Why am I do triggered?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 sisters and a brother.
I get along well with all of them.
Two of my sisters live close by each other and are very codependent and for some reason that is very triggering to me.
One is married with 2 kids, We will call her. Ann . And the other is married with no children. We will call her Belle.

Belle and her husband are constantly helping out Ann with the kids. Ann's husband is very much involved with the kuds but because Belle is so involved really is taking a back seat on a lot of parenting things. Example Belle and her husband will take the kids all day Saturday so Ann can get laundry done. Her husband plays video games and goes to the gym.

Ann always guilt trips belle into helping out and will call daily asking for help about something. Ann is very functional and has a well-paying job so does her husband.
It's very triggering for me to see this dynamic of Ann taking advantage of Belle and Belle enabling the behavior.
We were supposed to meet up with Belle aer husband at a brewery last weekend about an hour drive from both of our houses. They bailed the last minute because Ann needed help with the kids at a mutual friends party.

Or other siblings have noticed this as well but don't see this triggered by it as I am. It's getting to the point where I hate talking to either of them because to me this behavior is so toxic and is driving a wedge between Ann and her husband which only causes belle to help out more

[Anonymous]

You need to be less involved.

[Anonymous]

Not your business, except to the extent it affects your plans with b. Focus on the cancellation of plans, not the help she gives at other times. If you can't do that, therapy can help. Are you jealous b isn't helping you?

[Anonymous]

Op here.
My kids are older so really don't need any type of help from any family members at this point. Perhaps I subconsciously feel like we didn't get the support when our kids were little but that's been over a decade and to be honest never really asked for help from anyone because we didn't really need it. I'm sure they would have helped if we had asked, so I'm not sure that's it but I guess it could be.

I agree that it's their business. It's just hard to watch that dynamic that they have going on between each other and their husbands. Ann has even joked to Belle that She better not have kids anytime soon because Ann doesn't know what she would do without her. Bell's husband 100% wants kids ASAP. Been married for 4 years.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing with co-dependent relationships: everybody's getting something out of it. Whether you see it or not, whether it's healthy or not. Belle might like to feel needed, wanted, and relied-upon. Whatever. She can explore that with a therapist, or not, none of your concern.

You need therapy to deal with why you are so triggered and bothered.

[Anonymous]

What does triggered mean?

[Anonymous]

What does "Ann is very functional" mean????

[Anonymous]

One imagines Belle loves the kids and *wants* to be involved??

I don’t have this dynamic with a sibling but my in laws are incredibly involved with my kids, in ways DCUM thinks is exploitative of the elderly. But if I tried to get them to spend less time helping they’d be furious. MIL texted me last week upset because she hadn’t seen the kids 3 days in a row.

Anyway butt out.

[Anonymous]

Is Belle doing this because she doesn’t have kids of her own?

[Anonymous]

OP again.
By triggered I mean I hate being around the two of them together for making plans with them. If I make plans with Ann, I almost have to make sure that Belle is free first to watch the kids because that is who she will ask instead of having her husband parent.
If I make plans with Belle I have to make sure first they Ann does not need her to watch the kids. It's exhausting and I think I'm done. It's sad because I have a great relationship with both of them, but the three of us can never do anything since Ann won't leave the kids with her husband for more than an hour. He has a well paying job and younger siblings and nieces and nephews and from everything I have seen and that Belle has said he is a great involved parent when Ann lets him.
She likes things done a certain way and does not like that he handles situations differently than she would. Part of it is she can strong our bell and to doing and reacting exactly how she wants but she can't do that with her husband necessarily. Small things like reading three books at bedtime instead of just one. For wearing the green stocking cap to go on a walk instead of the brown one.

I haven't said anything to them which is why I'm probably venting here and realize it's not my monkeys and not my circus. But it does feel good just to get it out there.

[Anonymous]

You’re triggered because it’s affecting you, and that makes you think about other ways it could be handled and delve deeper into their dynamics than if it was some distant happening that didn’t affect your life. A & B have their own thing going on, and their husbands can live with things as they are or learn to manage their relationships. It sucks to watch people you care about do dumb stuff but there’s absolutely nothing you can say that wouldn’t come off as manipulative that could even have a chance of changing their dynamics. If B can’t handle simple choices like prioritizing her marriage over babysitting her nieces and nephews, maybe she’s not really ready for parenthood. Her husband presumably sees what’s happening and can choose to wait for her to quit delaying starting their own family because she’s too enmeshed with her sister’s family, or he can choose another path. If he’s on that particular fence, I doubt another sister inserting herself into their relationship will be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Wtf is a stocking cap?

[Anonymous]

OP even for dcum, this is pretty stupid. Your sisters are both happy, your childless sister sees her nieces and nephews all the time, and she’s not financially dependent on doing that or being held to it in some other nefarious way. You’re considering cutting your sisters off because you don’t like that one babysits for the other and that they are sometimes busy?

[Anonymous]

I have a similar dynamic in my family. My stepmother does anything and everything for her daughter, including babysitting all the time and basically making her daughters life so easy and amazing. I’m not triggered but I am jealous as hell. My own mother, and separately my father, don’t ever do anything similar for me and i get no breaks from my kids.

Do you have kids OP? Could you be feeling jealous / envious of Ann because you don’t have someone like Belle making your life a lot easier?

[Anonymous]

Triggered??