How are kids doing post divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the input from those who have actually been through this.

We already have our family therapy session scheduled for a week after our planned talk with our daughters.

You should be prepared for them to resent both of you later on in life, while its not guaranteed that they will it is a very strong possibility.

Oh, come on. I know plenty of adults in their 40s (my age group) whose parents are divorced - no one resents their parents unless the parents are highly problematic, as in alcoholics constantly asking for money, that kind of problematic. And there is no guarantee that the kids won't resent you later in life for being a door mat with the other parent or for destroying your mental health by staying married.

and i know of plenty of people my self included who resent their parents for the disruption caused by having to split their lives between 2 homes.

As if that’s the main issue with a divorce. I think you’d resent them regardless.

That is the main issue with divorce, and i wouldn't have a problem with them if they had simply allowed me to opt out of visitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the input from those who have actually been through this.

We already have our family therapy session scheduled for a week after our planned talk with our daughters.

You should be prepared for them to resent both of you later on in life, while its not guaranteed that they will it is a very strong possibility.

Oh, come on. I know plenty of adults in their 40s (my age group) whose parents are divorced - no one resents their parents unless the parents are highly problematic, as in alcoholics constantly asking for money, that kind of problematic. And there is no guarantee that the kids won't resent you later in life for being a door mat with the other parent or for destroying your mental health by staying married.

and i know of plenty of people my self included who resent their parents for the disruption caused by having to split their lives between 2 homes.

As if that’s the main issue with a divorce. I think you’d resent them regardless.

That is the main issue with divorce, and i wouldn't have a problem with them if they had simply allowed me to opt out of visitations.

Lol. Divorce is between two people, not the kids. How parents work it out is on them and the kids. Sorry you didn’t have a say but if they were married you also wouldn’t have a say. You could have had to live with a parent say that abused you and your other parent out of spite. You really don’t know the issues that might have arised if they stayed together. If your biggest issue was sharing two houses it sounds like you had two competent parents who both were able to provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are eight and almost 11. Been divorced for two years and they are absolutely fine and were always absolutely fine. We told them mommy bought a new house and they literally said “great! can we go pack?”

We never fought in front of them in fact we’ve barely had any relationship whatsoever at all. One of us kept the house one of us moved nearby. It was pretty much a non-event. They’ve been fine the entire time. I don’t really think marriage matters that much… I think it’s all about the parents. If you can be civil in front of each other and even sometimes go to the same school activities together, it really is fine. Their only inconvenience is really switching houses but they told me that they don’t really mind having two houses at all and sometimes the switching is annoying but it’s really not that bad because we live minutes apart.

I would consider yourself extremely, extremely lucky. My sibling has had like the lowest conflict separation one could think of, both parents are incredibly dedicated to their two daughters (and always have been), and the girls don't like the new house or the new situation at all.

I agree high conflict and trauma obviously up the stakes, but it's perfectly natural for kids to be upset, act out, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Terrible selfish people doing this to their children. Vows are suggestions to them.

Fine but the person stuck with the selfish person who turns around after marriage and treats them like dirt does not have to live in an abusive situation just because the kids don't want to travel to two houses as if that's the biggest danger in all of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughters do not see this coming. Do not go into this conversation thinking they do.

+1 What a horrible, self-centered attitude.

[Anonymous]

I think people who always think you can forsee the future lead very sheltered lives and are on here because they have nothing better to do. Anyone that has lived has loved and lost something that they didn't expect.

[Anonymous]

News flash: kids blame parents for the most frivolous, imagined slights as well as more traumatic events. No one lives the same experience the same way.

As a parent, you just do the best you can.

It helps when everyone is reasonable, but in divorce, that’s rarely the case.

[Anonymous]

My kids did really well. The older ones , 9 and 12, were very relieved. We moved out - from a suburban house to a 2 bedroom apartment, and I put the two little ones in my bedroom and the older two shared their own bedroom. That was four people (youngest was in diapers) sharing a bathroom. So they complained about things like that, and about space. But overall they were happier.

