one child because parents of only children focus 100% on their child and that "isn't great" for the child or parent? That sounds like you're opposed to one-child families as a general principle, and that you believe the only way parents can "dilute the focus" on their children is by having additional children? Is that a correct understanding of your position?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a second child 5 years after the birth of my first with special needs, in part because I realized I would be intensely miserable if all I ever was, was the parent of a SN child. It may seem selfish, but since I'd always wanted kids, I thought I deserved a chance to have a normal child-raising experience. So we rolled the dice and won the lottery. Our oldest has taught all of us in the family humility and resilience when dealing with daily mental and physical illness. And our second has shown us how joyful and worry-free parenting a neurotypical child can be.

If any of you are hesitating, I just wanted to relay my experience. Perhaps some of the people closest to you who have asked you this question have this concern in the back of their mind, but can't quite articulate it.

This is my experience too. No. 2 took a lot of work on our part but he is amazing. NT kids are a cakewalk compared to my SN kid. Plus I'm happy that each of our kids has a sibling because my own relationship with my siblings has been very special to me.