Today’s young adults want apologies from their parents; parents want a thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blaming parents comes from self-hate and low self esteem. People feel they suck for some reason but run from accountability like roaches from the light. It’s a psychological imperative to blame somebody else and parents are the poor suckers that were stuck raising them.

Stuck raising them? Having kids is a choice. Low self-esteem formed during childhood is due to nature or nurture. Both of those are the responsibility of the parents.

Grown up kids also have a choice. They can take responsibility for themselves or they can forever blame someone else for their adult choices that didn’t turn out so well.

[Anonymous]

I don’t want a Thank You from my adult kids (although they’ve both given it voluntarily). I do want them to own their own decisions and not blame luck or me for any bad decisions.

[Anonymous]

Has no one witnessed the last 5 years? Everyone wants an apology for everything. Apologies from white people, apologies from the government, apologies from men, apologies from women who’ve wronged said men, apologies from the CDC, there are not enough hours in the day to cover the amount of resentment currently churning in the US.

People are miserable, and instead of looking at themselves in the mirror, it’s easier to blame the schools, the teacher’s unions, the parents, the government, white people, institutions, anything but facing the reality of how you have failed as a human being and need to change. This will only get worse as people keep projecting all of their ills onto whatever their therapist told them. Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent and we have come full circle.

[Anonymous]

My parents were terrible parents. Their friends liked them so I guess they were decent as friends, but terrible as parents.

My siblings and I left at 18 and we had only short annual visits after that. Both my parents died these past 2 years. We don't miss them, but we are certainly glad they not suffer when they died. We siblings all parent very very differently from them -- in other words, lovingly. We learned from our parents how NOT to parent.

I regret my parents never apologized to me for their terrible parenting.

[Anonymous]

I’m 36 and overall have a great relationship with my parents. I was a very easy and ambitious kid. They for forced a couple things on me that to this day they still they were right or it helped me in some way. If I mention, it in fact was not helpful, they double down. Personally, I find this extremely ridiculous as they are telling me what my own personal life experience is. I don’t expect an apology, but also expect them to to insist I got some personal growth from certain experiences when I didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids do add lots of love and value to lives of parents but they do drain good parents, physically, emotionally and financially.

Without expenses of children, most upper middle class parents would be rich, middle class would be upper middle class and poor would be comfortable enough.

But that’s not the kids’ fault…they didn’t ask to be born. Parents brought this on themselves.

[Anonymous]

My son just turned 18 and I raised him on my own. Dad not in the picture. My parents etc not helpful.

I don’t think my son wants an apology from me. I don’t need a thank you It’s enough for me to know that he’s a mature responsible young adult who is in engineering school, has friends, and is still playing the violin in his school orchestra.

I’ve never been big on social media so he did not grow up with social media. I got rid of cable TV when he was 3 so he didn’t grow up with TV either. I travelled a few times a year internationally for work and brought him along since he was a toddler. I feel fortunate he was able to see the world before everything shut down 3 years ago.

I may sound immodest but there were many dark days early on that I didn’t know if I would get through. And also because my son also has adhd, I worried about whether he would make it to college. After all of those dark difficult times when I lost sleep due to worrying, I feel I’m allowed to say that I did an amazing job. I turned out a really great kid that I’m really proud of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

Every parent makes mistakes, our generation was conditioned to never question parents or their parenting. This generation isn't blindsided with enmeshed devotion. You can love the person yet criticize the actions or behaviors. Its not blasphemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have nothing to apologize for. I know they did their best. I am forever grateful.

Same. My parents did their best, which was truly, woefully lacking in a few specific areas, but I am very grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've heard people say that they resented their parents until they had kids, and then they realized how well their parents did because they realized how hard parenting is and they appreciated some of the stuff their parents did once they understand the context of what it means to be a parent. So maybe some of these very young kids will feel more grateful later.

However, this was not my experience. Having kids actually made me realize that my parents were much worse than I had allowed myself to believe before, and that my family was deeply dysfunctional. There are a lot of things I give my kid easily and happily that I never had as a child, because my parents were very emotionally immature and had no idea how to provide it. Stuff like a calm and loving home environment or the ability to listen to her talk about her life without criticizing/sarcasm/impatience/resentment.

I don't expect an apology but I definitely don't find myself getting more grateful as I get older and experience more parenting myself. Instead I've had to go into therapy to work through some of the memories from childhood that have come up as I parent, so that I can continue to be the best parent I can despite not having had much good parenting modeled for me.

I identify 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it a very bizarre concept that adult kids would want an apology for whatever they perceive their parents did wrong. A conversation about it, perhaps, but I believe most parents just do the best they can with what they have to work with. Are they supposed to apologize for being human, imperfect, and therefore a great disappointment to their kids?

It does make sense that the OP refers to young adults because I think almost 100% of everybody that becomes a parent themselves views this issue very differently than most non-parents.

This actually sounds comically childish to me. Like when you explain to a child that an apology would be appropriate in a situation, they will come back with "sorry I'm not perfect, sheesh, I guess I'm just a big disappointment."

