How are kids doing post divorce?

[Anonymous]

I feel like this topic has been covered but alas I can’t find it in the archives. We are telling our 8 and 11 year olds about the divorce in just a few days. I am extremely nervous. Yes, we are working with a therapist to do all the things to minimize damage. We are not high conflict right now though I’m fairly emotional. Daughters likely see this coming. We don’t openly fight but there’s clearly tension. Not really looking for insights about should we\shouldn’t we but more of how did your kids do 3,6,9, 12 months along the way?

[Anonymous]

Kids are eight and almost 11. Been divorced for two years and they are absolutely fine and were always absolutely fine. We told them mommy bought a new house and they literally said “great! can we go pack?”

We never fought in front of them in fact we’ve barely had any relationship whatsoever at all. One of us kept the house one of us moved nearby. It was pretty much a non-event. They’ve been fine the entire time. I don’t really think marriage matters that much… I think it’s all about the parents. If you can be civil in front of each other and even sometimes go to the same school activities together, it really is fine. Their only inconvenience is really switching houses but they told me that they don’t really mind having two houses at all and sometimes the switching is annoying but it’s really not that bad because we live minutes apart.

[Anonymous]

Horribly. My kid hasn't been the same since. Grades dipped, attitude is a mess, lack of motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Horribly. My kid hasn't been the same since. Grades dipped, attitude is a mess, lack of motivation.

PP here. How old is your kid? What is the gender and is this an only child? All of that info impacts things.

[Anonymous]

I am not PP but have a similar outcome. I think it depends a lot whether it was a high conflict divorce, if kids discovered adultery, witnessed abuse, immediately had to deal with step parents etc. My divorce was very high conflict: son was 13 when we got separated. Took 2 years to finalize while living under same roof (exH restricted my accounts until lawyers reached an agreement). Now at 16 son shut down emotionally, has no friends, and completely went into his studies not talking much to either parent. He lives mostly with me. His grades improved dramatically since I moved out from exH, but my son is very emotionally stunned and refuses therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not PP but have a similar outcome. I think it depends a lot whether it was a high conflict divorce, if kids discovered adultery, witnessed abuse, immediately had to deal with step parents etc. My divorce was very high conflict: son was 13 when we got separated. Took 2 years to finalize while living under same roof (exH restricted my accounts until lawyers reached an agreement). Now at 16 son shut down emotionally, has no friends, and completely went into his studies not talking much to either parent. He lives mostly with me. His grades improved dramatically since I moved out from exH, but my son is very emotionally stunned and refuses therapy

I'm the PP and my story is very similar. He has tons of friends, but has gotten into trouble I just know he would've steered clear from if his father was still in the home. Also has refused therapy. We tried for a while, but he shut down during sessions and doesn't feel like it's helpful. People always shout "therapy, therapy" when it comes to children who are experiencing divorce, but it only works if the child participates. It's not always easy with teens.

[Anonymous]

Single parent now. My ex was abusive and addicted and left. Family and friends stepped in to help and kids are doing pretty well considering. It really helps not having a lot fall through the cracks. Since he was so out of sorts the house is almost run better now. Both teens. We are trying therapy for some remaining issues but they were there before the divorce too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not PP but have a similar outcome. I think it depends a lot whether it was a high conflict divorce, if kids discovered adultery, witnessed abuse, immediately had to deal with step parents etc. My divorce was very high conflict: son was 13 when we got separated. Took 2 years to finalize while living under same roof (exH restricted my accounts until lawyers reached an agreement). Now at 16 son shut down emotionally, has no friends, and completely went into his studies not talking much to either parent. He lives mostly with me. His grades improved dramatically since I moved out from exH, but my son is very emotionally stunned and refuses therapy

Divorce is harder when kids are teenagers. Boys also usually act out. There are a lot of studies on this.
Divorces that are not high conflict and just want to put the kids first and not fight over every single thing are usually much easier on everyone including the kids. I’ve read that girls tend to fare better and kids usually do much better if they are under the age of 12. I personally think a divorce with an only child would be much more difficult than a divorce with a sibling when you can go through the experience together. In my experience the whole thing was pretty uneventful and seamless and my kids are perfectly happy and are exactly the same as before. But I have two girls and my kids are the same age as OP’s kids. We also did not tell them until everything was done and there was a place for them to live it was different we were not going to tell them “we’re getting a divorce but we don’t know what’s gonna happen”; we told them and all the details were sorted out so they did not have any anxiety about what was going to happen because we already had the solution.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is harder when kids are teenagers. Boys also usually act out. There are a lot of studies on this.
Divorces that are not high conflict and just want to put the kids first and not fight over every single thing are usually much easier on everyone including the kids. I’ve read that girls tend to fare better and kids usually do much better if they are under the age of 12. I personally think a divorce with an only child would be much more difficult than a divorce with a sibling when you can go through the experience together. In my experience the whole thing was pretty uneventful and seamless and my kids are perfectly happy and are exactly the same as before. But I have two girls and my kids are the same age as OP’s kids. We also did not tell them until everything was done and there was a place for them to live it was different we were not going to tell them “we’re getting a divorce but we don’t know what’s gonna happen”; we told them and all the details were sorted out so they did not have any anxiety about what was going to happen because we already had the solution.