[Anonymous]

I have an only child. My son was 14 when we told him about the plans to divorce. It was out of the blue and very confusing for him because we appeared to get along well. The year we were separated was hard for him. His dad started openly dating immediately and brought random women around which made him uncomfortable. My relationship with my son got incredibly strong during that time which continues to today.

He’s in college now and doing really well. He’s told me that the divorce was the best thing to happen to him. My XH remarried and has a new family. My son adores his half-sibling and his step-mom is really nice to him and treats him very well. I’m happy in my life, his dad is happy and my son is happy. I visit him in college any time he invites me and am thrilled to do it. He’s found his people, is loving school and has found his place among his fraternity brothers. It was a rough time in early high school but he’s happier than I’d have imagined.

Where he struggles is with meaningful relationships. He dates around (had one serious girlfriend in high school) but I think he has a hard time with the trust that’s needed to maintain a relationship. I do feel as though it’s the result of watching us divorce. We seemed fine from the outside, but obviously we weren’t. He puts up a wall to keep people from getting too close. I personally think he’s scared of getting close to someone else. And I’m sad for him and truly hoping he starts letting his guard down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this topic has been covered but alas I can’t find it in the archives. We are telling our 8 and 11 year olds about the divorce in just a few days. I am extremely nervous. Yes, we are working with a therapist to do all the things to minimize damage. We are not high conflict right now though I’m fairly emotional. Daughters likely see this coming. We don’t openly fight but there’s clearly tension. Not really looking for insights about should we\shouldn’t we but more of how did your kids do 3,6,9, 12 months along the way?

Increced risk of your children getting divorced, should be your concern.

[Anonymous]

^Increased...

[Anonymous]

Divorce has an impact. It's often generational. Many people posting saying their kids are doing great likely only look at the surface level impact or superficial things.

I've lived through my parent divorcing 3 times. My parent would say I'm fine. I would say im fine overall. My approach to relationships and people has been affected. I recognize that things don't last forever. I never went into my own marriage thinking it would last. Things don't have a sense of permanence to me. I'm not as trusting. My spouses parents were married 40 years. He went into marriage a lot more optimistic than I did.

I'm a successful adult with a job, home and I travel

Someone from a broken home is likely to divorce or never marry. Their kids continue the cycle most times.

I'm not anti divorce but obviously people saying there is no impact are in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this topic has been covered but alas I can’t find it in the archives. We are telling our 8 and 11 year olds about the divorce in just a few days. I am extremely nervous. Yes, we are working with a therapist to do all the things to minimize damage. We are not high conflict right now though I’m fairly emotional. Daughters likely see this coming. We don’t openly fight but there’s clearly tension. Not really looking for insights about should we\shouldn’t we but more of how did your kids do 3,6,9, 12 months along the way?

It messed my kids up more than I realized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this topic has been covered but alas I can’t find it in the archives. We are telling our 8 and 11 year olds about the divorce in just a few days. I am extremely nervous. Yes, we are working with a therapist to do all the things to minimize damage. We are not high conflict right now though I’m fairly emotional. Daughters likely see this coming. We don’t openly fight but there’s clearly tension. Not really looking for insights about should we\shouldn’t we but more of how did your kids do 3,6,9, 12 months along the way?

Increced risk of your children getting divorced, should be your concern.

I've learned though that staying in a bad marriage has the same effect. I've noticed generational trauma passed down but previously with intact families. I don't think it's better. Both of my grandparents were abusers of each other and otherw but stayed married and hated each other so what does it really matter whether they stayed married or not? Everyone knew they hated each other and no one liked them in the family. And in some ways they passed down the trauma quicker because their kids weren't as apt to think the behavior was bad because the parents stayed together.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I regret getting one, but it wasn't going to work. My kids are not very good. My 5 year has a short term memory and keeps asking to see him, which just makes her sadder. Teacher tells me my nine year old is lonely at school and keep to herself. I am just hanging in there for right now.