Why am I do triggered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.
By triggered I mean I hate being around the two of them together for making plans with them. If I make plans with Ann, I almost have to make sure that Belle is free first to watch the kids because that is who she will ask instead of having her husband parent.
If I make plans with Belle I have to make sure first they Ann does not need her to watch the kids. It's exhausting and I think I'm done. It's sad because I have a great relationship with both of them, but the three of us can never do anything since Ann won't leave the kids with her husband for more than an hour. He has a well paying job and younger siblings and nieces and nephews and from everything I have seen and that Belle has said he is a great involved parent when Ann lets him.
She likes things done a certain way and does not like that he handles situations differently than she would. Part of it is she can strong our bell and to doing and reacting exactly how she wants but she can't do that with her husband necessarily. Small things like reading three books at bedtime instead of just one. For wearing the green stocking cap to go on a walk instead of the brown one.

I haven't said anything to them which is why I'm probably venting here and realize it's not my monkeys and not my circus. But it does feel good just to get it out there.

You have a “great relationship with both of them”? And you’re on here yapping and judging and “triggered” over how they choose to spend their time? Get over yourself, and no, you don’t have a “great relationship” with them. You need to see a therapist, and I mean that in a very straightforward way—seeing a therapist has helped me a lot.

[Anonymous]

I have this dynamic except it’s my MIL babysitting infant/toddler niece and nephew full-time. The parents both work full-time and don’t have to pay childcare. That’s a huge chunk of change of free labor they’re getting. In-laws had wanted to travel but have no time to do so. They also spend their weekends watching the kids so the parents can go on a date or go away for the weekend. I’m jealous and annoyed that I didn’t get such help when my kids were young and that my kids have zero relationship with them as young adults. I am resentful and it has absolutely impacted my relationship with MIL and the niece/nephew family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this dynamic except it’s my MIL babysitting infant/toddler niece and nephew full-time. The parents both work full-time and don’t have to pay childcare. That’s a huge chunk of change of free labor they’re getting. In-laws had wanted to travel but have no time to do so. They also spend their weekends watching the kids so the parents can go on a date or go away for the weekend. I’m jealous and annoyed that I didn’t get such help when my kids were young and that my kids have zero relationship with them as young adults. I am resentful and it has absolutely impacted my relationship with MIL and the niece/nephew family.

MIL is a grown-ass adult and gets to choose how to spend her time and energy. You’re resentful because you didn’t get what someone else got, as in you had exactly the same expectations! LOL, that’s rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is a stocking cap?

Wow. Maybe read a book sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this dynamic except it’s my MIL babysitting infant/toddler niece and nephew full-time. The parents both work full-time and don’t have to pay childcare. That’s a huge chunk of change of free labor they’re getting. In-laws had wanted to travel but have no time to do so. They also spend their weekends watching the kids so the parents can go on a date or go away for the weekend. I’m jealous and annoyed that I didn’t get such help when my kids were young and that my kids have zero relationship with them as young adults. I am resentful and it has absolutely impacted my relationship with MIL and the niece/nephew family.

PP, ignore that other poster discounting your feelings. My parents are exactly like this with my sister and her kids. They're completely co-dependent on one another and it will never change. My sister, who is perfectly capable and doesn't even work, gets free childcare, rides, vacations, a house, camps, money, logistical and emotional support from my parents every single day. My parents basically completely ignore my kids (who are older) and my children are pretty neutral in their relationship with them (basically don't care one way or the other, which makes me super sad). Childcare would be great, but it's the never being around, making and breaking promises to do things with my kids that makes me super resentful. My sister has acknowledged the severe lack of balance but said "I like all the help, I'm not going to change anything. That's too bad for you."

It is what it is, for me and for you. It's ok to be resentful, just don't let those feelings enlarge and take over. Live your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this dynamic except it’s my MIL babysitting infant/toddler niece and nephew full-time. The parents both work full-time and don’t have to pay childcare. That’s a huge chunk of change of free labor they’re getting. In-laws had wanted to travel but have no time to do so. They also spend their weekends watching the kids so the parents can go on a date or go away for the weekend. I’m jealous and annoyed that I didn’t get such help when my kids were young and that my kids have zero relationship with them as young adults. I am resentful and it has absolutely impacted my relationship with MIL and the niece/nephew family.

MIL is a grown-ass adult and gets to choose how to spend her time and energy. You’re resentful because you didn’t get what someone else got, as in you had exactly the same expectations! LOL, that’s rich.

NP here. Kick rocks. you must be the adult who monopolizes all the grandparent time and wants to justify it. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing you can do about Ann's and Belle's relationship. It's not going to change unless they choose to.

Given their relationship, think about the relationship you can realistically have with them and decide if that works for you. For example, make dates with Belle knowing she may dump you for Ann or decide not to ask her to get together.

If interacting with them triggers you, then you decide if you want to interact with them as they are or limit contact. Whatever you decide, remember that they're not going to change.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd be annoyed with that dynamic too. I'm sure some of it is that your two sisters have this dependent relationship on each other, where they both are fulfilling some need in each other. And they are pretty much excluding you out of it. And when you make an effort to connect with them by making plans to see them - this dependency on each other always gets in the way of your plans. So it clearly feels like Anne and Belle are prioritizing each other, over their relationship with you.

