How are kids doing post divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Divorce is harder when kids are teenagers. Boys also usually act out. There are a lot of studies on this.
Divorces that are not high conflict and just want to put the kids first and not fight over every single thing are usually much easier on everyone including the kids. I’ve read that girls tend to fare better and kids usually do much better if they are under the age of 12. I personally think a divorce with an only child would be much more difficult than a divorce with a sibling when you can go through the experience together. In my experience the whole thing was pretty uneventful and seamless and my kids are perfectly happy and are exactly the same as before. But I have two girls and my kids are the same age as OP’s kids. We also did not tell them until everything was done and there was a place for them to live it was different we were not going to tell them “we’re getting a divorce but we don’t know what’s gonna happen”; we told them and all the details were sorted out so they did not have any anxiety about what was going to happen because we already had the solution.

You seem pretty invested in believing that your kids find the divorce to be a non-event. Wait until they are a little older - they will become much better at expressing their resentments. You may have handled this in the best possible way, but that does not change the fact that it changed their lives and will continue to impact them even as adults. Your narrative doesn’t seem to allow any room for their feelings, only what you want their feelings to be.

I believe this poster has posted before. If so, they are very, very committed to this narrative of it being a nonevent and there is truly no room for genuine feelings the kids may be having. It really sounds like the same poster. Unfortunately it’s more likely ops kids can sense mom needs them to say everything is a-ok 100% of them time and there isn’t a lot of space for difficult feelings. Truly any kid would have a mix of feelings, even if it is all for the best and done in a healthy way, so anyone insisting the children had zero feelings about it probably isn’t making space for those.

[Anonymous]

There is more than one poster in this thread whose kids have done well. I'm one of them, and I'm not the quoted one above. My kids have done well, I know you want me to say oh it's awful and messed up, but in fact they're not and our lives are going along well.

[Anonymous]

2 years into things and for now things are better off emotionally. The first year was very hard on everyone involved. Our 7 year old was very sad and angry. We are now in a much better place. I check-in with her regularly and recently she mentioned that she thinks I'm a good mom because I've become such great friends with her dad. We used to fight constantly when married, and my daughter being around that is the reason I called it quits. I'm glad she gets to see us in a functional relationship now. We even occasionally do family outings which has been great for continuity. There are economic costs to divorce however that could impact her. We are both trying our hardest to mitigate those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Divorce is harder when kids are teenagers. Boys also usually act out. There are a lot of studies on this.
Divorces that are not high conflict and just want to put the kids first and not fight over every single thing are usually much easier on everyone including the kids. I’ve read that girls tend to fare better and kids usually do much better if they are under the age of 12. I personally think a divorce with an only child would be much more difficult than a divorce with a sibling when you can go through the experience together. In my experience the whole thing was pretty uneventful and seamless and my kids are perfectly happy and are exactly the same as before. But I have two girls and my kids are the same age as OP’s kids. We also did not tell them until everything was done and there was a place for them to live it was different we were not going to tell them “we’re getting a divorce but we don’t know what’s gonna happen”; we told them and all the details were sorted out so they did not have any anxiety about what was going to happen because we already had the solution.

You seem pretty invested in believing that your kids find the divorce to be a non-event. Wait until they are a little older - they will become much better at expressing their resentments. You may have handled this in the best possible way, but that does not change the fact that it changed their lives and will continue to impact them even as adults. Your narrative doesn’t seem to allow any room for their feelings, only what you want their feelings to be.

I believe this poster has posted before. If so, they are very, very committed to this narrative of it being a nonevent and there is truly no room for genuine feelings the kids may be having. It really sounds like the same poster. Unfortunately it’s more likely ops kids can sense mom needs them to say everything is a-ok 100% of them time and there isn’t a lot of space for difficult feelings. Truly any kid would have a mix of feelings, even if it is all for the best and done in a healthy way, so anyone insisting the children had zero feelings about it probably isn’t making space for those.