I totally agree with apologizing to children when they are children and you make a mistake, and I have done it many times. What I don't get is an adult child rehashing what they perceive to have been parental mistakes in raising them and want an apology then. I'm not talking about clearly abuse or a similar situation for which the victim ought to get an apology from the perpetrator. I'm talking about adult kids who think their parents ought to apologize for not always knowing the right thing to say or do. I also do not think parents should ever expect their kids to thank them for having them or raising them.

If your child feels you made a mistake, then you’ve made a mistake.

Np I don’t know, it’s pretty petty these days. I’m 30 but I work and know people in their early/mid 20s and it seems like everything is a perceived trauma. And the complaints are honestly kind of ridiculous

I hear you, and I am also really tired of people deciding that because some petty trauma-calling exists, all trauma is petty. I was sexually abused by a parent and I dont' think anyone who knows the details would say my trauma is petty. And I get that isn't what you are saying, either, but know that comments like this can feel dismissive of those of us already traumaizing and unable to own that trauma because of the messed up situation we were raised in (and frankly, yes, retraumatizing) to some of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it a very bizarre concept that adult kids would want an apology for whatever they perceive their parents did wrong. A conversation about it, perhaps, but I believe most parents just do the best they can with what they have to work with. Are they supposed to apologize for being human, imperfect, and therefore a great disappointment to their kids?

It does make sense that the OP refers to young adults because I think almost 100% of everybody that becomes a parent themselves views this issue very differently than most non-parents.

This actually sounds comically childish to me. Like when you explain to a child that an apology would be appropriate in a situation, they will come back with "sorry I'm not perfect, sheesh, I guess I'm just a big disappointment."

I totally agree with apologizing to children when they are children and you make a mistake, and I have done it many times. What I don't get is an adult child rehashing what they perceive to have been parental mistakes in raising them and want an apology then. I'm not talking about clearly abuse or a similar situation for which the victim ought to get an apology from the perpetrator. I'm talking about adult kids who think their parents ought to apologize for not always knowing the right thing to say or do. I also do not think parents should ever expect their kids to thank them for having them or raising them.

If your child feels you made a mistake, then you’ve made a mistake.

Np I don’t know, it’s pretty petty these days. I’m 30 but I work and know people in their early/mid 20s and it seems like everything is a perceived trauma. And the complaints are honestly kind of ridiculous

I hear you, and I am also really tired of people deciding that because some petty trauma-calling exists, all trauma is petty. I was sexually abused by a parent and I dont' think anyone who knows the details would say my trauma is petty. And I get that isn't what you are saying, either, but know that comments like this can feel dismissive of those of us already traumaizing and unable to own that trauma because of the messed up situation we were raised in (and frankly, yes, retraumatizing) to some of us.

I doubt anyone is criticizing people with trauma or legit reasons, people are criticizing snow flake victim mindset.

[Anonymous]

If you cause harm, even inadvertently, you apologize. This isn't that hard, though apparently Gen X parents are losing their minds over it.

But also, children should never have to "thank" their parents for what? Having kids out of their own selfishness desires? I certainly appreciate all my parents did and still do for me, and thank them for that because I love them, but I don't think I'd feel that way if they seemed to be doing it for the reward of a lavish thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it a very bizarre concept that adult kids would want an apology for whatever they perceive their parents did wrong. A conversation about it, perhaps, but I believe most parents just do the best they can with what they have to work with. Are they supposed to apologize for being human, imperfect, and therefore a great disappointment to their kids?

It does make sense that the OP refers to young adults because I think almost 100% of everybody that becomes a parent themselves views this issue very differently than most non-parents.

This actually sounds comically childish to me. Like when you explain to a child that an apology would be appropriate in a situation, they will come back with "sorry I'm not perfect, sheesh, I guess I'm just a big disappointment."

I totally agree with apologizing to children when they are children and you make a mistake, and I have done it many times. What I don't get is an adult child rehashing what they perceive to have been parental mistakes in raising them and want an apology then. I'm not talking about clearly abuse or a similar situation for which the victim ought to get an apology from the perpetrator. I'm talking about adult kids who think their parents ought to apologize for not always knowing the right thing to say or do. I also do not think parents should ever expect their kids to thank them for having them or raising them.

If your child feels you made a mistake, then you’ve made a mistake.

Np I don’t know, it’s pretty petty these days. I’m 30 but I work and know people in their early/mid 20s and it seems like everything is a perceived trauma. And the complaints are honestly kind of ridiculous

I hear you, and I am also really tired of people deciding that because some petty trauma-calling exists, all trauma is petty. I was sexually abused by a parent and I dont' think anyone who knows the details would say my trauma is petty. And I get that isn't what you are saying, either, but know that comments like this can feel dismissive of those of us already traumaizing and unable to own that trauma because of the messed up situation we were raised in (and frankly, yes, retraumatizing) to some of us.

I doubt anyone is criticizing people with trauma or legit reasons, people are criticizing snow flake victim mindset.

I am the person you are quoting, and I completely agree- intellectually.

The thing is that a lot of people with "real" trauma can hear those criticizing the snowflakes you mention as including them. I know that isn't what you are saying. But by definition people who are traumatized listen in a different (and yes, warped) way.

I am suggesting that calling a large group of people snowflakes can have unintended and hurtful consequences, even if that's not really technically your fault.