If you have a good relationship with them and you trust them, I might just talk to them about why it bothers you.

[Anonymous]

Wow!!
This is so none of your concern. Talk to a therapist about why this bothers you so much.

[Anonymous]

Are you being codependent toward Belle, protecting her from Ann?

Are you also being codependent toward Ann's husband trying to protect his relationship with his kids?

The thing is, everybody in this dynamic are adults. You need to accept this is their choice, and up to them if they want changes.

How do you feel about boundaries? I used to think boundaries are pu Osment, for when someone does something 'bad'. But boundaries are also how we set out our needs and expectations. What are your boundaries around this dynamic? You do not get to set or state theirs, and it's not fair to assume you know what they or the kids need.

We all need our lives exactly as they are right now, this is what helps is learn and grow. You are in your life in your challenges, not what you imagine theirs are. They get to decide. They get to notice if they're recently or tired or getting annoyed with Ann. Not you.

You get to decide what you care about. Generally when we care so much sbout other people's dynamics that they actively and willingly participate in, it's because we are trying to distract ourselves from our own problems, issues, fears, traumas, needs, etc.

What's the payoff if you stew about Ann? You don't like it. GREAT. You are evolved enough to know that is a relationship factor you will not engage. But what is underneath this for you? Do you feel responsible for something, or protecting someone like you may have felt when you were a kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this dynamic except it’s my MIL babysitting infant/toddler niece and nephew full-time. The parents both work full-time and don’t have to pay childcare. That’s a huge chunk of change of free labor they’re getting. In-laws had wanted to travel but have no time to do so. They also spend their weekends watching the kids so the parents can go on a date or go away for the weekend. I’m jealous and annoyed that I didn’t get such help when my kids were young and that my kids have zero relationship with them as young adults. I am resentful and it has absolutely impacted my relationship with MIL and the niece/nephew family.

PP, ignore that other poster discounting your feelings. My parents are exactly like this with my sister and her kids. They're completely co-dependent on one another and it will never change. My sister, who is perfectly capable and doesn't even work, gets free childcare, rides, vacations, a house, camps, money, logistical and emotional support from my parents every single day. My parents basically completely ignore my kids (who are older) and my children are pretty neutral in their relationship with them (basically don't care one way or the other, which makes me super sad). Childcare would be great, but it's the never being around, making and breaking promises to do things with my kids that makes me super resentful. My sister has acknowledged the severe lack of balance but said "I like all the help, I'm not going to change anything. That's too bad for you."

It is what it is, for me and for you. It's ok to be resentful, just don't let those feelings enlarge and take over. Live your life.

You are spot on. I mourn that my kids hardly have any relationship with their grandparents even though they are local. One time, my daughter was working in the mall and my mil wandered into her store and said, I’m only here because I had to stop by the Apple Store. Then, proceeded to talk her ear off about the latest cute thing her toddler cousin did. She never asks or cares about anything going on in the lives of my kids. Meanwhile, she paid for college tuition for another grandchild, along with his summer camp, and SAT prep. She literally gave my kids one $20 bill to share last Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is a stocking cap?

Wow. Maybe read a book sometime.

Um, a stocking cap is some Diceknsian shyt and people don't wear those anymore. I'm very well-read. Just because I know what a penny-farthing is doesn't mean you see them rolling around these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this dynamic except it’s my MIL babysitting infant/toddler niece and nephew full-time. The parents both work full-time and don’t have to pay childcare. That’s a huge chunk of change of free labor they’re getting. In-laws had wanted to travel but have no time to do so. They also spend their weekends watching the kids so the parents can go on a date or go away for the weekend. I’m jealous and annoyed that I didn’t get such help when my kids were young and that my kids have zero relationship with them as young adults. I am resentful and it has absolutely impacted my relationship with MIL and the niece/nephew family.

MIL is a grown-ass adult and gets to choose how to spend her time and energy. You’re resentful because you didn’t get what someone else got, as in you had exactly the same expectations! LOL, that’s rich.

NP here. Kick rocks. you must be the adult who monopolizes all the grandparent time and wants to justify it. Whatever.

Awww, you tried it! My parents live 10 hours away; my ILs live 5 hours away. They have each babysat overnight exactly twice, and they have each stayed with the kids while DH and I went out to dinner maybe 6 times each in 10 years. We happily pay for excellent daycare, aftercare, and camps. But I know hypocrisy when I see it, and PP resenting the exact help she feels she is owed is, indeed, rich.

[Anonymous]

Your sister who cancelled on you has poor boundaries and I would not make plans with her again. if she reaches out to you, I would either make plans where you don't care if she shows up-go someplace you would go anyway or make it clear you consider cancelling for illness a real excuse not suddenly needing to help a capable sibling.

You cannot control their choices, you can just protect yourself. My mom and sister and very co-dependent. I think it's unhealthy, but it's their lives. I think my mother enables my sister, but it's her choice. I just set my own boundaries and let them do their dance and figure things out for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Everyone saying you can’t do anything about it of course correct, and your only option is to work on your own feelings about it. But I would be just as annoyed and frustrated and resentful. Those dynamics are not normal and problematic.