This. Being a child of divorce means being really careful about whether to reveal your true feelings, because there can be massive blowback if you do. The adults are very defensive of their choices and invested in the idea that the divorce isn't harmful, and will react negatively to anything that contradicts that.

OP, why are you asking about months? Your children are going to be children of divorce for their entire lives. The hardest parts can be during adulthood, especially older adulthood. Play the long game. They're not going to be "over it" in a year-- they might seem to be more okay with it than they actually are, or not fully understand what it means to be a child of divorce, and the real trouble comes when they are teenagers or young adults.

If there are any secrets (affairs or whatever), consider whether you'd like them to learn the truth from their parents before they learn it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, and also read Stepmonster if you think a step-parent is possible in the near term.

Keep your eyes wide open and refrain from self-delusion and wishful thinking.

[Anonymous]

As someone whose parents divorced when I was a teen, I don't think there's any way to avoid impact to your kids. You can do your best to minimize it, but I think the effects are long-lasting. 30 years later, I still deal with the fall-out of dividing time with parents in separate households and getting along with step-parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughters do not see this coming. Do not go into this conversation thinking they do.

+1

I was 9 when my parents split and had absolutely no clue it was coming. There most certainty was tension between my parents, but that was all I knew, so it's not like I even really processed it at the time. Children are also developmentally self-centered and don't really understand romantic relationships at that age; it's just your family unit. My sister and I likely seemed "fine" on the outside to my parents. And I put on a happy face because, after years of therapy and processing, I didn't want to be a further burden on my mom when she was clearly going through a lot.

What has helped me gain deeper understanding of the emotional impact I felt from my parents' divorce was a study my therapist flagged about how high conflict divorces can actually have a less negative impact on kids' future development and their own relationship patterns vs. lower conflict ones. If there's active fighting and yelling, children can more simplistically grasp that it isn't a good situation and that mommy and daddy are happier apart.

But if the divorce seemingly comes "out of nowhere" - no matter how old kids are, really - it can feel especially confusing because everything seemed relatively fine on the surface, and then the rug was pulled out. It can lead to both conscious and unconscious trust issues and lots of self-questioning and second guessing as those children grow up. My sister, then 12 and now 40, has never married (marriage isn't for everyone, but she says she would like to - and one day she might), and and I've had a series of rocky relationships filled with my own trust issues, although I'm doing much better now.

That realization, again, along with years of therapy, gave me a helpful angle in which I could further digest the impact of my parents' divorce, because I had also felt guilty for years that I was clearly struggling with healthy relationships in my adulthood even though their split was relatively "easy," they tried so hard to co-parent amicably, and I, too, worked hard to convince myself that I was fine by "staying strong" for my mom. Sorry I can't provide better actionable help, OP, but I would gently recommend you to find a counselor for your girls during this transition, and continue to encourage them to seek therapy as they grow into young adults. Even if it seems like they're doing alright a few months or years from now, there can be a lot going on under the surface.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not PP but have a similar outcome. I think it depends a lot whether it was a high conflict divorce, if kids discovered adultery, witnessed abuse, immediately had to deal with step parents etc. My divorce was very high conflict: son was 13 when we got separated. Took 2 years to finalize while living under same roof (exH restricted my accounts until lawyers reached an agreement). Now at 16 son shut down emotionally, has no friends, and completely went into his studies not talking much to either parent. He lives mostly with me. His grades improved dramatically since I moved out from exH, but my son is very emotionally stunned and refuses therapy

Divorce is harder when kids are teenagers. Boys also usually act out. There are a lot of studies on this.
Divorces that are not high conflict and just want to put the kids first and not fight over every single thing are usually much easier on everyone including the kids. I’ve read that girls tend to fare better and kids usually do much better if they are under the age of 12. I personally think a divorce with an only child would be much more difficult than a divorce with a sibling when you can go through the experience together. In my experience the whole thing was pretty uneventful and seamless and my kids are perfectly happy and are exactly the same as before. But I have two girls and my kids are the same age as OP’s kids. We also did not tell them until everything was done and there was a place for them to live it was different we were not going to tell them “we’re getting a divorce but we don’t know what’s gonna happen”; we told them and all the details were sorted out so they did not have any anxiety about what was going to happen because we already had the solution.

