Today’s young adults want apologies from their parents; parents want a thank you

[Anonymous]

I do observe more discourse- largely on the internet about how parents' behavior harmed or did a disservice to their kids.

My theory is that it is a byproduct of the (very good) increasing focus on mental health and how interpersonal dynamics can affect mental health. We learn to identify things like trauma, and toxicity, and the like. The problem arises when that lens overtakes everything, and the concepts are applied to nonproblematic behavior. You see it happening on this board- people refer to "toxic" parents, gaslighting, narcissism, passive-aggressive, etc. No doubt, these things exist and can be harmful. But when imperfect parents doing their best who made some mistakes are labeled as causing "trauma" for their children, the whole thing breaks down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe because of social media, maybe because of how they were raised, 18+ often expect perfection in everything, from their partners to their parents to their jobs. It’s unrealistic and can do them a great disservice.

+1. I think it’s also become somehow “cool” or edgy to have experienced trauma or have mental health issues. Parents are a really easy target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s new to want an apology for a screw-up. Seeing and feeling sad for the pain another has gone through, regardless of the source, is a way to have a deeper connection with somebody. I think it’s more socially acceptable to talk about it with others.

Same with appreciation for what you have done for others, but since adult children have become more firm about wanting apologies, I think there has been a backlash against that with parents saying “you want an apology? Well what about some appreciation for everything I did?” That has always been the case because people are just bad at conflict and relationships but it might be more prevalent now. It certainly is more visible.

You don’t define pain or screwups. Nobody would defend the abusers, but there’s a lot of room for error beneath this. Yet somehow you jump to blaming parents because they’re “just bad at conflict.” Typical, and that’s probably exactly what OP is talking about.

I don’t say parents are the only ones who are bad at conflict. The vast majority of people are. And the way a parent’s poor conflict skills manifest in this situation is often deflection.

I didn’t think I needed to define pain or screw ups. But I don’t see why the definition matters. I believe we should empathize with all pain, no matter the degree, and take accountability for screw-ups, no matter how small. I think the empathy piece is less true of a child toward their parent because you need to be cautious of the child being asked to emotionally support a parent, but children too should apologize for their mistakes as well.

Lastly, I do actually think abusers deserve defense as well. The abuse does not, but I actually have empathy for abusers. The difference between abusive parents and parents who made a lot of common mistakes is, from the perspective of anybody but the child, a matter of degree. You can defend the good intentions of abusers just as much as you can defend the good intentions of any other flawed person. That’s not the same as defending the mistakes or abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

I think so. If their parents didn't want to procreate, young people wouldn't have a single problem to begin with. You bring other humans into this world without their consents, pass your subpar genes, do flawed parenting with your limited emotional and financial resources in a messed up world, the least you can do is to apologize. I'm only half kidding here, even the best of parents are literally the source of half of the problems kids face.

[Anonymous]

Why are apologies and thank yous mutually exclusive? Relationships, including parent-child relationships, are not black and white. Parents can do plenty right that merits appreciation from their kids while also making mistakes that warrant an apology from the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

I think so. If their parents didn't want to procreate, young people wouldn't have a single problem to begin with. You bring other humans into this world without their consents, pass your subpar genes, do flawed parenting with your limited emotional and financial resources in a messed up world, the least you can do is to apologize. I'm only half kidding here, even the best of parents are literally the source of half of the problems kids face.

You joke but there actually is part of me that regrets having kids because DD’s life is so freaking hard. She has to work so hard to not let her mental and physical illnesses take over her life, and even with that she is still sad and in pain most of the time. It’s part genetics part her early childhood when I didn’t have the emotional regulation skills that I should have had, and then of course I’m always making mistakes. Sometimes I just think “was it really fair to create a being who has to suffer so much?”

But she’s not asking for an apology for being born though! And my other child loves his life and often thanks me for giving birth so at least there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't most of us have a sense of being wronged? I don't think that's new.

I accept the general screw ups - we're all human - but the very bad behavior - affairs for example - it would be nice to at least get an acknowledgement that their choices had impacts on people besides themselves.

Np, I am 45, and don't feel at all wronged by my parents. They were terrific people, and I am grateful that I had them. Perfect? Nope.

Perhaps you had good parents and the PP didn't.

This website is full of people comparing and judging other people's parenting. But then whenever someone says "my parents were bad parents" posters jump all over them to be more grateful. Well guess what? Some of us had really terrible parents whose parenting you would judge very harshly.

