Reply to This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Prefacing this by saying that DH is a wonderful involved Dad and pull his weight around this house. We both work full time. Toddler and preschool aged kids.

I made a comment during a disagreement yesterday that he doesn't understand how stressful it is to be "always on" because he can largely come and go as he pleases. He was really shocked and said he didn't think that was the dynamic at all and I told him to think about it and we can discuss it today.

These are my feelings:
-DH travels for work one week every month or two. Obviously during that time, I have to do 100% of kids, house, dog, etc. If anything comes up like kids are sick, doc appointment, I get sick, something happens at work I just have to handle it. I knew this is part of his job, we discussed this thoroughly before he accepted it, but it is still stressful for me. I'm not expecting anything to change here but maybe just some thanks or acknowledgment for holding down the fort while he's taking pre work runs through Central Park or along the ocean.

-[b]Last night he went for a run then to the store without even telling me he was leaving. Just assuming that was fine for me.[/b]

-He has a client for wok that's an hour drive away. He had to go there last Monday for a meeting and it spiraled into this huge fiasco that has resulted in him having to be there on site everyday last week and thus far this week. Everyday he says he will be home at regular time and then every day he has texted me that its running over- will be late and is coming home 2 hours later than normal. Again, I understand this is for work and out of his control but couldn't he ASK instead of TELL me that he will be late.

-When we have date nights or go out with friends, [b]he always lets loose and gets drunk, assuming I will have a glass or two of wine and be fine to be on with the kids[/b]. Sometimes the toddler still wakes up during the night and they both get up at 6am. If DH has more than 2 a couple beers, he sleeps like a total rock and would never wake to the kids calling out.

I can't imagine ever just leaving for a run without ensuring he was available to care for the kids.

Does anyone else feel like this? If you don't, how do you hit a better balance?
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OP, please look above.

The items in bold are absolute top priority. Let the work-related things cool off for now. The bolded items are up for serious discussion and require him to change his thinking to put you and the kids ahead of himself. I'm not saying he's a bad guy! But these two items -- just leaving without even minimal check-in to see if maybe YOU were about to go out, etc,, and drinking to the point of being drunk, well, any time -- are red flags that he doesn't truly "get" that he is not the center of the family. The kids are.

I do NOT say that becasue I have some magical-mommy gooey idea that "kids are the center of the universe." I say it because at your children's ages, they are truly unable to cope without a fully functioning, sober adult Right. There. With. Them. This is their age and stage and he does not get it at all.

I'd be telling him that it is discourteous at best and potentially risky at worst to just up and disappear to the store. Sure, he may think he's being helpful and you can add that IF it's true: "I know you were trying to be helpful, but I could not find you and had to text to see where you were. I needed you to (whatever with kid 1) because I had to (whatever with kid 2)...I am not telling you, never go out for a run, never dash to the store, but I'm ASKING you just to let me know as a courtesy, like I do with you. " The cutting loose and getting drunk is even worse because he is functioning on an assumption he may not even realize he has; does he actually express to you, "Well, I knew you'd be sober for the kids, so why can't I relax and unwind?!" If you're OK with the drinking to excess in itself, you and he need to take turns on when he can drink more and when YOU can drink more if that's your thing. But either way, he's clearly thinking about himself first, kids second. Of course parents are adults with their own interests, friends and lives, but you are putting the kids ahead of any "need" to unwind, ahead of a run or a drink, and he really isn't even thinking about it.

I'd script what you want to say so you aren't finger-wagging. "When you do X, I feel Y" is a good construction, whereas "You always do X!"

The work issues are actually simpler. Wtih the travel, just say that you understand and appreciate the travel; expres that you do feel a bit jealous of things like his getting to spend the off hours doing what he wants, in places that are interesting. Just own the fact it's nice for him and you're a bit envious, and ask if he can see why. He might say, "Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm working!" If so, defuse his defensiveness and explain you are not asking him to change! You're asking just for him to acknowledge that when he's on travel, he's free of 100 percent of not just kid stuff but life stuff, and you'd like a little recognition. Ask for it.

The work at the client site that blew up -- I really would let that go entirely, based on what you describe. You want him to ask you and not tell you he's not going to be home at the predetermined time, but honestly, if he's at a client's beck and call, he cannot "ask" you anything; he's got to do what the client wants, when the client wants it. It is temporary, based on your description, and I truly would not raise that as an example. If you've been keeping dinner hot for him or keeping the kids up to see him when he gets in, etc., just stop. But [i]if he expects[/i] to walk in the door hours later than usual and later than he'd anticipated, AND then wants to see kids who should be asleep and eat hot food like it's a restaurant, well, that is a poor and unrealistic expectation on HIS part, not yours. And I'd tell him so. "The kids will be cranky all day tomorrow if they stay up past bedtime to see you; and you will not be the one dealing with that fallout. This is not our normal routine so let's get through this one assignment and it will go back to normal, but you know they need their routine." (All  this is a big "if," though; maybe he does not swan in late expecting kid hugs and a full meal on the table. I hope not.)

It sounds like he's not clued in to the toddler/preschooler stage and also maybe he's so into his work that he's used to putting that, and by extension himself, first. He may even say, "I earn the most/have a career going and I need down time/need to relax and drink with friends/don't get why you think my work travel is glamorous" etc. If he really is like that, you and he might benefit from some short-term counseling focused on communications and being aware of each others' contributions to the family and voicing recognition of those responsibilities.

Do clearly acknowledge and repeat that you consider him a good, engaged dad. Also, honestly, I'd try to book a night away for just the two of you if you have a trusted overnight sitter who comes to your house. You and your DH sound way, way, overstreteched, especially with his work.

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