Once again am hurt over dysfunctional family and holidays

[Anonymous]

OP, I have the same dynamic with my parents and my alcoholic/ substance abusing sister and her kids. My mother always, always, always cancels and picks them. Going to visit my parents won’t work either because she’ll claim we all have to go over to my sister’s because “those kids really need me” and her house is too small, too dirty, there literally aren’t enough chairs for everyone (even if you got all the chairs from every room).

I gave up. This year our small family is going to the Caribbean for Christmas. Thanksgiving we will probably be home just us as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently I've responded to posts on how to feel ok about spending holidays with only your own your small family. I do a lot of work to manage my feelings about it, let go of expectations, blah blah blah. We've had some recent success and created some warm, cozy times. I felt capable. For whatever reason, this year I am a big mess and can't take my own advice.

- ILs finally let us know they can't travel this year and haven't extended an invite (though we are welcome anytime), haven't made any effort to otherwise visit us and see their grandkids. They are lovely people when we see them but are terrible, flaky planners. They live very far away, retired, super active, great health, no financial difficulties. Totally fun, affectionate, and engaged when we're together but it's like out of sight, out of mind. Very focused on DH's sibling who lives close to them. It's a huge pain for us to travel there with three kids.

- My family is kind and loving but a disaster due to my drug-addicted sibling and codependent parents. That said, parents make big effort to be present for my kids, facetime, take turns visiting on random weekends, are acutely aware of the inequity and feel terrible about it. My parents said they would come to our house for Thanksgiving if ILs weren't going to visit. I told them at the beginning of the month ILs were out. My mom called me yesterday and said they now don't feel comfortable leaving home because my sibling's behavior has been erratic, "those poor kids" may not otherwise get a "real Thanksgiving." She hadn't confirmed sibling's plans, just wanted to be on call in case shit hits the fan. Basically unspoken that she suspects relapse. I feel like a little baby brat being mad at her, but it's a tale as old as time, and it never hurts any less.

So once again we are spending Thanksgiving just us, feeling like our kids are always playing second fiddle to the rest of the grandkids. Christmas will be similar. ILs will leave us hanging about their plans. My parents will either cancel plans, visit and be attached to their phone managing my sibling's crisis remotely, or there will be an underlying current of tragedy or stress we can't discuss. Yes I've posted about this before. I'm hoping someone has evolved in their experience and has some BTDT to share that will help me this time around. I'm so old and so tired, so done with telling my kids no one's coming to visit again (they all desperately love all the grandparents).

I get it OP. We are always last too. And it's not because of anything hard, bad, etc. The parents -all 4 sets- just prefer the holidays in their own home where most of the grandkids live. They won't even alternate. They won't come a few days before or after. This is so despite that they've all had their chance to have their own holidays in their own homes for decades. They had all their parents come to THEM for holidays once they had kids. They have the money, the health, the ability to come, even if it is once every other year. We are still working and the lack of flexibilities. They just won't do it..

It makes me super bitter. And makes me like them all a little bit less. But, as they get older, they are becoming less relevant b/c of their desire to not visit and not be involved (this is only one part of a pattern with them -all 4 sets). It is what it is. We just no longer make them a priority, either.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you go to your parents house?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you could go to either your in-laws or parents, but do not want to. I think they are not asking you to come because you make it clear that traveling is a pain. But you need to understand that you are the making your parents choose between thier kids.

If you want to stay home and have a big gathering, start becoming a house that hosts others. Invite friends over and invite you families also. If they come, great. If not, you still have other guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to be harsh, but you sound a bit whiny. It's no one else' job except your own to make you happy. You only have one life. Try to make it a happy one, with cozy Holiday traditions. Maybe include service to others. Our most cherished tradition is going out in early December to cut down a Christmas tree. We bring thermoses of hot chocolate and bring the dog. It seems so simple, but it makes us happy.

This is fair, don’t be sorry! We do these things though, I swear. We are used to being alone and we have gone through a good streak of being happy with it. I make the mistake of thinking I’ll handle the rejection ok and then I regress and become whiny and upset about it all over again, despite having done many years of work to be ok with it. I need the tough love responses like yours. Thanks.

OP that means you're human. You're not an automaton. Also, emotions/thoughts ebb and flow through our lives.

When this happens to me, I get really curious about what it means. It may be insightful. Why is this coming up now? Even if the answer doesn't solve anything, the awareness is helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP-growing up, as an only child, our holidays were 95% just the three of us.

My grandmother, who lived 5 minutes away, was usually upset at my parents for something completely lame. She would instead go to friends for holidays and tell them how horrible a son my dad was...when my parents always invited her over regardless of whether she was speaking to them or not.

