24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you and your XH are approaching this in a manner appropriate for a much younger child. 24 is old enough to know this relatively innocuous truth, and it's too old to fall for the "united front" approach. It's old enough that her main concern isn't your feelings about the new girlfriend, old enough to manage her relationship with each parent on her own, and old enough to understand that she's going to be an ACOD. Try to wrap your head around it. Treat her with respect, tell her the truth, and mind your own business. That's how you parent an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop lying to your daughter.

OP was willing to tell the truth. Her ex is the one who wanted to maintain the lie. Perhaps he had his reasons for doing so, like if he was afraid of what his daughter might find out if she went snooping too much into why her mother decided to divorce her father.

And she has to do what the ex wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop lying to your daughter.

OP was willing to tell the truth. Her ex is the one who wanted to maintain the lie. Perhaps he had his reasons for doing so, like if he was afraid of what his daughter might find out if she went snooping too much into why her mother decided to divorce her father.

And she has to do what the ex wants?

Maybe the daughter knows more than OP thinks and that's what she's mad about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will still have to sort out her feelings about the new partner, but it is horribly unfair if you don't set the record straight about the reasonings - on both your parts - for the divorce. She needs to know that you wanted it and what your feelings were. She also should know why your ex presented it as a joint decision to spare her feelings.

She might be grown, but you still need to parent her. She's behaving like a brat to a parent who has been nothing but good to her. Can she not share her feelings like the adult she's supposed to be and not shut someone out without conversation? She can be angry without acting like a spoiled child. Get her a therapist.

+1. The people who suggest OP was or is “lying” greatly overstate the case. That the divorce was mutual was a diplomatic and defensible way to characterize it. But it has been misinterpreted by OPs daughter in a way that is damaging her relationship with her father, and OP is really the only person who can correct the record. Her ex will not be believed. OP, I personally think you have an obligation to do so, to the extent you see your divorce as amicable. That implies a continued obligation to keep it so, and even though you didn’t do anything wrong from my perspective, you are the only one who can fix this.

And let’s not bang too hard on OP’s DD. Divorce at any age is hard on the children, and they are not responsible for it. The aftermath often involves hundreds of hours of dealing with new people who they often don’t like, and they will never get to be with their intact own family again. Yes, they must suck it up and deal with it, but some initial negative reaction is understandable and reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will still have to sort out her feelings about the new partner, but it is horribly unfair if you don't set the record straight about the reasonings - on both your parts - for the divorce. She needs to know that you wanted it and what your feelings were. She also should know why your ex presented it as a joint decision to spare her feelings.

She might be grown, but you still need to parent her. She's behaving like a brat to a parent who has been nothing but good to her. Can she not share her feelings like the adult she's supposed to be and not shut someone out without conversation? She can be angry without acting like a spoiled child. Get her a therapist.

+1. The people who suggest OP was or is “lying” greatly overstate the case. That the divorce was mutual was a diplomatic and defensible way to characterize it. But it has been misinterpreted by OPs daughter in a way that is damaging her relationship with her father, and OP is really the only person who can correct the record. Her ex will not be believed. OP, I personally think you have an obligation to do so, to the extent you see your divorce as amicable. That implies a continued obligation to keep it so, and even though you didn’t do anything wrong from my perspective, you are the only one who can fix this.

And let’s not bang too hard on OP’s DD. Divorce at any age is hard on the children, and they are not responsible for it. The aftermath often involves hundreds of hours of dealing with new people who they often don’t like, and they will never get to be with their intact own family again. Yes, they must suck it up and deal with it, but some initial negative reaction is understandable and reasonable.

Was it defensible? It seems like it was not true, and therefore it was a LIE. Maybe with good intentions but still, a lie's a lie. One of the most traumatic parts of being a child of divorce is realizing that your parents won't tell you the truth if they don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will still have to sort out her feelings about the new partner, but it is horribly unfair if you don't set the record straight about the reasonings - on both your parts - for the divorce. She needs to know that you wanted it and what your feelings were. She also should know why your ex presented it as a joint decision to spare her feelings.