I don't think it's good vs. bad parents. Sometimes, I think it's more about the individual's outlook. Some people chose to see the glass as half empty.

[Anonymous]

Let's forget passing genetic disorders, abandoning or abusing children and other bigger issues, just passing mediocre looks and IQ and then raising them with little resources while they compete with beautiful, intelligent and resourceful peers, is it really fair? Hard to say but how many parents actually even consider these thoughts?

Less resources and wisdom parents have, more kids they want to bring to this world. Its a complex issue and no body knows the answer but yes, even with best of intentions and efforts, plenty of mistakes are made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

Are you a social scientist researcher who has studied this question? Did you read this somewhere? Or are you just spouting some random observations based on a handful of young people in your orbit?

OP here. Friends and I were discussing attitudes of our young adult children. One of them mentioned there was a trend of “apology fantasy” filmmaking by younger directors. “Everything, Everywhere All at Once” being a recent example. It was just a conversation. I don’t quite understand the hostility in your question— are you unwell? Did the question strike a nerve? Are you going to have an episode?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

I think so. If their parents didn't want to procreate, young people wouldn't have a single problem to begin with. You bring other humans into this world without their consents, pass your subpar genes, do flawed parenting with your limited emotional and financial resources in a messed up world, the least you can do is to apologize. I'm only half kidding here, even the best of parents are literally the source of half of the problems kids face.

Wow. Speechless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

My children went to college and came back grateful, after comparing notes with their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do observe more discourse- largely on the internet about how parents' behavior harmed or did a disservice to their kids.

My theory is that it is a byproduct of the (very good) increasing focus on mental health and how interpersonal dynamics can affect mental health. We learn to identify things like trauma, and toxicity, and the like. The problem arises when that lens overtakes everything, and the concepts are applied to nonproblematic behavior. You see it happening on this board- people refer to "toxic" parents, gaslighting, narcissism, passive-aggressive, etc. No doubt, these things exist and can be harmful. But when imperfect parents doing their best who made some mistakes are labeled as causing "trauma" for their children, the whole thing breaks down.

I think we need to find a better way to categorise traumas and abuse because the stigma over those words are holding a lot of us back in fully embracing the process of healing. But the dynamic is real.

I’d argue that self-compassion is missing from the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

I think so. If their parents didn't want to procreate, young people wouldn't have a single problem to begin with. You bring other humans into this world without their consents, pass your subpar genes, do flawed parenting with your limited emotional and financial resources in a messed up world, the least you can do is to apologize. I'm only half kidding here, even the best of parents are literally the source of half of the problems kids face.

You joke but there actually is part of me that regrets having kids because DD’s life is so freaking hard. She has to work so hard to not let her mental and physical illnesses take over her life, and even with that she is still sad and in pain most of the time. It’s part genetics part her early childhood when I didn’t have the emotional regulation skills that I should have had, and then of course I’m always making mistakes. Sometimes I just think “was it really fair to create a being who has to suffer so much?”

But she’s not asking for an apology for being born though! And my other child loves his life and often thanks me for giving birth so at least there’s that.

Hugs to you for doing your best under difficult circumstances. You are an unsung everyday hero. This is not about making individuals feel bad but likely an effort to start the discussion in order to improve society's approach towards parenting and improving things which we can for future generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

Okay, so let's say you are working in a restaurant. You work 10-hour days, you go home and study techniques in your off time, you give your job your absolute all. But two weeks in, you're still cooking food that is inedible. Does the fact that you tried hard mean you escape accountability for your bad performance?

Obviously, *not* trying hard is worse than trying hard. But even if you're exhausted and doing everything you can, you're still going to make mistakes. That's just a fact of life. And doesn't make you a bad person! But when we mess up, others suffer, and it makes sense to me to take accountability, because these are our loved ones and we care about how they feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

Are you a social scientist researcher who has studied this question? Did you read this somewhere? Or are you just spouting some random observations based on a handful of young people in your orbit?

OP here. Friends and I were discussing attitudes of our young adult children. One of them mentioned there was a trend of “apology fantasy” filmmaking by younger directors. “Everything, Everywhere All at Once” being a recent example. It was just a conversation. I don’t quite understand the hostility in your question— are you unwell? Did the question strike a nerve? Are you going to have an episode?

Oh man, I'm not PP but this is really rude and it makes it seem like you aren't asking in good faith.