"You should have another kid"

[Anonymous]

^^^ out of love

Blegh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a second child 5 years after the birth of my first with special needs, in part because I realized I would be intensely miserable if all I ever was, was the parent of a SN child. It may seem selfish, but since I'd always wanted kids, I thought I deserved a chance to have a normal child-raising experience. So we rolled the dice and won the lottery. Our oldest has taught all of us in the family humility and resilience when dealing with daily mental and physical illness. And our second has shown us how joyful and worry-free parenting a neurotypical child can be.

If any of you are hesitating, I just wanted to relay my experience. Perhaps some of the people closest to you who have asked you this question have this concern in the back of their mind, but can't quite articulate it.

We are in the same boat. It is such a relief. And so much fun.

I'm sure you did not mean it this way, but it is sad to read that you consider the second kid as 'winning the lottery.' I'm hopeful your parenting doesn't reflect that sentiment, though.

I'm the PP who said that. My oldest is now 17 and my "lottery" kid is 12. I know full well that my 12 year old could have a terrible accident or come down with a terrible illness or take a turn in her life that's makes us all stressed out. But for now, she is the "lottery" kid in that I. don't. worry. about her.
And since I worry every day about my 17 year old, and have worried *every single day of his life*... I can't put into words what a balm it is to have such a second child!
My first has taken years off my life, PP. Parenting him has brought me close to divorce twice. As soon as he was born, my husband and I had to rethink our entire life trajectory. Our lives revolve around him and his needs. And this will continue for I don't know how many years.

So pardon me, but it's not appropriate for you to criticize until you've walked in my shoes. I am merely describing my experience. I accept that yours is different.

Yes but what you are saying is that your second child turned out NT so you feel really happy. Great!

So what?

You acknowledged that it was a high stakes gamble. I’m saying you have no business telling other people to reconsider their monumental life decision just because you got lucky. You got lucky. That’s all. It’s no basis for giving anyone else your “anecdotal experience.” Your experience has zero impact on how my second child would turn out. And you sure wouldn’t be there to pitch in if it went sideways. So enjoy what you have and leave it be!

PP you replied to. You and OP both pointed this out, and I have to say that in real life I don't say a word to anyone. I am not the sort of person to pipe up and say "you should have another kid". My first post was to explain that perhaps your relatives who care about you mention this with this thought in mind: that maybe it's worth it to roll the dice? Or maybe it's not. I am not categorical, I do not judge or command. I only wish to remind you of that possibility, if it is indeed a possibility for you. Only YOU get to decide.

So don't accuse me of doing something I have not done. I will not comment to your face. But I am asking the question here, with love. If it's not in the cards, it's not, and of course I respect that.

you don’t know how to stop yourself, do you? Just stop. Doing it on an online forum stinks just as much as in person. Suggesting that we are misreading the intentions of others is even more condescending. I don’t care that you might be doing it out of long. Just stop. Do you understand yet?

Wait I had to respond to this. You are wanting to remind me that if is a possibility to have another child after I have already had o one child? Am I understanding correctly that you want me to know it might be a possibility to procreate again if I do choose and you think it’s possible that I have not realized this unless you come along and point it to me???

Get in the lake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we have a 13 year old only child and I am almost 50 and people still ask "are you going to give her a sibling?"

I just say- no and roll my eyes.

Lol. Same.

I know this is in reference to having a child with special needs, and I just wanted to say people say it to everyone with an only child, sn or not.

[Anonymous]

Frame it as: they like you, and think there should be more of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it.

I can see what you are saying PP, but unless the SN is something that can be screened for through IVF and either insurance will cover IVF or someone has enough money (and the will) to go through IVF there is no guarantee that a second baby will not have SN. The probability may be low but it is higher than if DC1 didn't have special needs. There are a lot of considerations beyond that as well. Making a blanket statement like the one that you made is not helpful and also, is a generalization and anecdotal. You don't know every SN parent of 1.

One of the happiest people I know had one child with significant SN. She told me that she was “one and done”. She has cultivated a rich life for her, her DH and her DC. Her DC transitioned to a group home with other great young adults with SN, has a FT job, and a full life of activities including sport and travel. Attitude matters.

[Anonymous]

No way. I would love to worry less about my kid. But the worst possible thing would be to deal with the serious aggression between siblings that I am 99% sure would happen.

[Anonymous]

Weird. The one mom I know of 3 kids (2 NT and one SN) has often said she worries more about her NT kids and they give her more heartache.

Having a baby because you want a “normal” child is kind of gross. And sets the “normal” child up for major issues too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird. The one mom I know of 3 kids (2 NT and one SN) has often said she worries more about her NT kids and they give her more heartache.

Having a baby because you want a “normal” child is kind of gross. And sets the “normal” child up for major issues too.

Being super judgmental of what other people need to have a family life they feel good about is really gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird. The one mom I know of 3 kids (2 NT and one SN) has often said she worries more about her NT kids and they give her more heartache.

Having a baby because you want a “normal” child is kind of gross. And sets the “normal” child up for major issues too.

Being super judgmental of what other people need to have a family life they feel good about is really gross.

Personally I don’t think children serve to give adults what they “need.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird. The one mom I know of 3 kids (2 NT and one SN) has often said she worries more about her NT kids and they give her more heartache.

Having a baby because you want a “normal” child is kind of gross. And sets the “normal” child up for major issues too.

Being super judgmental of what other people need to have a family life they feel good about is really gross.

Personally I don’t think children serve to give adults what they “need.”

Nobody said they did. Get over yourself. You don’t have some super elevated view.

[Anonymous]

I'm the younger sibling of someone with SN (lives on disability in a supported apartment). Two years apart, so Mom was not aware of SN at the time she got pregnant.
I am glad to be alive. Yes, there are some responsibilities I will have after the older generation dies to take care of my brother. Someone asked me years ago if it would be wrong to have a second child when their older son had such severe needs. I say if you feel you have enough energy to manage two kids, don't avoid it because you're worried how it would affect the younger kid/be unfair to the younger kid. Life is good.