She might be grown, but you still need to parent her. She's behaving like a brat to a parent who has been nothing but good to her. Can she not share her feelings like the adult she's supposed to be and not shut someone out without conversation? She can be angry without acting like a spoiled child. Get her a therapist.

+1. The people who suggest OP was or is “lying” greatly overstate the case. That the divorce was mutual was a diplomatic and defensible way to characterize it. But it has been misinterpreted by OPs daughter in a way that is damaging her relationship with her father, and OP is really the only person who can correct the record. Her ex will not be believed. OP, I personally think you have an obligation to do so, to the extent you see your divorce as amicable. That implies a continued obligation to keep it so, and even though you didn’t do anything wrong from my perspective, you are the only one who can fix this.

And let’s not bang too hard on OP’s DD. Divorce at any age is hard on the children, and they are not responsible for it. The aftermath often involves hundreds of hours of dealing with new people who they often don’t like, and they will never get to be with their intact own family again. Yes, they must suck it up and deal with it, but some initial negative reaction is understandable and reasonable.

Was it defensible? It seems like it was not true, and therefore it was a LIE. Maybe with good intentions but still, a lie's a lie. One of the most traumatic parts of being a child of divorce is realizing that your parents won't tell you the truth if they don't want to.

I don’t think so from OP’s account. She basically says that she asked for a divorce and her ex husband consented. He may not have wanted it, but I think it’s fair to describe that decision as mutual. There is of course some ambiguity, which created the problem with DD.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you tell your 24 year old daughter the truth about your divorce? It's not like anything bad happened and honestly at this point her imagination has run away from her and she's obviously filling in the blanks for herself.

The longer you let this go on, the worse it's going to be.

I'd also encourage her to do some therapy, could she do some family therapy with her father? Are they in the same location?

There's zero reason either one of you should be the bad guy in this situation.

[Anonymous]

The OP just does want she wants to do despite how it affects others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to bookmark this thread for all the people who think they're fooling anyone when they "stay together for the kids," until the kids go to college.

If you stay together for the kids, do it for the long-term so they don't have to deal with this kind of upheaval and BS. Or, have the integrity to do it earlier. Just don't pretend that your kids will be unaffected when you pull the rug out from under them.

This is so uninformed

Early or later it’s upheaval.. either way kids near time to mourn.

Dating the 1st year is cruel.

How is it uninformed? I posted in reference to the people who think divorcing when kids are adults is NBD. Of *course* it's upheaval whenever it happens - that's the point. There are so many threads from people saying they're hanging on until their kids go to college, assuming their kids won't mind their parents divorcing at that point. False.

[Anonymous]

Well, this will mess with this DD's relationships/view of marriage, forever, going forward. Best DD get into some counseling. She's not taking this well. Her own chances of having a happy, successful marriage have been greatly diminished by the divorce. It's not nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop lying to your daughter.

OP was willing to tell the truth. Her ex is the one who wanted to maintain the lie. Perhaps he had his reasons for doing so, like if he was afraid of what his daughter might find out if she went snooping too much into why her mother decided to divorce her father.

You realize the Father didn’t cheat right? The Mother did.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter doesn’t love her dad. Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop lying to your daughter.

OP was willing to tell the truth. Her ex is the one who wanted to maintain the lie. Perhaps he had his reasons for doing so, like if he was afraid of what his daughter might find out if she went snooping too much into why her mother decided to divorce her father.

You realize the Father didn’t cheat right? The Mother did.

Where did you get that? Are you confusing this with another thread?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like an amicable and mature divorce, but it's not fair for you to let him carry the blame just so you can keep your image and relationship with your daughter intact. Also, she needs to grow up and be grateful that she has two level-headed and reasonable parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s jealous. It’s Oedipal. This is why if I date a divorced man, I only date men who have sons. No daughters. Even grown daughters can cause problems.

You are divorced and you date lots of divorced men and you think their daughters are the ones with the problem? LOL!