Why do some middle aged women ghost each other?

[Anonymous]

I thought this was more common among younger people or teens.

I'm 54 and I've been trying to form a closer bond with a few local women I already knew as friendly acquaintances. I've been trying to organize coffee dates with them separately (they don't know each other) but I haven't been successful. I've sent them a few WhatsApp messages over the last 6 months (which they've read) but they never responded. Complete radio silence. Not even a 'thanks but no thanks'. Just ... nothing.

One woman is 62, she's been an acquaintance of ours for many years, the other is early 50s, we've known her for almost 2 years, also as an acquaintance. Both women live a 5 to 10 minutes walk away.

I don't bombard people with texts or messages.

If they don't wish to spend time with me for whatever reason, why can't they at least reply. It's just rude.

Forming close friendships in middle age is hard.

[Anonymous]

You’re admitting that you are angling to form a closer bond. They may sense that pressure. They may not want that.

Close friendships happen organically, or not at all. Enjoy people for who an what they are—whether that is a friendly neighbor, a friend you sometimes see at book club, or a lifelong close friend.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, but I’d move on from these women. They don’t seem to want to put the effort into being friends with you. Maybe they are busy. Maybe they don’t like you. Maybe they still are not socializing much due to COVID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re admitting that you are angling to form a closer bond. They may sense that pressure. They may not want that.

Close friendships happen organically, or not at all. Enjoy people for who an what they are—whether that is a friendly neighbor, a friend you sometimes see at book club, or a lifelong close friend.

It gets tiring and tiresome when it happens again and again. It feels like no one has space or time for an extra friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, but I’d move on from these women. They don’t seem to want to put the effort into being friends with you. Maybe they are busy. Maybe they don’t like you. Maybe they still are not socializing much due to COVID.

Possibly. But they should be polite enough to respond even just to say they are busy or it wouldn't work for them. A reply, however disappointing, is better than nothing.

Being ignored multiple times without an explanation is hurtful and demoralizing.

The 62-year old lady I referred to is definitely socializing.

No one is so busy they can't write a reply to a text in 6 months.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would move on to other women. For me, anyway, the move from acquaintance to friend happens rather quickly, like a couple weeks. It would be strange, for me, to make someone a friend if they had been in acquaintance status for a long time. Only exception, for me, was a woman 20 years older. For that friendship I needed to mature a little to appreciate her friendship overtures and that age didn't matter.

[Anonymous]

OP, think of all the pathetic posts on DCUM of women incapable of having a conversation, so many posts of, " ... what should I say?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, think of all the pathetic posts on DCUM of women incapable of having a conversation, so many posts of, " ... what should I say?"

I know. The 2 women I was hoping to be closer friends with are educated women. One has a maths degree and the other works at a university (in an administrative role).
I am baffled by their appaling social skills.

I also wondered if making friends in middle age is harder in a small town. We live in a small town and although people here are very friendly, it feels like many women my age range (mid 50s, early 60s) are already in well established friendship circles and they're not looking for new friends.

I initially was hoping to maximize the friendships with the people I already know in our community but after their lack of response guess I will have to join hobby groups or social groups to meet new people.

[Anonymous]

I don't ghost people but I'm tired of meeting people and having them move away or turn out to be a-holes. So I don't put any effort towards hanging out with new people right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, think of all the pathetic posts on DCUM of women incapable of having a conversation, so many posts of, " ... what should I say?"

I know. The 2 women I was hoping to be closer friends with are educated women. One has a maths degree and the other works at a university (in an administrative role).
I am baffled by their appaling social skills.

I also wondered if making friends in middle age is harder in a small town. We live in a small town and although people here are very friendly, it feels like many women my age range (mid 50s, early 60s) are already in well established friendship circles and they're not looking for new friends.

I initially was hoping to maximize the friendships with the people I already know in our community but after their lack of response guess I will have to join hobby groups or social groups to meet new people.

NP. If they don't want to spend time with you, is not responding really more "appalling" than being truthful. "Thank you for the invitation Larla, but I really don't want to have coffee with you."

Yes, they could say "Sorry, I'm busy!" but then you'll just keep asking.

Consider it a gentle let down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re admitting that you are angling to form a closer bond. They may sense that pressure. They may not want that.

Close friendships happen organically, or not at all. Enjoy people for who an what they are—whether that is a friendly neighbor, a friend you sometimes see at book club, or a lifelong close friend.

It gets tiring and tiresome when it happens again and again. It feels like no one has space or time for an extra friend.

Don't give up! Join a Meetup group -- those are people you KNOW want to be involved with others.

Those other women don't know what to do -- they don't want to make up an excuse, because then you'll just ask another time, and they don't want to say "No, I really don't want to go to coffee one-on-one with you" either. Also if they're older (no offense) maybe they don't realize you can see that they've read the messages? I agree that not responding is rude. They are not your friends. Just move on.

