Once again am hurt over dysfunctional family and holidays
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Anonymous
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Recently I've responded to posts on how to feel ok about spending holidays with only your own your small family. I do a lot of work to manage my feelings about it, let go of expectations, blah blah blah. We've had some recent success and created some warm, cozy times. I felt capable. For whatever reason, this year I am a big mess and can't take my own advice.
- ILs finally let us know they can't travel this year and haven't extended an invite (though we are welcome anytime), haven't made any effort to otherwise visit us and see their grandkids. They are lovely people when we see them but are terrible, flaky planners. They live very far away, retired, super active, great health, no financial difficulties. Totally fun, affectionate, and engaged when we're together but it's like out of sight, out of mind. Very focused on DH's sibling who lives close to them. It's a huge pain for us to travel there with three kids. - My family is kind and loving but a disaster due to my drug-addicted sibling and codependent parents. That said, parents make big effort to be present for my kids, facetime, take turns visiting on random weekends, are acutely aware of the inequity and feel terrible about it. My parents said they would come to our house for Thanksgiving if ILs weren't going to visit. I told them at the beginning of the month ILs were out. My mom called me yesterday and said they now don't feel comfortable leaving home because my sibling's behavior has been erratic, "those poor kids" may not otherwise get a "real Thanksgiving." She hadn't confirmed sibling's plans, just wanted to be on call in case shit hits the fan. Basically unspoken that she suspects relapse. I feel like a little baby brat being mad at her, but it's a tale as old as time, and it never hurts any less. So once again we are spending Thanksgiving just us, feeling like our kids are always playing second fiddle to the rest of the grandkids. Christmas will be similar. ILs will leave us hanging about their plans. My parents will either cancel plans, visit and be attached to their phone managing my sibling's crisis remotely, or there will be an underlying current of tragedy or stress we can't discuss. Yes I've posted about this before. I'm hoping someone has evolved in their experience and has some BTDT to share that will help me this time around. I'm so old and so tired, so done with telling my kids no one's coming to visit again (they all desperately love all the grandparents). |
Anonymous
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We've always spent holidays with just us: two parents, two kids. And when I was growing up, it was just me and my parents.
So... maybe be thankful you're in relatively good health and have food and shelter? |
Anonymous
Yes, for sure. And I should have caveated my original post by saying I am absolutely thankful for those things. It's not really just the holidays, it's the relationships in general and the holidays put a magnifying glass on it, if that makes sense. I would also like to emphasize that I love my sibling's kids and don't want to sound like my own feelings are more important than their care. I do what I can to make sure they know we love them and try to maintain a relationship between the cousins but it's also hard. |
Anonymous
| Can you find another local family you know to invite? We have always had various people over for Thanksgiving. |
Anonymous
| We always open our home to whoever doesn't have a place to go for Thanksgiving. Last year, we had 3 local families and their kids come. I get it may not be a replacement for your family but good friends can truly be as good or better than family with time. So I agree with the above to find a local family and spend the holidays together. Or travel somewhere fun and festive over Christmas. |
Anonymous
| I gently suggest that your kids will not be as disappointed as you think they are - or make them feel. I think you are projecting your disappointment to them. Coming from a dysfunctional family of origin myself, I know how keenly painful it is when these things happen and how it can reinforce feelings of not mattering as much as others. I'm not dismissing it because I understand why you feel that way. I am suggesting your kids won't feel that way unless you let your feelings bleed over to them. |
Anonymous
| Let go of your rigid beliefs of how family should be. Your kids want a fun, stress free Thanksgiving. Sometimes that only happens when you are away from extended family. We do just ourselves or get together with friends and it is far better than when we dealt with extended family dramatics. |
Anonymous
| Sorry to be harsh, but you sound a bit whiny. It's no one else' job except your own to make you happy. You only have one life. Try to make it a happy one, with cozy Holiday traditions. Maybe include service to others. Our most cherished tradition is going out in early December to cut down a Christmas tree. We bring thermoses of hot chocolate and bring the dog. It seems so simple, but it makes us happy. |
Anonymous
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OP I understand completely. Just wanted to let you know that.
Disappointment is hard....it's like a grief. I'm sorry. |
Anonymous
| If I were you I’d make the effort to just travel to your in-laws. I know it is a pain to travel with three kids but they sound like fun and you will enjoy it once you get there. |
Anonymous
This is fair, don’t be sorry! We do these things though, I swear. We are used to being alone and we have gone through a good streak of being happy with it. I make the mistake of thinking I’ll handle the rejection ok and then I regress and become whiny and upset about it all over again, despite having done many years of work to be ok with it. I need the tough love responses like yours. Thanks. |
Anonymous
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OP you do not sound whiny to me. It sounds really tough and lonely. And you have to allow yourself to be able to grieve what you know you are not going to have, which is involved grandparents who can be depended on. That fantasy picture of holidays with the three generations. It's okay to be upset, and you have to take that time so you can move on.
So, after taking the time to be upset, get a plan. I highly recommend one of two things. The first is, to have someone like a neighbor or anyone come over for thanksgiving dinner. It always feels special when someone comes for dinner. It's sort of that reason to clean up the house and make something special....because it IS special. The second is, to go somewhere for the holiday(s). If you are somewhere else with your nuclear family, then it feels special. It feels like, "well of course we don't have other relatives here, because we're not at home, we're in ___" So you don't feel lonely. |
Anonymous
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Make some fun plans! Go to new york, do a turkey trot. Get the house decorated for Christmas that weekend. Sorry that you won't see your family. If it is any help, your parents probably feel awful, but they'll feel awful if your sister dies or hurts herself too.
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Anonymous
| Make fun plans! We habe local grandparents and adore them but never get to do anything else during holidays except visits and dinners with them. We also happily invite families who want togetherness but don't have close by relatives to hang with us for a welcome change |
Anonymous
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If it is so important, then I would travel to the ILs. Otherwise, contentment lies in releasing your attachment to a desire that things be different from what they are. Your parents are unlikely to stop being codependent and that sibling is not going to be less of a mess--that's the dynamic they are in. The ILs are never going to be not-flaky. Meet them where they are (at their place!) or accept that you won't be close.
It's just fine to be sad that things aren't your ideal scenario--be sad about it for a while, but then embrace what you DO have. Either an intimate family holiday or a travel to the ILs holiday. |