Why do some middle aged women ghost each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I check my WhatsApp once a month.

That's what caught my eye too. I am middle aged and don't use WhatsApp at all and none of my middle aged friends do either. I loaded it for a client in Asia once and haven't looked at it since that project ended. Maybe try communicating by text or email?

You also just need to move on. They aren't ghosting you if you never had a relationship to start with.

[Anonymous]

say that you'd love to get together but the next few weeks are very busy and let's reconnect after that

Don't do this if you don't mean it

[Anonymous]

There will be one of two answers i) the person did it on purpose and isn't going to be honest with you about why they are ignoring you so this is pointless, or possibly hurful to you, or ii) they were overwhelmed, forgot etc.. and you putting them on the spot could chill any potential for you to develop a closer friendship organically. It is most likely not an intent to ghost you just an oversight and they think you've moved on

[Anonymous]

How about this as a decline? "I'm pretty busy with the obligations I have and don't really have extra time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about this as a decline? "I'm pretty busy with the obligations I have and don't really have extra time."

Nobody has to decline the way OP demands. There are simple social rules. If you ask someone to get together and she doesn't respond let it go. You could try again in a month or 2, but if there is no response, let it go and move on. It' isn't a ghost. You weren't that close. Getting together in groups even for 15 years does not make you so close that she owes you the exact response you want. No need for drama. It is extreme to say you have been ghosted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, but I’d move on from these women. They don’t seem to want to put the effort into being friends with you. Maybe they are busy. Maybe they don’t like you. Maybe they still are not socializing much due to COVID.

Possibly. But they should be polite enough to respond even just to say they are busy or it wouldn't work for them. A reply, however disappointing, is better than nothing.

Being ignored multiple times without an explanation is hurtful and demoralizing.

The 62-year old lady I referred to is definitely socializing.

No one is so busy they can't write a reply to a text in 6 months.

No advice, just sympathy
I'm sorry. No one is too busy to have basic manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about this as a decline? "I'm pretty busy with the obligations I have and don't really have extra time."

I'm OP.
I think this way of declining is acceptable. I wouldn't be upset if someone wrote or said this to me. I'd probably be a bit disappointed but I'd understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t want to hurt her by bluntly explaining why being a pleasant acquaintance is the most that I feel up for.

NP here. PP, I would say something like, "I don't feel I'm someone who can help you." "I don't feel I can help." Something like that. You can keep it vague and not be drawn into explaining. No explanation necessary. Say it again or 3 times if you need to.

I've had people say to me, "I'm pretty busy with the friends I have and don't really have extra time." Another instance, when I tried to help someone who was going through a medical crisis, she did not want my help and said, "I am keeping my circle small." That made sense. Those words assured me that she was ok and had the people she needed. I had just wanted to make sure she felt supported. It didn't have to be me.

A pet peeve of mine is when people decline with, "I'm so overwhelmed ... or I'm not feeling well ..." something that evokes sympathy. That's gutless and not nice, actually. That enlists sympathy. The response of many reasonable people would be to try to help, somehow, to lighten the load of the friend or work to cheer up the friend/acquaintance.

It's OP again.
The examples of responses you mentioned are all acceptable. I prefer to receive a response than nothing at all. Radio silence is rude, hurtful and childish.

Of course it is possible that my friend is too busy to get together, that she has too many obligations and not enough time with hobbies and work and that she really doesn't have any spare time to fit in social interactions with me.

But it could also be ME, in which case I'd like to know.
I may talk too much, or too little.
I may talk too much about one thing, and not enough about another.
I may have annoying habits I'm not aware of.
She may think I'm boring.
We may have no common interests.
Wouldn't you want to find out if it's YOU?

It's like applying for a job. If I apply for a job and I get rejected after having gone for an interview, I'd like to get feedback after the interview.
How else are you meant to make progress ...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t want to hurt her by bluntly explaining why being a pleasant acquaintance is the most that I feel up for.

NP here. PP, I would say something like, "I don't feel I'm someone who can help you." "I don't feel I can help." Something like that. You can keep it vague and not be drawn into explaining. No explanation necessary. Say it again or 3 times if you need to.

