Reply to I feel like I have forced myself to a crossroads

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just set the relationship aside. Don't lock the door, just close it. Cutting off your mother is a huge deal. The posters who say they aren't losing anything by cutting off their mother are kidding themselves. The loss is profound. You are only giving yourself another trauma to deal with by cutting off your mom.

Relationships are like ladders -- you don't throw them away when you're done using them, you lean them against the wall for later.[/quote]

That trauma and loss happened a long time ago. I stay to prevent her trauma not my own[/quote]

You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationships is way more extreme than you acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.[/quote]

Sorry for the typos:
You don't know that. Absolute loss of the relationship is way more extreme than your acceptance that your mom is not a fantasy mom. It is a profound loss. You'd be better off learning how to handle your own emotions and not let her control them.[/quote]

NP but in many cases (not all!) this is BS. You can become as emotionally mature as is almost humanly possible, and the abuse can still take a toll. It's not strictly true that "If you wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else, you shouldn't tolerate it from your mother." She is your mother, and all that entails. But it is true at the point where the bad far, far outweighs the good, if it even exists at all.

It's further true that even if you still have a way to go in terms of "handling your own emotions and not letting her control them," that shouldn't preclude you from AT LEAST taking an indefinite break. You don't necessarily have to "earn" the right to cut off abuse just because, in theory or someday, you may have the capacity to let it bother you less. The facts are that the OP can't handle her mother's cruelty right now. It's completely fine to cut off the source of her distress while she "emotionally matures." In fact, it will be easier to get to the point where abusive behavior bothers her less if she's not constantly being subjected to it-- if she has some distance! And it's also fair to say that there may never-- and maybe SHOULD never-- come a time when some cruelties can be tolerated at all. It's not "being controlled by someone else" to be disturbed by something intended to disturb you. [/quote]

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