You seem pretty invested in believing that your kids find the divorce to be a non-event. Wait until they are a little older - they will become much better at expressing their resentments. You may have handled this in the best possible way, but that does not change the fact that it changed their lives and will continue to impact them even as adults. Your narrative doesn’t seem to allow any room for their feelings, only what you want their feelings to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not PP but have a similar outcome. I think it depends a lot whether it was a high conflict divorce, if kids discovered adultery, witnessed abuse, immediately had to deal with step parents etc. My divorce was very high conflict: son was 13 when we got separated. Took 2 years to finalize while living under same roof (exH restricted my accounts until lawyers reached an agreement). Now at 16 son shut down emotionally, has no friends, and completely went into his studies not talking much to either parent. He lives mostly with me. His grades improved dramatically since I moved out from exH, but my son is very emotionally stunned and refuses therapy

Divorce is harder when kids are teenagers. Boys also usually act out. There are a lot of studies on this.
Divorces that are not high conflict and just want to put the kids first and not fight over every single thing are usually much easier on everyone including the kids. I’ve read that girls tend to fare better and kids usually do much better if they are under the age of 12. I personally think a divorce with an only child would be much more difficult than a divorce with a sibling when you can go through the experience together. In my experience the whole thing was pretty uneventful and seamless and my kids are perfectly happy and are exactly the same as before. But I have two girls and my kids are the same age as OP’s kids. We also did not tell them until everything was done and there was a place for them to live it was different we were not going to tell them “we’re getting a divorce but we don’t know what’s gonna happen”; we told them and all the details were sorted out so they did not have any anxiety about what was going to happen because we already had the solution.

Neither of us (my son and I) could avoid conflict as I had no funds/assets of my own until I secured a job and attorneys worked out an agreement. It's not that rosy when you're dealing with a deranged adulterous ex who also doesn't want a divorce and controls all family moves under one roof. We felt hostage and it was a relief to being able live separately. Son suffers from "hostage syndrome": he tells me that just wants to forget dad's behavior and believe that dad loves him. Then he stays with dad for couple days, they fight and it's like touching the same sore spot again. Ups and downs continue even after divorce but I am not able to avoid it

[Anonymous]

Very badly for the first 2 years but much better now that he doesn't have to deal with a visitation schedule.

[Anonymous]

My daughters were 3 and 7 when we separated and ex husband moved out. They are 7 and 11 now. It's been ok. There was a period of time where I stayed in the house, and ex moved into a shitty apartment. I know he drank a lot on his own time (always a sticking point in our marriage). Within a year of separation, we finalized the divorce, sold the house, and both moved 30 minutes closer to work. We each own our own small houses one mile apart. He took a job that involved a ton of travel, I have been the main parent for years. We coparent amicably for the most part. He just moved into his girlfriend's house (farther away). He also introduced her into the kids lives after dating only 4 months. She's nice, but knowing his track record with women, I'm unhappy that he has moved the kids in there. I don't want them to go through a breakup. It wouldn't matter so much, except he has moved them into her house and placed her in a stepmom role. They consider my house "home" and seem relieved to be back with me on my custody days. Our house is totally a girl house. They always have friends over, we have movie nights, our weekends are relaxing and walking the dog to get donuts, going to the park, etc. I work like a dog when they arent with me, so that when I have them, we have quality time together. I have a boyfriend, but I date on my own time and keep that completely away from the kids. I'm not ready to add any complications to their lives. We are trying to make it feel more stable for them by doing 2 nights with me, 2 with dad, and then each parent gets Fri, Sat, Sun every other week. So the kids get a 5.day block with one parent. I hope this makes them feel less transient. Of course, he's out of town again, so I have them until he graces us with his presence. I have done my best to make their life normal and stable when they are with me. I never wanted to put them through a divorce, and it was really heartbreaking for all of us. I'd prefer to have an intact family, but that wasn't possible, so we have made the best of it.

[Anonymous]

My kids were older 18, 20, 21. The two older boys seem to be ok, but as a PP noted, sometimes it’s tough to tell what the long term affect will be. My 18 daughter has had a really hard time. It was too much change, too fast for her with starting college, selling the only house she grew up in, moving, split homes, a rocky relationship with her mom, etc. My advice: find a good therapist for the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, your daughters do not see this coming. Do not go into this conversation thinking they do.

[Anonymous]

My dc is 7, and doing really well. Divorce was 7 months ago, told dc about 6 months before.

I think it helped a lot in our case in that dc stayed in the same school and routines for the most part. I sold ex the house and moved nearby. We do 2-2-5 so having the set weekdays has been good for dc, they always know the plan. We're low conflict and can communicate calmly so dc never sees any tension-unlike in the marriage.

One thing I think has helped is that I'm always positive about dc's time with ex, for example 'oh you guys are going to the zoo? I know you like that, have fun!'

Our dc does not tote anything back and forth (other than their school bag). At first, dc wanted to bring things back and forth-and we were fine with that-but after a month or so they were used to the schedule and that faded away, although we're more than happy to pick up/drop off something if they want. I think that helps with happiness too.