OP, if I knew you in real life and was considering a close friendship and I found out you are so desperate to be closer you would put someone in a awkward position, I would back away. This whole idea of being ignored and you must not ignore me and people must confront me and tell me they don't want to hang out...is well creepy. Friendships are enjoyable and breezy. If she really wanted to take it to another level she would have let you know, but at least saying it's not a good time, but she would love in a few weeks. Leave her alone. Don't make her afraid to hang out with you in a group. |
OP, most women this age have quite terrible health issues, eldercare issues, adult kids not fledging issues, marital woes, financial woes happening in the last few years. I mean most people are a mess. You meet them and realize that they all have aged a whole lot in the past three years.
I have recently started entertaining again and I have no issues having people attending my events at all. I also take care in maintaining good relationships, being helpful and taking care while organizing events to make it special and make my guests feel special. I am quite certain that my lavish spread of food and drinks make my guests feel welcome. |
I don't enjoy being around people that judge others, that's what you are doing. |
OP here. I can see what you're saying but this seems to be the story of my life since we moved to this small town. If she were the only person to behave like this I wouldn't give it another thought, but it has happened before, here, in this community. My husband and I used to live in a large cosmopolitan city before we moved here and I can honestly say that I never had difficulties socializing or making friends there. Our social calendar was a lot busier then. Admittedly we ànd our friends from back in the day were all a lot younger then (this was 15-20 years ago) so age may have something to do with it. |
Regardless of the reason, you cannot bully someone into being your friend. No one owes you an explanation about why they choose to keep their distance from you; it’s extremely self-centered and dramatic of you to expect otherwise. It may be that you have happened into an extremely insular community — surely you must have realized the social scene would be different in a small town than a big city. Or maybe it’s you. A huge confrontation will just make things more awkward, not less. |
+1 The time to use this tactic is over with this particular person. Maybe use it if you want to ask someone else in the future. You will come off as nuts if you say anything at all to the person who already chose to ignore you. Don't ruin things with the circle of acquaintances you DO have. |
Yeah you've got to let them ask you at this stage - unless you're inviting them over for a dinner party or something. Move on to other friend prospects. Ignore your husband - he is giving you bad advice even if he's trying to be supportive. |
OP. To tell you the truth, when we were moving here, I thought making friends in a small town would be super easy. We moved from a city with a population of millions to a small, semi-rural town with a population of about 20,000. There are farms 15 minutes away from our house. It's a nice and pleasant place to live, it's pretty, clean and safe, low crime. People are friendly and say hello to strangers. But it is quite insular in a way. A lot of people seem to be in established friends groups already. Making casual acquaintances here is easy but transitioning from acquaintance to 'friend' and then to close friend is hard. I wouldn't know who to call in a crisis. I'm not close enough to anyone. I'm still the same person. My husband and I have friends in different towns and even different countries. We've never found it hard to socialize until we moved here (despite the very friendly character of the town). |
I have a good number of friends and wouldn't call them in a crisis. We are all knee deep in elderly parent issues, raising kids,dealing with health issues in the family. I can't imagine a crisis where I would just hire help so I don't burden my friends. My life is often crisis to crisis between elder emergencies, deaths and my family I created. Are you the same person living in a small town who posts complaining you aren't close to any extended family and you are worried who will look out for you as you age? I think that person complained about not having close friends too. |
I ghosted an MLM pusher but I don't ghost anyone else |
OP, it sounds like you're in a group situation and naturally expected to develop a couple friendships from this, true friendships. Some of these groups never seem to have this a goal. I don't understand it either. For me, it's the only reason to have group social events. There does seem to be these other women in the world who prefer/only want socializing in a group. |
OP I’m in a similar situation as you but younger. Also have never had issues making friends or having social plans. Except now I do. I have given up on my social life and moved onto other things. I have booked a few ski trips this winter and have a luxury vacation in the spring. I enjoy my pretty home and our property. We go on a lot of neighborhood walks. I have accepted this is how it’s going to be and have no expectations for making close friends. |
Do NOT bring this up at the group dinner. |
Have you led a pretty charmed life OP? I ask because many of my close friendships at this stage have formed around stressors-raising a child with special needs, eldercare issues with a challenging parent, bonding over husband's health issues.
I had perfectly nice acquiescence who tried to become closer to me and complained she has no close friends. I like her a lot, but there is no depth and she cannot even fathom or have empathy for the life challenges many of us face. She will spend all of coffee time talking about how her daughter may drop pre-med and got the scientist route instead and they really had their hearts set on her being a doctor. Then there is her mother, who even she admits is the kindest and gentlest soul-she always thanks them for visiting and tells her how proud she is of her and her children. Truly am happy for her, but quite a few of us have a sh&tshow going on where we basically face verbal and emotional abuse being there for mom. This woman literally assumed people who complain must just be bad daughters. She just lives in an easy life bubble, yet the smallest set back sets her off and she obsess to you over somehow not texting back and it's only been 24 hours. OP my life is filled to the brim with real life stressors. If I don't hear from someone I assume their life is like this too or there was an emergency or she is busy or we just don't click in her book. I then get some emergency call that mom fell or my kid has to be taken to the ER or whatever and I don't have time to plot and plan cornering someone at a social gathering because she didn't want to do coffee. My friends don't deserve that, even the ones who are just light friends. If they bring me joy I am grateful. |
This is OP. I am not going to bring it up at the group dinner. The dinner is happening on the occasion of another friend's birthday so it wouldn't be the right place nor the time. It was my husband's suggestion anyway. He favours a more direct approach with people, just like he was telling me to ring people instead of sending texts. I, on the other hand, prefer texting first because I don't want to disturb people when they're at work, or driving, or doing chores or whatever. They can read my text in their own time and respond. Or not. |