Dealing with your Ex-Spouses New Girlfriend or Boyfriend

[Anonymous]

It’s normal to feel this way in the beginning. At some point those feelings will fade. Once you start healing and get further away from the emotion surrounding the dissolution of the marriage you won’t be as bothered by it. You divorced for a reason. Keep that reason at the forefront of your mind.

My XH remarried shortly after our divorce was finalized. I have had very little contact with her over the years but early on, when we are at the same event for the kids, she seemed to be more uncomfortable with me than I was with her. It took about two years to be emotionally free and since then I can honestly say I’m not at all bothered by whatever my XH is doing. His wife is very nice. I heard awhile back he and the new wife were divorcing but it’s not my monkey or my circus.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are valid, I am not divorced but I imagine I would have similar feelings. My kids are very young so the thought of giving up my time so that some stranger can hang out with them makes me sick to my stomach.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised everyone is convinced the kids can’t possibly prefer being around dad and the new girlfriend. I’ve known several cases where that happened (and some where it didn’t). I don’t know that assuring OP her fears are completely unfounded because this can’t possibly happen is the best advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised everyone is convinced the kids can’t possibly prefer being around dad and the new girlfriend. I’ve known several cases where that happened (and some where it didn’t). I don’t know that assuring OP her fears are completely unfounded because this can’t possibly happen is the best advice.

The kids could prefer it, or the kids could get along with the girlfriend or new stepmom but that person normally doesn’t take the place of the mother. My son adores his stepmom. His relationship with her doesn’t impact his relationship with me. And I don’t have any issues with his stepmom being another caring adult in his life. I’m happy his stepmom has such a great relationship with him. Because the alternative could be a horrible person who drives a wedge between he and his father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced from my husband for over a year. Recently, he started bringing his girlfriend around our kids all the time. She is watching them when he is unavailable. And attending high school events as well. I have no respect for my ex-husband and our marriage did not end on great terms. We do not co-parent; we parallel parent.

I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

You sound nasty. Is it ok you date and not him? You are divorced, she is "new" so it wasn't an affair. Grow up and be supportive. Change your behavior so you both can better co-parent and try to work with him. You need to be cordial but not friends.

NP and you sound nasty PP. She never said that it wasn't allowed - it is OF COURSE an entirely reasonable feeling and human nature to be uncomfortable about someone you don't know and didn't pick spending so much time around your kids and influencing the way they are raised. OP - don't fight the feeling (as in don't try to force yourself to not feel this way, no one likes being in this situation)...but work on rising above it with a therapist. It'll get easier over time most likely assuming the girlfriend isn't an awful person or undermining you. And if she is an awful person or undermining you, it'll still have paid off to find the behaviors to rise above and have as productive of relationship as possible with her so that you're close the situation.

Also for your worry - they might see her as the new shiny penny, just like they might with the fun aunt / friends mom that seems way cooler / whoever. But in those situations you know that you still hold the singular place of mom, even if its "boring old mom who enforces the rules and doesn't take us on random shopping sprees" and that trumps all the potential shiny pennies out there

+1 OP, this poster is so right!

[Anonymous]

Ex-h would not have his current gf drive DC to school events and be the representative adult in those situations - if he couldn't attend but it was an event during his week with DC we would've worked that out ahead of time and I would take DC.

It doesn't sound like you are able to talk to ex-h about the situation and how it makes you feel OP but if you can then I'd say to do that. I understand why you would be uncomfortable in the current situation but know that the kids will not see her as the shiny new penny - no one can take the place of mom or dad. My partner is great and has an amazing relationship with DC but he's not my DC's dad and we all know it (ex-h, DC, my partner and me) we're all on the same page. There is mom and dad and then there is everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Oof, I know this one too well. Take the high road. Be polite. Don't lose your sh*t (like me). I lost it when ex-h let a new gf take my daughter shopping for her first bra. They dated less than 6 months. I recently lost it when the new (<1 yr of dating) gf posted online for National Daughters Day (whatever that is). She posted pics of MY kids, and a long sappy post about being there when they have their first breakups, and learning to drive. And a bunch of other over the top mom stuff. I completely lost it on ex-h. Not proud of myself. Anyway, be nice, polite, collected. You are the mom. Nobody can replace you. Ever. It's going to be ok. The supply of love is not finite. Your kids can love the gf, and love you, their father, etc. Having another caring, stable adult role model for them is not a bad thing. My kids can now come home and tell me how much they love the gf, or how fun she is, or whatever. It doesn't mean they love me less. This is hands down the hardest part of divorce for me - losing time with my kids, and having to "share" my mom role in any manner. It sucks. Hopefully your ex chooses a decent gf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you last three posters. I appreciate these comments. I was beginning to think I was mean and nasty And I am seeing a therapist and I am getting little better each week.

