Found husband drunk texting women on Tinder, again

[Anonymous]

If you have kids, talk to him and see if he'll get help. Its worth a shot to salvage the marriage. If you don't have kids, I'd get out now. You are young enough to move on and start a new life with someone without these problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my sister. They survived. It was an alcohol problem more than anything else. The question is, what do you want? My sister wanted to keep her family together and thought he was worth it when sober (and he wanted to get sober). But she wasn't willing to give him unlimited chances. He's sober a few years now, but if he relapsed, I'm not sure they'd make it a second time. Up to you if your DH is worth it.

This is always the fairy tale people want. I found something similar with my DH - texting other women. I was 34 and we had a kid together. He said he regretted it, promised to do counseling, stop drinking, etc. Said it was “only” this kind of affair and then described to me something that was less transgressive than what he actually did. Fast forward 2.5 years and I caught him again and kicked him out. That was 2.5 years of my life, wasted, painful and traumatized, that I’ll never get back. Would have been easier to leave when the kid was 2.5 y.o. rather than 5. Negatively affected my career and earning.

Just leave now (or when your divorce attorney advises and you have everything ready). Drunk and contacting women is enough. No one - neither parents nor kids - should have to live in an environment that lacks safety and stability.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

If not, leave immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my sister. They survived. It was an alcohol problem more than anything else. The question is, what do you want? My sister wanted to keep her family together and thought he was worth it when sober (and he wanted to get sober). But she wasn't willing to give him unlimited chances. He's sober a few years now, but if he relapsed, I'm not sure they'd make it a second time. Up to you if your DH is worth it.

This is always the fairy tale people want. I found something similar with my DH - texting other women. I was 34 and we had a kid together. He said he regretted it, promised to do counseling, stop drinking, etc. Said it was “only” this kind of affair and then described to me something that was less transgressive than what he actually did. Fast forward 2.5 years and I caught him again and kicked him out. That was 2.5 years of my life, wasted, painful and traumatized, that I’ll never get back. Would have been easier to leave when the kid was 2.5 y.o. rather than 5. Negatively affected my career and earning.

Just leave now (or when your divorce attorney advises and you have everything ready). Drunk and contacting women is enough. No one - neither parents nor kids - should have to live in an environment that lacks safety and stability.

Similar thing here. Drunk texting the old HS gf (hello, cliche). Begged for forgiveness, blamed alcohol. Same thing a few years later, same promises. It is a cycle that will repeat unless he truly gets sober with professional help. That is where we are today - sober with professional help. But I had to make clear where I stood - and I saw a lawyer, concentrated on my career and support system, hardened my heart, etc.

[Anonymous]

This is DCUM so you know the answer: divorce. It solves all problems and never leads to new ones.

[Anonymous]

JFC. I'll remember this thread next time I get annoyed with my DH leaving beard hairs in the sink!

[Anonymous]

The reasons he is drinking are the problem, those won't go away if he quits drinking. New addictions may take its place.

Can you make a choice for you? Just you are your priority right now. What do you choose for you? What sort of life and partnership do you want?

Some go, some stay. If you go, in a few years, do you think you eould regret it? My guess is no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is DCUM so you know the answer: divorce. It solves all problems and never leads to new ones.

divorce usually solves having to live with the ahole spouse problem, though. Sure, it could open up other problems, but sometimes the new problem is easier to manage and handle than the ahole spouse problem.

What's your solution? Keep letting your spouse cheat on you? You seem like you have a problem, yourself.

[Anonymous]

Maybe start by discussing if he's willing to delete Tinder from his phone. Your situation might be beyond repair as others are saying here, but if you'd like to work things out this could be the first step.

[Anonymous]

I’m married to an alcoholic. He’s been in recovery almost 2 years, but there have been slip ups, a significant relapse, and some gambling and other addictive behaviors during that period. Spending money, not other women. We have very young children.

I love him, I care about him, I want him to succeed, and I appreciate that he continues to work on his recovery. We’ve been in counseling for 2 years and things have gotten much better, but we are still in counseling and it feels like there is still a long way to go to get to where we’d be ready to stop. We are each in individual therapy as well.

One big thing that is a recurrent issue is the lying and lack of trust. Addicts lie. It’s part of their personality. They don’t just stop with sobriety.

I do love him, but I am only staying because we have small children, and I will never be free of him even if we divorced. It is in my kids best interest that I continue to work with him on our relationship and support his recovery. Now that they’re young I need to keep them physically safe in case of relapse (he has driven drunk with them in the car, and will pass out without feeding them dinner, or sleep through a smoke alarm). Even if we split when they’re older, I think he’ll be a better father and more likely to stay sober based on the work he’s doing now. But without kids, I would have left a long time ago.

Maybe your DH isn’t an addict, OP, but he’s shown you he is a liar and a cheater. He is not likely to change his stripes. Get out of this marriage.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I’m realizing he has a serial addiction problem whether it is alcohol or sexting other women or cheating. He has given up alcohol for the most part but when he has one drink he cannot seem to stop and every time he is drinking heavily he winds up on Tinder sexting random women. The other weird thing is, he has a woman who is a friend of his family that he has known his he was a kid. She is a hot mess. College drop out, unemployed, heavy into party culture. She is mentally unstable and is a curvy suggestively dressed woman with no boundaries. Over the years I have found him wedding her when he is drunk. To my knowledge they have never hooked up as that would create a huge family drama for his and her family. But similar to her all the women he messages are big and curvy with a trashy look to them. I’m petite and small and preppy-looking. I don’t even think he’s attracted to me or that I am his type
I’m ranting. I’ve been up all night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m realizing he has a serial addiction problem whether it is alcohol or sexting other women or cheating. He has given up alcohol for the most part but when he has one drink he cannot seem to stop and every time he is drinking heavily he winds up on Tinder sexting random women. The other weird thing is, he has a woman who is a friend of his family that he has known his he was a kid. She is a hot mess. College drop out, unemployed, heavy into party culture. She is mentally unstable and is a curvy suggestively dressed woman with no boundaries. Over the years I have found him wedding her when he is drunk. To my knowledge they have never hooked up as that would create a huge family drama for his and her family. But similar to her all the women he messages are big and curvy with a trashy look to them. I’m petite and small and preppy-looking. I don’t even think he’s attracted to me or that I am his type
I’m ranting. I’ve been up all night.

You gave us all the information except the piece that matters: do you have kids with this man?

[Anonymous]

Discernment counseling. Make it feel like his decision that you’re divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m realizing he has a serial addiction problem whether it is alcohol or sexting other women or cheating. He has given up alcohol for the most part but when he has one drink he cannot seem to stop and every time he is drinking heavily he winds up on Tinder sexting random women. The other weird thing is, he has a woman who is a friend of his family that he has known his he was a kid. She is a hot mess. College drop out, unemployed, heavy into party culture. She is mentally unstable and is a curvy suggestively dressed woman with no boundaries. Over the years I have found him wedding her when he is drunk. To my knowledge they have never hooked up as that would create a huge family drama for his and her family. But similar to her all the women he messages are big and curvy with a trashy look to them. I’m petite and small and preppy-looking. I don’t even think he’s attracted to me or that I am his type
I’m ranting. I’ve been up all night.

You gave us all the information except the piece that matters: do you have kids with this man?

No. Was hoping to TTC.

[Anonymous]

You want to conceive with a man like that?