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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am not PP but have a similar outcome. I think it depends a lot whether it was a high conflict divorce, if kids discovered adultery, witnessed abuse, immediately had to deal with step parents etc. My divorce was very high conflict: son was 13 when we got separated. Took 2 years to finalize while living under same roof (exH restricted my accounts until lawyers reached an agreement). Now at 16 son shut down emotionally, has no friends, and completely went into his studies not talking much to either parent. He lives mostly with me. His grades improved dramatically since I moved out from exH, but my son is very emotionally stunned and refuses therapy[/quote]

Divorce is harder when kids are teenagers. Boys also usually act out. There are a lot of studies on this. 
Divorces that are not high conflict and just want to put the kids first and not fight over every single thing are usually much easier on everyone including the kids. I’ve read that girls tend to fare better and kids usually do much better if they are under the age of 12. I personally think a divorce with an only child would be much more difficult than a divorce with a sibling when you can go through the experience together. In my experience the whole thing was pretty uneventful and seamless and my kids are perfectly happy and are exactly the same as before. But I have two girls and my kids are the same age as OP’s kids. We also did not tell them until everything was done and there was a place for them to live it was different we were not going to tell them “we’re getting a divorce but we don’t know what’s gonna happen”; we told them and all the details were sorted out so they did not have any anxiety about what was going to happen because we already had the solution. [/quote]

Neither of us (my son and I) could avoid conflict as I had no funds/assets of my own until I secured a job and attorneys worked out an agreement. It's not that rosy when you're dealing with a deranged adulterous ex who also doesn't want a divorce and controls all family moves under one roof. We felt hostage and it was a relief to being able live separately. Son suffers from "hostage syndrome": he tells me that just wants to forget dad's behavior and believe that dad loves him. Then he stays with dad for couple days, they fight and it's like touching the same sore spot again. Ups and downs continue even after divorce but I am not able to avoid it[/quote]

There is a difference between kids getting hurt by the divorce and kids getting hurt by the same things that caused the divorce.  From your description, it seems your case is the latter.  Your ex's behavior caused the divorce, and I am not convinced your son would be better off if you decided to stay.

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