Dealing with your Ex-Spouses New Girlfriend or Boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you last three posters. I appreciate these comments. I was beginning to think I was mean and nasty And I am seeing a therapist and I am getting little better each week.

You are not at all mean and nasty- and no person who had been in your shoes would ever say you were. Hugs OP

Are you joking? Because this:

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

Was very mean and very nasty.

Okay snowflake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

NP. I read your original post and your question was answered with perfect advice..

You are still angry with your ex and you hate that he is moving on with his life and you aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made that comment because your response was in fact non-responsive. I had to go back and read my question because I thought I had framed it incorrectly. I was not trying to be nasty. I am genuinely trying to see if my feelings were something others felt. And PP, I assume my ex-husband wanted to leave for his vacation and he didn't want to be inconvenienced by waiting for the nanny.

For something you did not intend, you were remarkably successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

NP. I read your original post and your question was answered with perfect advice..

You are still angry with your ex and you hate that he is moving on with his life and you aren't.

Look, I wouldn’t tell someone their reply to my thread was non responsive (I guess OP is a lawyer?), but the first reply definitely wasn’t perfect advice. OP is asking how to deal with the feelings she has and the reply was to avoid badmouthing the gf. I agree she shouldn’t badmouth the new gf, but that’s not advice about how to deal with her feelings, that’s just general advice on how she should behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

NP. I read your original post and your question was answered with perfect advice..

You are still angry with your ex and you hate that he is moving on with his life and you aren't.

Look, I wouldn’t tell someone their reply to my thread was non responsive (I guess OP is a lawyer?), but the first reply definitely wasn’t perfect advice. OP is asking how to deal with the feelings she has and the reply was to avoid badmouthing the gf. I agree she shouldn’t badmouth the new gf, but that’s not advice about how to deal with her feelings, that’s just general advice on how she should behave.

No actually, the first response had solid advice. Learned/practiced behaviors CAN affect feelings. If OP learns to behave in a neutral way, she will eventually FEEL neutral about her exDH moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

NP. I read your original post and your question was answered with perfect advice..

You are still angry with your ex and you hate that he is moving on with his life and you aren't.

Look, I wouldn’t tell someone their reply to my thread was non responsive (I guess OP is a lawyer?), but the first reply definitely wasn’t perfect advice. OP is asking how to deal with the feelings she has and the reply was to avoid badmouthing the gf. I agree she shouldn’t badmouth the new gf, but that’s not advice about how to deal with her feelings, that’s just general advice on how she should behave.

No actually, the first response had solid advice. Learned/practiced behaviors CAN affect feelings. If OP learns to behave in a neutral way, she will eventually FEEL neutral about her exDH moving on.

If your theory is that acting like you don’t have these feelings will make the feelings go away (fake it ‘til you make it), then that would address the question OP asked, but that’s not what was originally posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced from my husband for over a year. Recently, he started bringing his girlfriend around our kids all the time. She is watching them when he is unavailable. And attending high school events as well. I have no respect for my ex-husband and our marriage did not end on great terms. We do not co-parent; we parallel parent.

I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

Are you available during those times? Do you have right of first refusal? If so, you should excersize it.

I've only had to deal with this briefly (divorced this year, ex immediately (or perhaps before the divorce) started a relationship). I ended up feeling mostly ok when she was around dc-dc tended to be cleaner and better dressed LOL when they came home to me. Plus ex was putting on him 'normal good guy' act for her so it benefitted my dc. But dc always prefers me, never the gf. Unfortunately, ex broke up with her...I was disappointed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you last three posters. I appreciate these comments. I was beginning to think I was mean and nasty And I am seeing a therapist and I am getting little better each week.

You are not at all mean and nasty- and no person who had been in your shoes would ever say you were. Hugs OP

Are you joking? Because this:

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

Was very mean and very nasty.

+1. Especially since that poster gave her great advice.

[Anonymous]

What exactly makes you “uncomfortable” and “anxious” about this woman? Just that she’s a woman and you think your teenagers may enjoy her company more than yours? If these are just jealousy feelings, they’re probably normal, but should fade.

[Anonymous]

Op, as someone living with a divorced dad, I think your fears are unfounded. I mean I think they are normal as I’ve heard other divorced moms say the same. But your fears just aren’t realistic.

You are their mom. Her presence will never take that away. You will always have that more important connection with the kids. She is just an extra person in their life who will hopefully be nice and caring. But she’s on a different plane. You’re mom. She’s dads girlfriend or wife. You have different roles. You are not in competition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

NP. I read your original post and your question was answered with perfect advice..

You are still angry with your ex and you hate that he is moving on with his life and you aren't.

Look, I wouldn’t tell someone their reply to my thread was non responsive (I guess OP is a lawyer?), but the first reply definitely wasn’t perfect advice. OP is asking how to deal with the feelings she has and the reply was to avoid badmouthing the gf. I agree she shouldn’t badmouth the new gf, but that’s not advice about how to deal with her feelings, that’s just general advice on how she should behave.

No actually, the first response had solid advice. Learned/practiced behaviors CAN affect feelings. If OP learns to behave in a neutral way, she will eventually FEEL neutral about her exDH moving on.

This. No need for OP to have been so nasty about a good faith effort to help.

[Anonymous]

I don't even know how to respond to this comment "You are still angry with your ex and you hate that he is moving on with his life and you aren't." You have no idea whether I have moved on with my life or not.

To everyone else, thanks for your insight and feedback. I appreciate learning that my feelings are valid.

[Anonymous]

I never personally struggled with this because I saw it as a blessing for my ex to get a new woman in his life so he could leave. me. alone.

I also have no reason to believe she harms the kids in any way, so it doesn't affect me.

I recommend therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP is nasty AF. No wonder he divorced her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

It is hard, but you have to frame this in your mind much like you do any other adult who has a leadership position for your children. You don't get to pick the teacher for your children at school, the school does. If your child goes to a week long day camp or sleepaway camp, you don't get to pick the counselors. If your kid is on a travel sports team, you don't get to pick the coach or the chaperones. If your kids attend any event that you are not present for, then you have to trust the adults that are selected by someone else will take care of your children.

In everyone of these situations, you may be lucky and find you really like the adults that are supervising your children's activities. But you might be unlucky to find that you don't like the adult that is supervising your children. You have to decide whether it is worthwhile to keep your child involved in the activity or pull them. But, in many of these cases, it can be very difficult to extract them, so you have to weight the pros and cons of leaving them in the activity vs pulling them. Say you want to pull them from a sports team, but they really, really want to play that sport and there isn't another team around you can join. What if the kids are wiling to put up with the behavior that bothers you? Or say you drop them off at a sleepaway camp, but it's a couple of hours drive away and you have a bad feeling about the counselors that were checking people in? Do you take them home? Leave them?

As an adult and a parent, you have to analyze all of the pros and cons of every situation and how to handle situations, including ones that you are not completely happy with. Treat this like a situation where you are not happy with the guidance/adults/supervision of your children's event, but you decide that it is better to leave your children in this event/activity. You grit your teeth and bear it and hope that you've done what's best for your children. You also try not to rock the boat too much, by complaining too much, because you know that that might only make the situation even more uncomfortable for your children. Like if you complain too much to a sports team coach and become "that parent" it might have repercussions for your child, like then being benched more or less playing time.

Your reactions are human, but try to make sure that you let your ex parent and date and you be as supportive of your children as possible. Make sure to talk to them and let them know any concerns they have about time they spend with their father. Do not mention his new girlfriend, just keep the comments about their time with their father generic.