Why don't parents understand that their kids lie and/or misrepresent things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher (and a parent), I am always surprised when a kid tells some story to their parents about what happened in class and the parent refuses to believe that what the kid said isn't true. First of all, kids perceive things differently because they feel like they are under a microscope, but also, kids lie. They lie to get out of trouble, avoid blame or work, and for tons of other weird reasons. A parent refusing to believe an adult who is partnering with them in their child's education is a betrayal. Public service announcement: your kid tells untruths. It's developmentally appropriate. You're not a bad parent when this happens.

Umm, no. While it’s possible that a kid is lying, it is also possible that a teacher is lying. We have had first hand irrefutable experience of the latter on more than one occasion.

PSA: Kids tell untruths, but sometimes adults do too. Adults are not automatically to be believed over kids (that kind of environment enables abuse - both sexual abuse and white privilege). If lying is developmentally appropriate, then teachers should expect a certain amount of it and have strategies to deal with it. It’s school, not a cult where students and parents have to believe every word that comes out of a teacher’s mouth.

And, kids “perceive things differently,” it’s because they have a different perception than you, not necessarily that they are lying.

[Anonymous]

When I ask to talk to a teacher about what my kid said, which is pretty rare, I always say “this is what kid said. I would appreciate hearing your perspective on what happened.”

[Anonymous]

University professor here: college kids misrepresent too. Mostly it’s not lying: it’s a combination of inattention, self-serving perception, and a touch of ageism. (I.e., anyone over 25 is too old to understand how the lesson might have been offensive or triggering.)

[Anonymous]

Folks here are totally proving the OP right.

If you haven’t worked in a school it’s hard to understand how unbelievably kids can misunderstand some things. Here are some that I’ve heard from middle schoolers: that caffeine is the same as alcohol so teachers who drink coffee in class are constantly drunk, that teachers have a hidden room where they take students and beat them, and that there are cameras in school so they can send you to jail if you’re late to class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks here are totally proving the OP right.

If you haven’t worked in a school it’s hard to understand how unbelievably kids can misunderstand some things. Here are some that I’ve heard from middle schoolers: that caffeine is the same as alcohol so teachers who drink coffee in class are constantly drunk, that teachers have a hidden room where they take students and beat them, and that there are cameras in school so they can send you to jail if you’re late to class.

Hahaha! I call that kid culture. Parents sometimes forget that their kids are getting information and ideas from many places other than home. Their perceptions of what’s important or what consequences will be can be totally distorted by their peer group. They get some really batshit crazy beliefs from each other, and it colors their perceptions of what should be an otherwise unremarkable interaction. They also somehow simultaneously believe teachers are omniscient, but know nothing.

You definitely need to not always take what kids say at face value. They may be existing in a parallel reality on the issue at hand.

[Anonymous]

Kids don't really realize the consequences of what they are actually saying. I had an energy drink in the classroom and had a kid shout, "Are you drinking beer?! That can looks like the beer my dad drinks." Facepalm because all it takes is one kid to hear that and spread misinformation. Parents should listen to their children, but they should also take actually consider what the kid is saying before jumping to conclusions that the incident in question went down the way the kid said it did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks here are totally proving the OP right.

If you haven’t worked in a school it’s hard to understand how unbelievably kids can misunderstand some things. Here are some that I’ve heard from middle schoolers: that caffeine is the same as alcohol so teachers who drink coffee in class are constantly drunk, that teachers have a hidden room where they take students and beat them, and that there are cameras in school so they can send you to jail if you’re late to class.

I don’t think any of the responses here suggest that parents would believe this type of information if “reported” to us by our kids. I am the first PP who said teachers/adults sometimes lie as well. And I stand by that. It doesn’t mean that I believe everything my kids tell me, but after a few instances of punishing my kids for lies other adults told me, I am much more skeptical, particularly if what I am being told isn’t consistent with what I know about my kids. But my kid telling me some random thing that a teacher did/said - I don’t automatically believe them and if it is something important I will ask (not accuse, but ask) the teacher.

[Anonymous]

I usually know but appreciate if a teacher tells me... why can't you talk to the parent and give them proof.

[Anonymous]

It’s strange to expect a parent to disregard what their kid is telling them and just take your word for it because “kids lie.” They do, sometimes. They also just see things differently. I’ve found that listening to my kid and taking their perspective seriously is really important for building trust, which makes lying less likely.