We didn't spend time with my (fairly local) mother's side of the family because they cut her off after my grandfather died. Long story short, she was adopted, much younger than them, and they blamed her for his death, which was ridiculous since she was the one who cared for him at the end.

Now, as a kid, I had no idea of these dynamics. All I remember is cozy times at home with my parents. We would have special meals, or special decorations, or presents. It didn't even occur to me for things to be different...I was happy with how things were! I knew my parents loved me and I loved how we spent holidays together as a family.

As a parent now I can understand your disappointment, but I would suggest being careful not to project that onto your children. I'm sure my parents were upset at their situations in many ways. I never saw or felt that disappointment or anger or whatever; they made holidays special with the resources they had. And I have positive memories of those holidays.

[Anonymous]

"Fool me once, shame on them"
"Fool me twice, shame on me"

That's YOU Op. Shame on you. You should never, and I mean never have -anything- other than your own plans, just your family, for the holidays. Now do it.

See relatives some other time. Period.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp that you should travel to your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Fool me once, shame on them"
"Fool me twice, shame on me"

That's YOU Op. Shame on you. You should never, and I mean never have -anything- other than your own plans, just your family, for the holidays. Now do it.

See relatives some other time. Period.

This. Traveling with kids on holidays is not fun. See grandparents some other time, and travel to see them some other time.

[Anonymous]

You seem to think the elderly grandparents should be travelling to you.

Why aren't you instead travelling to them?

Yes it is hard to fly with three kids but it's also hard to fly when you are elderly even when you are in "great health." Esepcially during a pandemic. THey are probably declining in ways you don't realize. And yeah, the local grandkids get to see their grandparents more. That is how it goes. Move closer if you want to see them more.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt and disappointed again. That’s my story too - except it’s an estranged emotionally distant family of origin that just doesn’t care about one another.
My small family is just me and my son, dad is out of the picture. I started travelling for the holidays - Christmas in NYC is really beautiful. Lying on a beach is also nice. This year we might go to Hawaii.

Every now and then I try to arrange a family get together. But someone gets angry or annoyed or put out so it’s not worth it.

Many posters asked why you don’t travel to the IL or parents. I’m sorry but your “no one will be visiting us” does sound a little whiny. It’s not like they don’t want to see you although I guess you could interpret their decision not to visit as meaning they don’t care enough. I wouldn’t. It seems there are many reasons they can’t travel but lack of desire to visit you and your family is not the primary reason. If it matters enough, find a way financially etc to visit them. Maybe every other year or something.
Agree also that your kids are good either way- they’re happy to hang out at home whether or not people are coming to visit them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you find another local family you know to invite? We have always had various people over for Thanksgiving.

We live several states away from our family, that we adore on both sides - unfortunately a family Thanksgiving just has never been in the cards for us. Our next door neighbors invited us to Thanksgiving one year and it has been over a decade, and we still celebrate with them. They have become our second family. They’ve watched our babies become teens, and we’ve gone to their kids’ weddings. It’s such a delightful dynamic and it’s like having a whole other family. And again, we adore our own - this is just a bonus.

Our church also always opens up a Thanksgiving meal to a person in the congregation who will be alone, either elderly or just new to town or whatever. If you are part of a congregation, perhaps start something like this.

Truly hope you are open to inviting some non relatives over, OP, because it could be the start of something special!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you I’d make the effort to just travel to your in-laws. I know it is a pain to travel with three kids but they sound like fun and you will enjoy it once you get there.

Maybe not every year but it seems like this is a tough one for you. Why not travel?

[Anonymous]

Count me as another voice of empathy, OP. I get it. Our IL situations are different but I, too, have a very dysfunctional sibling who makes holidays difficult. The best case is we host, she bails at the last minute, but my mom is able to bring her younger daughter (older one lives with her dad). My parents can’t host because they’re divorced and each has a very small space. Worst case, my sibling is present and makes everything all about her and her problems.

Growing up, we did Thanksgiving with one set of cousins, some of whom are still local. We used to celebrate with them until they dropped us (my parents, my family, and my sister) due to not wanting to deal with my sister’s issues. So, it’s even more painful to remember that not too long ago, we did have large, warm celebrations.

It’s okay to grieve and feel disappointment. You can feel those things and still be grateful for what you have. Ignore the people who don’t get it - not worth your time. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I grew up far from extended family and pretty much every holiday was nuclear-fam only. I likes it that way and have many special, happy memories. We definitely would invite others over for meals (ask around at church or work).