Reply to I feel like I have forced myself to a crossroads

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[quote=Anonymous]This is my mom too. Basically I have gradually stepped back. First I saw her less frequently and changed the subject more and she just got angrier and would get nasty on the phone. So, I saw her even less in person and limited phone calls. No matter how short the phone call she had to throw barbs. So I stopped calling and used text, but I found getting verbal daggers by text upsetting. Switched to email and I had a file just for her and only checked it when I could hand it.

The more life stressors that hit the more I saw she had little empathy and would tantrum and make it about her. After my husband had just gotten out of the hospital from a major health emergency and I got a nasty gram from her I had reached my limit. I set the final boundary that absolutely zero abuse would be tolerated. Didn't hear from her for maybe 4 or 5 months and it was easier to breathe. Now we just have a very distant relationship. Much, much better. She has always treated distant relatives better than she treats me. If she crosses the line into abuse again I will remind her of the boundary and not respond to any disrespect.

I have quite a few friends and relatives who repeatedly got sucked into the cycle of abuse with their moms like I did. What I saw is it took a toll on our healthy. When friends started having things like strokes, heart issues, etc and that was what forced major boundaries, I realized as part of preventative care I needed to have more boundaries and if she didn't accept them keep distancing. I am fortunate I did this before major health events.  Some parents truly will eat their own young to get their needs met.

The poster complaining about cut off are taking something complex and making it simple. Cut off as someone once on DCUM said it "death by a 1000 papercuts." You get therapy. You try strategies and you set boundaries. You chose battles and over a period of YEARS the relationship gets more and more toxic rather than less. Cut off is the last straw when you have tried everything and you health and sanity cannot take one more second of this BS. During my brief cutoff I was healthier. I am healthier with the distant relationship. I don't know anyone who cutoff out of the blue and the people i know who did it gradually over time seem happier.[/quote]

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