24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce

[Anonymous]

Is your DD an only child? They seem to have a harder time with divorce. Maybe because there are no siblings to bounce off of? Would she be willing to go to a few sessions of therapy? I think her blaming her father is her way of protecting you. She needs to hear from you that that is not her job.

[Anonymous]

There is clearly more to this and he took the blame for the divorce. You need to help fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is clearly more to this and he took the blame for the divorce. You need to help fix this.

Did he take the blame, or was his ego so fragile tha5 he couldn’t cope with people knowing he’d been dumped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is clearly more to this and he took the blame for the divorce. You need to help fix this.

Did he take the blame, or was his ego so fragile tha5 he couldn’t cope with people knowing he’d been dumped?

Wow, she should have taken responsibility, did not and he played nice guy and still gets crapped on.

[Anonymous]

Well, you did lie to her. I think you should tell her the truth. She is an adult and deserves to understand her own family dynamic accurately without being deceived by her parents. If your X His comfortable fibbing about this, what else is he lying to her about?

I also question whether your home life was as good and your divorce is as amicable as you say, just because it's so common for divorced parents to be in denial about that. In a healthy marriage you would have freedom and autonomy enough that you wouldn't need to divorce to get it.

At 24 she is probably wrapping her head around the idea that she'll be an ACOD for the rest of her life and be constantly having to deal with the hassle of it. It really never ends. First this girlfriend, she'll want to change things up and be making her own demands on your XH and it will affect your DD. Then you'll start dating and that'll be a whole thing on the other side. Then one of you will re-marry, maybe move, step-relatives will likely be a hassle in their own way. It's a pain. She's mourning the simple and straightforward life that she could have had. You may be fine with your XH dating, but you're not the one who has to have a new stepfamily. It's your DD who is affected, not you. Open your eyes.

[Anonymous]

Well, maybe your fake happy family wasn't as convincing as you thought it was. If things were bad enough that you want to get out of it, then it probably wasn't great for her ither. I would listen to her complaints with an open mind.

And +1 that parents dating will shake her. It's not because she thinks you mind! Stop thinking this is about you! It's because it's a new person forced into her family life that she has to adjust to, when she's already adjusting a lot, and who knows what may come of it-- new baby siblings, dad having a lot less time for her and her own children, aging dad being taken advantage of, chronic flavor of the month new girlfriends expecting the welcome wagon, who knows. It's a pain and if she doesn't like it she's a smart girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is clearly more to this and he took the blame for the divorce. You need to help fix this.

Did he take the blame, or was his ego so fragile tha5 he couldn’t cope with people knowing he’d been dumped?

Wow, she should have taken responsibility, did not and he played nice guy and still gets crapped on.

Sounds like OP is letting the Ex take the fall in all this. That doesn't seem fair. She knows her daughter doesn't have all the info but seems content to wash her hands of the mess she created.

[Anonymous]

My husband's parents divorced when he was 23 and he was pretty pissed. His parents seemed to think he should instantly accept their new significant others and their SO's children everytime he saw his parent. He was given no choice in who he was supposed to consider to be his family. He just wanted to come home to see his parents and sister, not a bunch of random strangers too. He also hated all of the pressure to ensure both parents got exactly equal amounts of his time and attention every single holiday.

I'd lay off your daughter. She's allowed to be pissed and she probably should be. You broke up her family. Your ex is going first by getting a SO, but I'd expect her to react negatively when you eventually do the same. While you may care about the new SO, don't expect her to do so. Take her relationship with them very slowly and don't force them on to her. If you include your SO in every gathering (or even most gatherings) with your daughter, she will feel like she's lost you to him and his family. Don't do that.

Also, stop lying to her about the reason your marriage broke up. When she blames your ex, correct her. Tell her that you wanted the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to at least tell her that you jointly decided to get a divorce based on longer term incompatibility and that her father didn't leave you so that he could date other women. You also need to show her that you are fine with the fact that he is dating, even if you aren't dating anyone.

Given what you described, the divorce probably came out of nowhere from her perspective and she is trying to navigate the world as an adult without the touchstone of her childhood family. It is going to be bumpy for awhile. She probably feels like she was lied to and she needs time to adjust. Continue to reassure her that you did have a happy family -- that wasn't a lie. And you and your ex both love her and continue to respect each other. Your decision to divorce isn't a reflection on the past, but rather your different desires for the future.

As much as you can, talk to her about what will stay the same and what will be changing in terms of things like holidays and family vacations/visits.

If your ex is suggesting that he spend time with DD, do not involve his new GF -- even if she is amazing, your DD isn't ready for that yet.

Good luck. My parents divorced when I was around your DD's age and it was bumpy for awhile, but we are now a very functional divorced family.

You have no idea what will stay the same. Don't make promises you can't keep. For all you know, your ex is going to spend every holiday with his new girlfriend's family. For all you know, you're going to remarry someone who has kids and every holiday will be spent with three middle school boys. Who knows.