I've had people say to me, "I'm pretty busy with the friends I have and don't really have extra time." Another instance, when I tried to help someone who was going through a medical crisis, she did not want my help and said, "I am keeping my circle small." That made sense. Those words assured me that she was ok and had the people she needed. I had just wanted to make sure she felt supported. It didn't have to be me.

A pet peeve of mine is when people decline with, "I'm so overwhelmed ... or I'm not feeling well ..." something that evokes sympathy. That's gutless and not nice, actually. That enlists sympathy. The response of many reasonable people would be to try to help, somehow, to lighten the load of the friend or work to cheer up the friend/acquaintance.

It's OP again.
The examples of responses you mentioned are all acceptable. I prefer to receive a response than nothing at all. Radio silence is rude, hurtful and childish.

Of course it is possible that my friend is too busy to get together, that she has too many obligations and not enough time with hobbies and work and that she really doesn't have any spare time to fit in social interactions with me.

But it could also be ME, in which case I'd like to know.
I may talk too much, or too little.
I may talk too much about one thing, and not enough about another.
I may have annoying habits I'm not aware of.
She may think I'm boring.
We may have no common interests.
Wouldn't you want to find out if it's YOU?

It's like applying for a job. If I apply for a job and I get rejected after having gone for an interview, I'd like to get feedback after the interview.
How else are you meant to make progress ...?

I think the feedback you got right here is enough. You are too obsessed. People can probably sense your desperation and anger. relax. Stop trying to rush closeness ands enjoy the PROCESS rather than insisting you must have best friends. Do lots of things to connect. Appreciate whatever someone brings to the table whether it's a laugh, some great advice. or just interesting conversation. Understand that relationships eb and flow. If someone doesn't respond to you, let that be enough. Nobody needs to tell you that you are too pushy or you interrupt too much, or you seem great, but just not someone I want to be closer with because of whatever. Maybe they don't know why, but they just get a vibe it isn't right. Maybe they do know why and they don't want to deal with your wrath, or hurt look or whatever if they tell you. Most people won't tell you. Unless you are really close, nobody owes you a reason. You may think that is rude and they may think it's rude you feel entitled to a brief feedback session. Most likely the person is too busy with middle age stressors to sit and think of what she doesn't want to hang out or she doesn't have time. Move on. If it keeps happening, keep moving on and again enjoying the good parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t want to hurt her by bluntly explaining why being a pleasant acquaintance is the most that I feel up for.

NP here. PP, I would say something like, "I don't feel I'm someone who can help you." "I don't feel I can help." Something like that. You can keep it vague and not be drawn into explaining. No explanation necessary. Say it again or 3 times if you need to.

I've had people say to me, "I'm pretty busy with the friends I have and don't really have extra time." Another instance, when I tried to help someone who was going through a medical crisis, she did not want my help and said, "I am keeping my circle small." That made sense. Those words assured me that she was ok and had the people she needed. I had just wanted to make sure she felt supported. It didn't have to be me.

A pet peeve of mine is when people decline with, "I'm so overwhelmed ... or I'm not feeling well ..." something that evokes sympathy. That's gutless and not nice, actually. That enlists sympathy. The response of many reasonable people would be to try to help, somehow, to lighten the load of the friend or work to cheer up the friend/acquaintance.

It's OP again.
The examples of responses you mentioned are all acceptable. I prefer to receive a response than nothing at all. Radio silence is rude, hurtful and childish.

Of course it is possible that my friend is too busy to get together, that she has too many obligations and not enough time with hobbies and work and that she really doesn't have any spare time to fit in social interactions with me.

But it could also be ME, in which case I'd like to know.
I may talk too much, or too little.
I may talk too much about one thing, and not enough about another.
I may have annoying habits I'm not aware of.
She may think I'm boring.
We may have no common interests.
Wouldn't you want to find out if it's YOU?

It's like applying for a job. If I apply for a job and I get rejected after having gone for an interview, I'd like to get feedback after the interview.
How else are you meant to make progress ...?