[Anonymous]

You just don't know what's going on in their lives. I met someone new to my neighborhood and we quickly went out for lunch and started texting a bunch - then my mother had a serious health problem, my nephew was diagnosed with a rare fatal condition, I got slammed with work, and I just didn't have the bandwidth to nurture this relationship.

About six months later I did reach out to this person and she basically said that I had flaked on her and thanks but no thanks to getting together again. One the one hand, I guess good for her for knowing what she wants - on the other, seemed like a fairly nasty way to behave toward someone she doesn't even really know, who was going through things she has no idea about.

Just to say: people might just be dealing with some stuff and not have the bandwidth for a new friendship right now. I think the other PPs are right that your best bet is to try to meet other people. Join a club, join a FB group for foodies and put up a broad invitation to have a group dinner (we made friends with people in a local foodie group when we were new to town - in middle age). You have to treat friendship like dating, basically - cast a wide net, try not to get too hung up on any one person, go out on a lot of first dates and see what sticks, etc.

[Anonymous]

For me, if I'm non-responsive it's usually because the message comes in when I feel completely overwhelmed with life. I have good intentions but don't answer then get into a guilt spiral because I know I was rude. If it's someone I know and trust, I will apologize and reach out, but with new people I sometimes just avoid. I also have trouble with open-ended, let's get together invites. For me a specific date and time is easier because I can just say yes or no vs having someone reach out and then I'm the one who has to actually make the plan for when we get together. I have a friend who wasn't working and would say "I'm free anytime except for Thurs from 2-4" It was so hard for me. Now that she's working again she will give me a couple blocks of time and I can pick one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re admitting that you are angling to form a closer bond. They may sense that pressure. They may not want that.

Close friendships happen organically, or not at all. Enjoy people for who an what they are—whether that is a friendly neighbor, a friend you sometimes see at book club, or a lifelong close friend.

It gets tiring and tiresome when it happens again and again. It feels like no one has space or time for an extra friend.

Don't give up! Join a Meetup group -- those are people you KNOW want to be involved with others.

Those other women don't know what to do -- they don't want to make up an excuse, because then you'll just ask another time, and they don't want to say "No, I really don't want to go to coffee one-on-one with you" either. Also if they're older (no offense) maybe they don't realize you can see that they've read the messages? I agree that not responding is rude. They are not your friends. Just move on.

This is OP.
Thanks for your feedback. I am thinking of joining a Meet Up group. There are a few groups close to us.

I get that some people don't like to admit that they don't want to hang out with me and they say nothing instead (ghosting), however I personally prefer it when people are direct and honest.

Anyway one of the 2 women who didn't respond to my ouvertures is someone in our local circle of friends/acquaintances. We've known her for 15+ years. We're going out for dinner in a group soon (I expect there will be about 10 to 12 people there). This woman is coming too.
I wasn't going to say anything to her on the night (other than exchangng polite conversation and joining in with the others) but my husband now thinks I should ask her out face to face this time. His stance is 'people can't ignore you when you're there' ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re admitting that you are angling to form a closer bond. They may sense that pressure. They may not want that.

Close friendships happen organically, or not at all. Enjoy people for who an what they are—whether that is a friendly neighbor, a friend you sometimes see at book club, or a lifelong close friend.

It gets tiring and tiresome when it happens again and again. It feels like no one has space or time for an extra friend.

Don't give up! Join a Meetup group -- those are people you KNOW want to be involved with others.

Those other women don't know what to do -- they don't want to make up an excuse, because then you'll just ask another time, and they don't want to say "No, I really don't want to go to coffee one-on-one with you" either. Also if they're older (no offense) maybe they don't realize you can see that they've read the messages? I agree that not responding is rude. They are not your friends. Just move on.

This is OP.
Thanks for your feedback. I am thinking of joining a Meet Up group. There are a few groups close to us.

I get that some people don't like to admit that they don't want to hang out with me and they say nothing instead (ghosting), however I personally prefer it when people are direct and honest.

Anyway one of the 2 women who didn't respond to my ouvertures is someone in our local circle of friends/acquaintances. We've known her for 15+ years. We're going out for dinner in a group soon (I expect there will be about 10 to 12 people there). This woman is coming too.
I wasn't going to say anything to her on the night (other than exchangng polite conversation and joining in with the others) but my husband now thinks I should ask her out face to face this time. His stance is 'people can't ignore you when you're there' ...

Your husband is giving you poor advice. You should not have to corner and manipulate people into spending time with you. She did communicate with you by not responding. She just didn't use your preferred method. You are not close enough friends to insist she must tell you flat out that she doesn't want 1-1 time with you. If you think forcing it by asking her face to face is going to make her want to be your BFF then you have a lot to learn about friendship/

You are obsessing too much. Accept the level of friendship she can give you and move on. If I don't hear from someone, I move on. i don't ruminate. I assume either life is busy, there is a family emergency or the person doesn't want to hang out and that is fine. There are people I don't mind in a group, but I don't want to invest in a closer relationship and I assume there are those who feel the same about me. Not a problem. I appreciate my friends for whatever level of friendship the offer. Life is too short and stressful to obsess over this.