Neither of us (my son and I) could avoid conflict as I had no funds/assets of my own until I secured a job and attorneys worked out an agreement. It's not that rosy when you're dealing with a deranged adulterous ex who also doesn't want a divorce and controls all family moves under one roof. We felt hostage and it was a relief to being able live separately. Son suffers from "hostage syndrome": he tells me that just wants to forget dad's behavior and believe that dad loves him. Then he stays with dad for couple days, they fight and it's like touching the same sore spot again. Ups and downs continue even after divorce but I am not able to avoid it

There is a difference between kids getting hurt by the divorce and kids getting hurt by the same things that caused the divorce. From your description, it seems your case is the latter. Your ex's behavior caused the divorce, and I am not convinced your son would be better off if you decided to stay.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the input from those who have actually been through this.

We already have our family therapy session scheduled for a week after our planned talk with our daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughters do not see this coming. Do not go into this conversation thinking they do.

That’s what I was thinking! It probably never crossed their mind. They’re so young, plus OP said they don’t argue in front of kids…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the input from those who have actually been through this.

We already have our family therapy session scheduled for a week after our planned talk with our daughters.

You should be prepared for them to resent both of you later on in life, while its not guaranteed that they will it is a very strong possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the input from those who have actually been through this.

We already have our family therapy session scheduled for a week after our planned talk with our daughters.

You should be prepared for them to resent both of you later on in life, while its not guaranteed that they will it is a very strong possibility.

Oh, come on. I know plenty of adults in their 40s (my age group) whose parents are divorced - no one resents their parents unless the parents are highly problematic, as in alcoholics constantly asking for money, that kind of problematic. And there is no guarantee that the kids won't resent you later in life for being a door mat with the other parent or for destroying your mental health by staying married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the input from those who have actually been through this.

We already have our family therapy session scheduled for a week after our planned talk with our daughters.

You should be prepared for them to resent both of you later on in life, while its not guaranteed that they will it is a very strong possibility.

Oh, come on. I know plenty of adults in their 40s (my age group) whose parents are divorced - no one resents their parents unless the parents are highly problematic, as in alcoholics constantly asking for money, that kind of problematic. And there is no guarantee that the kids won't resent you later in life for being a door mat with the other parent or for destroying your mental health by staying married.

and i know of plenty of people my self included who resent their parents for the disruption caused by having to split their lives between 2 homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the input from those who have actually been through this.

We already have our family therapy session scheduled for a week after our planned talk with our daughters.

You should be prepared for them to resent both of you later on in life, while its not guaranteed that they will it is a very strong possibility.

Oh, come on. I know plenty of adults in their 40s (my age group) whose parents are divorced - no one resents their parents unless the parents are highly problematic, as in alcoholics constantly asking for money, that kind of problematic. And there is no guarantee that the kids won't resent you later in life for being a door mat with the other parent or for destroying your mental health by staying married.

and i know of plenty of people my self included who resent their parents for the disruption caused by having to split their lives between 2 homes.

NP. I know plenty of people who resent their parents for 'staying together for the kids' leading to a toxic and tense home life, and issues between the now elderly parents that the 'kids' have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the input from those who have actually been through this.

We already have our family therapy session scheduled for a week after our planned talk with our daughters.

You should be prepared for them to resent both of you later on in life, while its not guaranteed that they will it is a very strong possibility.

Oh, come on. I know plenty of adults in their 40s (my age group) whose parents are divorced - no one resents their parents unless the parents are highly problematic, as in alcoholics constantly asking for money, that kind of problematic. And there is no guarantee that the kids won't resent you later in life for being a door mat with the other parent or for destroying your mental health by staying married.

and i know of plenty of people my self included who resent their parents for the disruption caused by having to split their lives between 2 homes.

As if that’s the main issue with a divorce. I think you’d resent them regardless.