Once again am hurt over dysfunctional family and holidays

[Anonymous]

Enjoy the holidays, just you, your spouse, and your children. More fun, no drama.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with others - find another family with kids your kids' age to share the holiday. We started this after my parents passed away and I really enjoy the tradition and company!

[Anonymous]

I always had Thanksgivings with just immediate family. A lot of us don't get off for the holidays or work on the holiday. We always invited others to our celebration, typically foreigners and family friends. It's a great idea in this area with so many transient families who work at the embassies and don't celebrate Thanksgiving in their home countries.

I'm sure my mom was lonely when we were little and she had to do all of the cooking, but by the time we were 10+ we loved helping! I have fond memories of cooking with my mom in the kitchen, planning what pie to make and setting the fancy table.

Make some traditions of your own. We enjoy reading Thanksgiving books, histories of the mayflower, "Thank you Sarah" book about the woman who made it a national holiday. Last year my small kids made pilgrims hats to wear at dinner and I'm planning on turkey pinecones being the craft this year. We play card games after dinner since we aren't into sports. Family traditions are what you make of them.

[Anonymous]

We've always celebrated Thanksgiving and most Christmases without extended family. No one ever wanted to travel to see us and traveling across the country got to be too much when my kids were young. It was disappointing for many years--my kids not having the same type of holiday traditions DH and I had growing up and feeling like our families didn't care enough to see us--but those were MY feelings. My kids don't know the difference.

Instead, we plan fun things to do at home over the holidays. As soon as my youngest is a bit older (and the magic of Christmas wears off) we are going to spend Christmas in Europe or on a tropical island somewhere!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I understand completely. Just wanted to let you know that.

Disappointment is hard....it's like a grief. I'm sorry.

I missed this response the first time around and wanted to say thank you for this and others that were kind and validating. I really appreciate it!

Lots of good suggestions for creating alternative traditions, which we've done in the past and will look to do this year too. It's mostly the feelings, though. I want to feel like a grownup, and I go back to feeling like a lonely, hurt little kid. I don't want to project that on my own kids, as one poster cautioned. I'm pretty far from accepting everything and am just trying not to ruin anyone else's holiday with my own messiness about it. I am very tight-lipped about my family stuff even with my closest childhood friends. They know, but I spare them from the real drama because I'm so ashamed and it's very counter to my outward persona. Therapy has only gotten me so far. Thanks again for the thoughtful responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently I've responded to posts on how to feel ok about spending holidays with only your own your small family. I do a lot of work to manage my feelings about it, let go of expectations, blah blah blah. We've had some recent success and created some warm, cozy times. I felt capable. For whatever reason, this year I am a big mess and can't take my own advice.

- ILs finally let us know they can't travel this year and haven't extended an invite (though we are welcome anytime), haven't made any effort to otherwise visit us and see their grandkids. They are lovely people when we see them but are terrible, flaky planners. They live very far away, retired, super active, great health, no financial difficulties. Totally fun, affectionate, and engaged when we're together but it's like out of sight, out of mind. Very focused on DH's sibling who lives close to them. It's a huge pain for us to travel there with three kids.

- My family is kind and loving but a disaster due to my drug-addicted sibling and codependent parents. That said, parents make big effort to be present for my kids, facetime, take turns visiting on random weekends, are acutely aware of the inequity and feel terrible about it. My parents said they would come to our house for Thanksgiving if ILs weren't going to visit. I told them at the beginning of the month ILs were out. My mom called me yesterday and said they now don't feel comfortable leaving home because my sibling's behavior has been erratic, "those poor kids" may not otherwise get a "real Thanksgiving." She hadn't confirmed sibling's plans, just wanted to be on call in case shit hits the fan. Basically unspoken that she suspects relapse. I feel like a little baby brat being mad at her, but it's a tale as old as time, and it never hurts any less.

So once again we are spending Thanksgiving just us, feeling like our kids are always playing second fiddle to the rest of the grandkids. Christmas will be similar. ILs will leave us hanging about their plans. My parents will either cancel plans, visit and be attached to their phone managing my sibling's crisis remotely, or there will be an underlying current of tragedy or stress we can't discuss. Yes I've posted about this before. I'm hoping someone has evolved in their experience and has some BTDT to share that will help me this time around. I'm so old and so tired, so done with telling my kids no one's coming to visit again (they all desperately love all the grandparents).

Becoming an adult means that you become independent. This means that you don't need Mommy and Daddy to grow your hand crossing streets and that when you marry you
make your own holiday memories at YOUR house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I understand completely. Just wanted to let you know that.

Disappointment is hard....it's like a grief. I'm sorry.

I missed this response the first time around and wanted to say thank you for this and others that were kind and validating. I really appreciate it!

Lots of good suggestions for creating alternative traditions, which we've done in the past and will look to do this year too. It's mostly the feelings, though. I want to feel like a grownup, and I go back to feeling like a lonely, hurt little kid. I don't want to project that on my own kids, as one poster cautioned. I'm pretty far from accepting everything and am just trying not to ruin anyone else's holiday with my own messiness about it. I am very tight-lipped about my family stuff even with my closest childhood friends. They know, but I spare them from the real drama because I'm so ashamed and it's very counter to my outward persona. Therapy has only gotten me so far. Thanks again for the thoughtful responses.