If it was a happy family you wouldn't have divorced. You had a fake happy family that was secretly unhappy, and you, OP, chose to divorce and make her have to deal with it for the rest of your life. Own your choices, stop telling her everything is great, and she'll be a lot less mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I had an amicable, conflict-free divorce soon after our DD graduated from college. We're both much happier now. I asked for the divorce because our interests had diverged and I mostly wasn't interested in negotiating the rest of my life. I wanted more freedom and autonomy than I had while raising DD. Despite our reasons for splitting, I think we maintained a mostly healthy, happy home for our DD together. He was always an active, involved, responsible parent. My ex did not want to tell DD that I asked for the divorce because he said it was a joint decision. A couple months ago, when he announced he had a serious new partner, DD went ballistic at him. She blames him for all the unhappiness in the marriage in ways that I don't share and credits him with none of our good times. Our formerly happy and well-adjusted child now describes our home life as unrecognizably awful. DD and I still talk every few days but she has pretty much cut off communications with my ex. He writes her every week not expecting any response. I know it is making him miserable and he is desperate to reconnect with her. He reaches out to me when he really wants to know what's going on with DD. He tells me that he doesn't think there is anything he can do except wait and stay constant in his desire to connect and build an adult relationship. I sympathize for him and I want my DD to have a loving relationship with her father. Part of me wants to tell DD that it was my decision to divorce and to stop blaming her father. But mostly I think that my DD and ex need to figure it out themselves to move forward. Is there anything I can or should think about doing to facilitate their reconciliation? It's not my role as a parent of an adult child or as an ex-spouse, right?

You should tell her the truth. You and your XH are lying to her with the intent of manipulating her feelings and her behavior. It isn't a fair or ethical way to treat anyone, let alone your own daughter.

You need to stop thinking you can control this situation. She's already been forced to accept your divorce and if you try to pressure and force and manipulate her in further ways, it will only damage your relationship. She will think what she thinks and do what she does, and it's between her and her father to work it out. He will have to be patient and he will have to consider whether he wants to force his new girlfriend into her life right now. Tell your daughter the truth, accept the blowback, and butt out of her relationship with her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents divorced when he was 23 and he was pretty pissed. His parents seemed to think he should instantly accept their new significant others and their SO's children everytime he saw his parent. He was given no choice in who he was supposed to consider to be his family. He just wanted to come home to see his parents and sister, not a bunch of random strangers too. He also hated all of the pressure to ensure both parents got exactly equal amounts of his time and attention every single holiday.

I'd lay off your daughter. She's allowed to be pissed and she probably should be. You broke up her family. Your ex is going first by getting a SO, but I'd expect her to react negatively when you eventually do the same. While you may care about the new SO, don't expect her to do so. Take her relationship with them very slowly and don't force them on to her. If you include your SO in every gathering (or even most gatherings) with your daughter, she will feel like she's lost you to him and his family. Don't do that.

Also, stop lying to her about the reason your marriage broke up. When she blames your ex, correct her. Tell her that you wanted the divorce.

page out of my life! this was my exact experience when my parents divorced when i was 24. i played along for many years because i was a people pleaser and thought i was "helping" minimize the disruption of the divorce for "all of us." i didn't even realize that's what i was doing at the time. it would take me another 5-10 years before i could really feel my true feelings about what had happened and adjust my relationships and my boundaries accordingly.

i wish OP's family all the best, truly, but those of you who think divorcing when your kids are older means it will be easier -- this is not the case.

[Anonymous]

Her insistence that her childhood home was unhappy is probably just backlash to OP's insistence that everything was good, nobody did anything wrong, nobody is to blame, etc. If you back off on that stuff, OP, she might calm down. She's trying to get her message through to you, and exaggerating so that you will pay attention. That's what people do when they feel like their viewpoint is being suppressed.

If you really think she'll accept the party line that everything was great untill her parents totally amicably and mutually separated for no significant reason, you must not think she's very smart. I bet she knows and perceives a lot more than you realize.

[Anonymous]

We need to bookmark this thread for all the people who think they're fooling anyone when they "stay together for the kids," until the kids go to college.

If you stay together for the kids, do it for the long-term so they don't have to deal with this kind of upheaval and BS. Or, have the integrity to do it earlier. Just don't pretend that your kids will be unaffected when you pull the rug out from under them.

[Anonymous]

Divorce does a mental and emotional number on most kids, even if it happens when they are adults. It causes them to reinterpret their entire lives; it feels like a betrayal of their very existence, and him moving on to another woman just twists that knife. It also complicates her life by adding another person she didn't choose. She's lashing out and not all of it will be rational because it is coming from the very core of her emotional identity.

Let her be angry.

[Anonymous]

If it < 1 year he should have waited.

She needs therapy because you two did not give her space to mourn.

You acted like since your amicable they don’t need to mourn the death of her family unit.