If you really viewed yourself as partnering with parents, you wouldn’t be taking this very black-and-white position where kids lie and teachers are always right. It’s not productive.

Usually when my kid is telling me about something upsetting at school, I focus on listening and asking questions. I don’t view it as my role ti determine “the truth” but to support and provide guidance for my kid. If the teacher has insight to facilitate that, I’m all ears. But the idea of listening to the kid’s and teacher’s account and picking a winner? I just don’t see what the point of this is.

[Anonymous]

https://twitter.com/FixingEducation/status/1157278929658531840

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher (and a parent), I am always surprised when a kid tells some story to their parents about what happened in class and the parent refuses to believe that what the kid said isn't true. First of all, kids perceive things differently because they feel like they are under a microscope, but also, kids lie. They lie to get out of trouble, avoid blame or work, and for tons of other weird reasons. A parent refusing to believe an adult who is partnering with them in their child's education is a betrayal. Public service announcement: your kid tells untruths. It's developmentally appropriate. You're not a bad parent when this happens.

Umm, no. While it’s possible that a kid is lying, it is also possible that a teacher is lying. We have had first hand irrefutable experience of the latter on more than one occasion.

PSA: Kids tell untruths, but sometimes adults do too. Adults are not automatically to be believed over kids (that kind of environment enables abuse - both sexual abuse and white privilege). If lying is developmentally appropriate, then teachers should expect a certain amount of it and have strategies to deal with it. It’s school, not a cult where students and parents have to believe every word that comes out of a teacher’s mouth.

And, kids “perceive things differently,” it’s because they have a different perception than you, not necessarily that they are lying.

I remember indicative lying teachers from when I was in HS. One even accused me for being part of a gang of students that was in subordinate because I had dropped her class. She saw me 50 ft down the hall at my locker and decided even though I said nothing to her that I was part of gang of students that were yelling at her. I ended up getting suspended for a week just because it was my word against hers. So in fact, 30 years later I haven't forgot that teacher do in fact lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher (and a parent), I am always surprised when a kid tells some story to their parents about what happened in class and the parent refuses to believe that what the kid said isn't true. First of all, kids perceive things differently because they feel like they are under a microscope, but also, kids lie. They lie to get out of trouble, avoid blame or work, and for tons of other weird reasons. A parent refusing to believe an adult who is partnering with them in their child's education is a betrayal. Public service announcement: your kid tells untruths. It's developmentally appropriate. You're not a bad parent when this happens.

Kids definitely lie and misrepresent and sometimes just have a different perspective.

However, just because a teacher is an adult doesn't mean they are always truthful and never misrepresent things. Maybe kids lie more, but I've seen plenty of teachers lie to cover it up when they did something wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher (and a parent), I am always surprised when a kid tells some story to their parents about what happened in class and the parent refuses to believe that what the kid said isn't true. First of all, kids perceive things differently because they feel like they are under a microscope, but also, kids lie. They lie to get out of trouble, avoid blame or work, and for tons of other weird reasons. A parent refusing to believe an adult who is partnering with them in their child's education is a betrayal. Public service announcement: your kid tells untruths. It's developmentally appropriate. You're not a bad parent when this happens.

Umm, no. While it’s possible that a kid is lying, it is also possible that a teacher is lying. We have had first hand irrefutable experience of the latter on more than one occasion.

PSA: Kids tell untruths, but sometimes adults do too. Adults are not automatically to be believed over kids (that kind of environment enables abuse - both sexual abuse and white privilege). If lying is developmentally appropriate, then teachers should expect a certain amount of it and have strategies to deal with it. It’s school, not a cult where students and parents have to believe every word that comes out of a teacher’s mouth.

And, kids “perceive things differently,” it’s because they have a different perception than you, not necessarily that they are lying.

Wait, you're asking teachers...to understand your kid is liar because that is their age group and just deal with it? No. Do your job as a parent and teach your kids that lying is wrong and explain the consequences that come along with it. I've volunteered in classrooms for years and it always amuses me when parents think they know who their kid is outside of their care. "My child would never..." Well, actually your kid not only did A but they also did B and C which were even worse..."

[Anonymous]

The amount of parents here defending 12yr olds and accusing teachers of lying is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The amount of parents here defending 12yr olds and accusing teachers of lying is disgusting.