I think the feedback you got right here is enough. You are too obsessed. People can probably sense your desperation and anger. relax. Stop trying to rush closeness ands enjoy the PROCESS rather than insisting you must have best friends. Do lots of things to connect. Appreciate whatever someone brings to the table whether it's a laugh, some great advice. or just interesting conversation. Understand that relationships eb and flow. If someone doesn't respond to you, let that be enough. Nobody needs to tell you that you are too pushy or you interrupt too much, or you seem great, but just not someone I want to be closer with because of whatever. Maybe they don't know why, but they just get a vibe it isn't right. Maybe they do know why and they don't want to deal with your wrath, or hurt look or whatever if they tell you. Most people won't tell you. Unless you are really close, nobody owes you a reason. You may think that is rude and they may think it's rude you feel entitled to a brief feedback session. Most likely the person is too busy with middle age stressors to sit and think of what she doesn't want to hang out or she doesn't have time. Move on. If it keeps happening, keep moving on and again enjoying the good parts.

This is OP.
Thank you for your feedback.

A lot of what you wrote makes sense, however I would like to comment on the following: you wrote 'stop trying to rush closeness...'
I don't think I'm trying to rush things. We moved to this town 17 years ago. If close friendships don't materialize in 17 years, then when do they?

I'm 54 and I feel like the clock is ticking.

DH and I have a lot of surface level friends and casual acquaintances here but no close friends.
It's usually the same scenario: we meet people, we get to know each other a bit, and then ... nothing. They stay surface level. Or they go back to their old friends group.
I'm always the initiator. It's rare that someone reaches out spontaneously. My husband is in the same situation, but he cares less about friends than I do.

I still think it has something to do with small town versus big city. We never found socializing problematic in a large city. It was so easy to call a few people and organize a night out.

[Anonymous]

I have ghosted three friends in past few years. Found out over the years that they had each hit on guys that I dated in the past. Just woke me up that they weren't friends and no point in addressing behavior b/c that's just who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

say that you'd love to get together but the next few weeks are very busy and let's reconnect after that

Don't do this if you don't mean it

Everyone knows it’s a polite blow off. NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t want to hurt her by bluntly explaining why being a pleasant acquaintance is the most that I feel up for.

NP here. PP, I would say something like, "I don't feel I'm someone who can help you." "I don't feel I can help." Something like that. You can keep it vague and not be drawn into explaining. No explanation necessary. Say it again or 3 times if you need to.

I've had people say to me, "I'm pretty busy with the friends I have and don't really have extra time." Another instance, when I tried to help someone who was going through a medical crisis, she did not want my help and said, "I am keeping my circle small." That made sense. Those words assured me that she was ok and had the people she needed. I had just wanted to make sure she felt supported. It didn't have to be me.

A pet peeve of mine is when people decline with, "I'm so overwhelmed ... or I'm not feeling well ..." something that evokes sympathy. That's gutless and not nice, actually. That enlists sympathy. The response of many reasonable people would be to try to help, somehow, to lighten the load of the friend or work to cheer up the friend/acquaintance.

It's OP again.
The examples of responses you mentioned are all acceptable. I prefer to receive a response than nothing at all. Radio silence is rude, hurtful and childish.

Of course it is possible that my friend is too busy to get together, that she has too many obligations and not enough time with hobbies and work and that she really doesn't have any spare time to fit in social interactions with me.

But it could also be ME, in which case I'd like to know.
I may talk too much, or too little.
I may talk too much about one thing, and not enough about another.
I may have annoying habits I'm not aware of.
She may think I'm boring.
We may have no common interests.
Wouldn't you want to find out if it's YOU?

It's like applying for a job. If I apply for a job and I get rejected after having gone for an interview, I'd like to get feedback after the interview.
How else are you meant to make progress ...?

What does it matter? Are you really going to change who you are so that someone will be your friend? At your age? At *any* age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

say that you'd love to get together but the next few weeks are very busy and let's reconnect after that

Don't do this if you don't mean it

You have to learn to be less literal. Do you want someone to say: I don't want to be your friend, then you have to run into them all the time and it's weird and awkward? Or do you want to be able to stay friendly so no one has to be embarrassed - you just didn't take your friendship to the next level. I can tell you which I'd prefer, for certain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about this as a decline? "I'm pretty busy with the obligations I have and don't really have extra time."

Because you sound like a self-important jerk.