"You should have another kid"

[Anonymous]

Anyone else have an only child with SN? Do people nose into your business and tell you that you should have another kid? I admit I should just ignore this but it happens pretty often. It really burns me up. I tell them I have an only child because I only wanted one child. Then I don't discuss it any further. What are these people thinking? I don't see how adding another child will make the situation any better in any way.

[Anonymous]

You should STFU about what other people should do in terms of family planning, Debbie.

That’s your response.

[Anonymous]

My mother. It's gross when combined with her usual predicating statement, "All my friends at work have multiple grandchildren and I only have one." I'm sorry, what????? I give the same response every time: "No, we're never having another child. Enjoy the grandchild you have." Then I end the phone call.

The wild part is that while it makes my mother sound completely nuts on an anonymous forum, she is otherwise a wonderfully loving parent/grandparent.

[Anonymous]

we have a 13 year old only child and I am almost 50 and people still ask "are you going to give her a sibling?"

I just say- no and roll my eyes.

[Anonymous]

I have a 3 yr old, so we still get the people who just don’t believe us, which is hard because we are high risk for having another special needs child (thanks, genetics). All the “*laugh* we said we were one and done too, and now we have three! Just you wait!”. Eye roll, uh huh, walk away.

[Anonymous]

Other than people like PP’s mom, they are just making conversation. No one actually cares whether you have another kid or not. It’s not the most socially savvy smalltalk, but you should treat it that way and shrug it off. Think of it like someone suggesting “Oh, you should have the lasagna” when ordering lunch.

[Anonymous]

People say this all the time to people with NT kids as well. If it’s a stranger or acquaintance, it’s just small talk and they really don’t care about the answer. You probably ask people other questions that you think are perfectly innocent but trigger them in some way. Just ignore it and move along with your perfectly fine family structure that you chose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than people like PP’s mom, they are just making conversation. No one actually cares whether you have another kid or not. It’s not the most socially savvy smalltalk, but you should treat it that way and shrug it off. Think of it like someone suggesting “Oh, you should have the lasagna” when ordering lunch.

Uh no. Commenting on how many children someone has is really rude. I’d rather you comment on the lasagne.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than people like PP’s mom, they are just making conversation. No one actually cares whether you have another kid or not. It’s not the most socially savvy smalltalk, but you should treat it that way and shrug it off. Think of it like someone suggesting “Oh, you should have the lasagna” when ordering lunch.

Yup. These and other comments have never bothered me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else have an only child with SN? Do people nose into your business and tell you that you should have another kid? I admit I should just ignore this but it happens pretty often. It really burns me up. I tell them I have an only child because I only wanted one child. Then I don't discuss it any further. What are these people thinking? I don't see how adding another child will make the situation any better in any way.

People used to say this to me but I took it as "idle chit chat" and they thought my kids cute I would just say "yep we should but this is all we can handle" Laugh more. It helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than people like PP’s mom, they are just making conversation. No one actually cares whether you have another kid or not. It’s not the most socially savvy smalltalk, but you should treat it that way and shrug it off. Think of it like someone suggesting “Oh, you should have the lasagna” when ordering lunch.

Uh no. Commenting on how many children someone has is really rude. I’d rather you comment on the lasagne.

You may take it as rude but it's not intended that way. Sometimes people talk and the words that come out are dumb. They don't even realize it.

My neighbor has one child and has struggled for years with secondary infertility. They're open about their struggles and have tried virtually everything. My mom insists on saying "you should try this" or "have you thought of that." OMG. Just stop already. They know more about infertility than my mom and I will ever know put together. They are adults who are responsible for their own decisions and are not asking for advice. My mom doesn't mean to be hurtful but it might come off that way.

[Anonymous]

People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else have an only child with SN? Do people nose into your business and tell you that you should have another kid? I admit I should just ignore this but it happens pretty often. It really burns me up. I tell them I have an only child because I only wanted one child. Then I don't discuss it any further. What are these people thinking? I don't see how adding another child will make the situation any better in any way.

I have twins and people asked me when they were young when we were going for a third. Now that I'm pregnant with a third the commentary is more like "Wow, that's a big family" or "You're really going for it" or my favorite "Are you going to quit your job now?" I think no matter what people feel entitled to make comments about family size and ask intrusive questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it.

I can see what you are saying PP, but unless the SN is something that can be screened for through IVF and either insurance will cover IVF or someone has enough money (and the will) to go through IVF there is no guarantee that a second baby will not have SN. The probability may be low but it is higher than if DC1 didn't have special needs. There are a lot of considerations beyond that as well. Making a blanket statement like the one that you made is not helpful and also, is a generalization and anecdotal. You don't know every SN parent of 1.

[Anonymous]

I had a second child 5 years after the birth of my first with special needs, in part because I realized I would be intensely miserable if all I ever was, was the parent of a SN child. It may seem selfish, but since I'd always wanted kids, I thought I deserved a chance to have a normal child-raising experience. So we rolled the dice and won the lottery. Our oldest has taught all of us in the family humility and resilience when dealing with daily mental and physical illness. And our second has shown us how joyful and worry-free parenting a neurotypical child can be.

If any of you are hesitating, I just wanted to relay my experience. Perhaps some of the people closest to you who have asked you this question have this concern in the back of their mind, but can't quite articulate it.