You are not at all mean and nasty- and no person who had been in your shoes would ever say you were. Hugs OP

Are you joking? Because this:

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

Was very mean and very nasty.

+1. Especially since that poster gave her great advice.

And since OP didn’t even use a question mark in her post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

NP. No. She answered your question but you are still in love with your ex and jealous of his GF. Follow PP advice before you do permanent damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are the kids with dad when they're not with dad? Does he want less time with them?

This. Can you revisit custody if he's leaving them with her? Is that in your agreement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised everyone is convinced the kids can’t possibly prefer being around dad and the new girlfriend. I’ve known several cases where that happened (and some where it didn’t). I don’t know that assuring OP her fears are completely unfounded because this can’t possibly happen is the best advice.

The kids could prefer it, or the kids could get along with the girlfriend or new stepmom but that person normally doesn’t take the place of the mother. My son adores his stepmom. His relationship with her doesn’t impact his relationship with me. And I don’t have any issues with his stepmom being another caring adult in his life. I’m happy his stepmom has such a great relationship with him. Because the alternative could be a horrible person who drives a wedge between he and his father.

This. I actually think my stepkids prefer our house because their dad, my husband, is more permissive. I’d be stricter but I’ve decided to avoid disciplining them since I’m just the step. But I’m not their mom. Their mom will always be their mom, even if at the moment they seem to prefer being at our house (we make them stick to the fifty fifty tho). And even though the grumble about her, I’m sure they’ll appreciate her as their mom when they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced from my husband for over a year. Recently, he started bringing his girlfriend around our kids all the time. She is watching them when he is unavailable. And attending high school events as well. I have no respect for my ex-husband and our marriage did not end on great terms. We do not co-parent; we parallel parent.

I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

I was never comfortable with it because he was mentally ill and most of the women he dated were also mentally ill or had some other issue that created unnecessary drama. He was also briefly remarried. That lasted shy of a year, but they had a really nasty divorce that she tried to drag me into although just months earlier she paid for a lawyer so he could try to get out of paying CS. I remained nervous about his dating partners until he died unexpectedly.

As for your other question. You won’t be replaced. It’s okay to be boring mom because the most important part of that title is mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel this way in the beginning. At some point those feelings will fade. Once you start healing and get further away from the emotion surrounding the dissolution of the marriage you won’t be as bothered by it. You divorced for a reason. Keep that reason at the forefront of your mind.

My XH remarried shortly after our divorce was finalized. I have had very little contact with her over the years but early on, when we are at the same event for the kids, she seemed to be more uncomfortable with me than I was with her. It took about two years to be emotionally free and since then I can honestly say I’m not at all bothered by whatever my XH is doing. His wife is very nice. I heard awhile back he and the new wife were divorcing but it’s not my monkey or my circus.

Your "monkey and circus" are beyond stale. Find a new stupid phrase.

[Anonymous]

I was very gratefiul for new gf. Stabilizing influence on my ex who is an “uncle dad”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced from my husband for over a year. Recently, he started bringing his girlfriend around our kids all the time. She is watching them when he is unavailable. And attending high school events as well. I have no respect for my ex-husband and our marriage did not end on great terms. We do not co-parent; we parallel parent.

I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

I was never comfortable with it because he was mentally ill and most of the women he dated were also mentally ill or had some other issue that created unnecessary drama. He was also briefly remarried. That lasted shy of a year, but they had a really nasty divorce that she tried to drag me into although just months earlier she paid for a lawyer so he could try to get out of paying CS. I remained nervous about his dating partners until he died unexpectedly.

As for your other question. You won’t be replaced. It’s okay to be boring mom because the most important part of that title is mom.

If "most" of his girlfriend's were mentally ill what makes you were the exception,? People are attracted to the same type of people.