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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, your daughters do not see this coming. Do not go into this conversation thinking they do. [/quote]

I was 9 when my parents split and had absolutely no clue it was coming. There most certainty was tension between my parents, but that was all I knew, so it's not like I even really processed it at the time. Children are also developmentally self-centered and don't really understand romantic relationships at that age; it's just your family unit. My sister and I likely seemed "fine" on the outside to my parents. And I put on a happy face because, after years of therapy and processing, I didn't want to be a further burden on my mom when she was clearly going through a lot.

What has helped me gain deeper understanding of the emotional impact I felt from my parents' divorce was a study my therapist flagged about how high conflict divorces can actually have a less negative impact on kids' future development and their own relationship patterns vs. lower conflict ones. If there's active fighting and yelling, children can more simplistically grasp that it isn't a good situation and that mommy and daddy are happier apart.

But if the divorce seemingly comes "out of nowhere" - no matter how old kids are, really - it can feel especially confusing because everything seemed relatively fine on the surface, and then the rug was pulled out. It can lead to both conscious and unconscious trust issues and lots of self-questioning and second guessing as those children grow up. My sister, then 12 and now 40, has never married (marriage isn't for everyone, but she says she would like to - and one day she might), and and I've had a series of rocky relationships filled with my own trust issues, although I'm doing much better now.

That realization, again, along with years of therapy, gave me a helpful angle in which I could further digest the impact of my parents' divorce, because I had also felt guilty for years that I was clearly struggling with healthy relationships in my adulthood even though their split was relatively "easy," they tried so hard to co-parent amicably, and I, too, worked hard to convince myself that I was fine by "staying strong" for my mom. Sorry I can't provide better actionable help, OP, but I would gently recommend you to find a counselor for your girls during this transition, and continue to encourage them to seek therapy as they grow into young adults. Even if it seems like they're doing alright a few months or years from now, there can be a lot going on under the surface.[/quote]

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