Another chiming in to tell you that I understand. Be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you are not telling either side of the family that you feel disappointed or slighted, but just lamenting about it here. It stinks that the world can be so harsh and judgmental, which is likely why you are tight lipped with even close friends about it. The advice I have for you is this: any friend you would be ashamed knowing that you have an imperfect family, is not a true friend. I bet your friends are more accepting than you would think and talking to them might make you feel better about things. You are worthy of care, consideration, and love. I bet your friends would agree and understand why you were down.

[Anonymous]

This is yet another example of why DH and I always either go to Mexico or Hawaii for Thanksgiving and Europe for Christmastime. We take the kids and leave - this way nobody expects us to show up and we don't have to host anyone. We have a great time on our trip and come home relaxed and refreshed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I understand completely. Just wanted to let you know that.

Disappointment is hard....it's like a grief. I'm sorry.

I missed this response the first time around and wanted to say thank you for this and others that were kind and validating. I really appreciate it!

Lots of good suggestions for creating alternative traditions, which we've done in the past and will look to do this year too. It's mostly the feelings, though. I want to feel like a grownup, and I go back to feeling like a lonely, hurt little kid. I don't want to project that on my own kids, as one poster cautioned. I'm pretty far from accepting everything and am just trying not to ruin anyone else's holiday with my own messiness about it. I am very tight-lipped about my family stuff even with my closest childhood friends. They know, but I spare them from the real drama because I'm so ashamed and it's very counter to my outward persona. Therapy has only gotten me so far. Thanks again for the thoughtful responses.

So give the lonely, hurt little kid inside of you the comfort and empathy you deserve so that you can focus on creating wonderful family memories for your own kids. Maybe this means taking some time for yourself around each holiday to acknowledge the feelings instead of pushing them down. The lonely, hurt little kid inside of you feels abandoned or unloved, yet the adult you is surrounded by love from a family that you created. And if you find yourself too stuck in these feelings to enjoy the holidays, honestly, a change of scenery around the holidays might work wonders.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you feel that you and your children are always playing 2nd or last to the other siblings and grandkids on both sides. Just once you want your family to be prioritized for the holidays. I understand and can empathize with those hurt feelings. You do not sound whiny, you sound hurt to me. This is a message board and your feelings are valid. It also sounds like your feelings are based in reality. Crying it out, life is not fair

Now put those hosting skills to use and invite some fun friends over to share in the holiday with you all!

[Anonymous]

What did I miss, why don't you go to your parents' for Thanksgiving with them and "those poor children?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did I miss, why don't you go to your parents' for Thanksgiving with them and "those poor children?"

+1 either go to your parents (and be willing to know they are dealing with issues) or else happily stay home. It's your choice, so pick the best of those and be happy about it.

And just FYI that the grass is always greener. I spend a lot of holidays with family and I sort of like it but the one year we stayed home with just our nuclear family was our favorite Thanksgiving ever. I feel slightly guilty saying it but it's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did I miss, why don't you go to your parents' for Thanksgiving with them and "those poor children?"

+1 either go to your parents (and be willing to know they are dealing with issues) or else happily stay home. It's your choice, so pick the best of those and be happy about it.

And just FYI that the grass is always greener. I spend a lot of holidays with family and I sort of like it but the one year we stayed home with just our nuclear family was our favorite Thanksgiving ever. I feel slightly guilty saying it but it's true.

+1 silver lining the last few years doing holidays on our own has been lovely

[Anonymous]

OP, you have my sympathy - I also come from a dysfunctional family and Thanksgiving was one my parents ruined for years. Instead of feeling sad that your holiday will be smaller, I encourage you to see this as your opportunity to be your OWN functional family with your spouse and kids. This is your chance to do things the way you wish they were. Invite others who may be alone if you feel like a fuller house is part of what you need, but know that you can give yourself the happy, loving, drama-free holiday you’ve always wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it is so important, then I would travel to the ILs. Otherwise, contentment lies in releasing your attachment to a desire that things be different from what they are. Your parents are unlikely to stop being codependent and that sibling is not going to be less of a mess--that's the dynamic they are in. The ILs are never going to be not-flaky. Meet them where they are (at their place!) or accept that you won't be close.

It's just fine to be sad that things aren't your ideal scenario--be sad about it for a while, but then embrace what you DO have. Either an intimate family holiday or a travel to the ILs holiday.

+1 In your shoes, I would plan a trip to visit the ILs for Christmas. We have a standing rotation of Christmas with each side (and we ALWAYS travel to see them). Check dates and then book your tickets/plan your drive.

Also +1 on making Thanksgiving a Friendsgiving - it's too short to really travel so unless family is local, getting together with others is the way to go. Plus Thanksgiving potlucks are the best!

Lastly, I hear you that it's about more than the actual holidays and also about the family dynamics. You wish both sides made your family a higher priority. They do love you - they just aren't able to show it in the way you want right now.