24 year old DD angry at her dad post-divorce

[Anonymous]

My ex and I had an amicable, conflict-free divorce soon after our DD graduated from college. We're both much happier now. I asked for the divorce because our interests had diverged and I mostly wasn't interested in negotiating the rest of my life. I wanted more freedom and autonomy than I had while raising DD. Despite our reasons for splitting, I think we maintained a mostly healthy, happy home for our DD together. He was always an active, involved, responsible parent. My ex did not want to tell DD that I asked for the divorce because he said it was a joint decision. A couple months ago, when he announced he had a serious new partner, DD went ballistic at him. She blames him for all the unhappiness in the marriage in ways that I don't share and credits him with none of our good times. Our formerly happy and well-adjusted child now describes our home life as unrecognizably awful. DD and I still talk every few days but she has pretty much cut off communications with my ex. He writes her every week not expecting any response. I know it is making him miserable and he is desperate to reconnect with her. He reaches out to me when he really wants to know what's going on with DD. He tells me that he doesn't think there is anything he can do except wait and stay constant in his desire to connect and build an adult relationship. I sympathize for him and I want my DD to have a loving relationship with her father. Part of me wants to tell DD that it was my decision to divorce and to stop blaming her father. But mostly I think that my DD and ex need to figure it out themselves to move forward. Is there anything I can or should think about doing to facilitate their reconciliation? It's not my role as a parent of an adult child or as an ex-spouse, right?

[Anonymous]

She’s jealous. It’s Oedipal. This is why if I date a divorced man, I only date men who have sons. No daughters. Even grown daughters can cause problems.

[Anonymous]

Time to talk to her like an adult and share your side.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him it was your idea to divorce. This isn't fair. I have a hunch that while you may have told her it was a joint decision, she's pinning it on him.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to at least tell her that you jointly decided to get a divorce based on longer term incompatibility and that her father didn't leave you so that he could date other women. You also need to show her that you are fine with the fact that he is dating, even if you aren't dating anyone.

Given what you described, the divorce probably came out of nowhere from her perspective and she is trying to navigate the world as an adult without the touchstone of her childhood family. It is going to be bumpy for awhile. She probably feels like she was lied to and she needs time to adjust. Continue to reassure her that you did have a happy family -- that wasn't a lie. And you and your ex both love her and continue to respect each other. Your decision to divorce isn't a reflection on the past, but rather your different desires for the future.

As much as you can, talk to her about what will stay the same and what will be changing in terms of things like holidays and family vacations/visits.

If your ex is suggesting that he spend time with DD, do not involve his new GF -- even if she is amazing, your DD isn't ready for that yet.

Good luck. My parents divorced when I was around your DD's age and it was bumpy for awhile, but we are now a very functional divorced family.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be honest with your daughter op. This isn't fair. And you need to be honest with yourself too and recognize that despite how DDs home life may have been before, the decision to divorce is deeply difficult for most children no matter what age it happens. I think being really honest with yourself about how this has impacted her will help a lot in these conversations. Feeling like "but we gave you a happy life!" is going to be really dismissive of her very real feelings that the very happy life she knew and intact family she had will never be again. When she has her own children, she won't be able to bring them to grandma and grandpas. she will navigate two different homes with new partners etc. This is doable but it is not what people envision and it can be hard. Own your piece in this. You made a decision for your own happiness (which is ok!) but it impacted others greatly and I think you must own it.

[Anonymous]

Do not get involved in their relationship. If he thinks it would be better for her to know that you wanted the divorce, he can tell her that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not get involved in their relationship. If he thinks it would be better for her to know that you wanted the divorce, he can tell her that.

How, if she won’t take his calls? Honest question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not get involved in their relationship. If he thinks it would be better for her to know that you wanted the divorce, he can tell her that.

How, if she won’t take his calls? Honest question.

She is an adult who is free to make that choice for herself. OP overriding her DD because she thinks she knows better than everyone (including her ex - remember it was the ex, not OP, who originally wanted to keep it from the DD that OP wanted the divorce) is unlikely to make things better.

Frankly, I highly doubt this anger came from no where. It’s been there a while but the DD didn’t have a target for it before. She’s not a toddler, so odds are she saw all the stuff her dad did during the marriage that made OP so unhappy and knows what’s what, even if she doesn’t specifically know OP asked for the divorce.

Let them work it out themselves. You do not have a place in this.

[Anonymous]

That's between them, OP. It is not your job to play referee.

[Anonymous]

My parents got divorced when I was about this age and I was so angry for so long. Explain it. My siblings and I were only left to guess the reasons why. We went back and forth blaming the parents. I hated my dad for moving on and his new girlfriend for trying to fill a new role just as I was trying to figure out how to be an adult with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Yes, your daughter's behavior sounds a little inappropriate, and you should tell her so. What if you remarry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s jealous. It’s Oedipal. This is why if I date a divorced man, I only date men who have sons. No daughters. Even grown daughters can cause problems.

Or Electra complex. I agree she feels displaced by the new relationship. Go ahead and tell her you filed, but I don’t think it will make a difference. She will need to grow up, buy may always resent any new woman/step-mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s jealous. It’s Oedipal. This is why if I date a divorced man, I only date men who have sons. No daughters. Even grown daughters can cause problems.

[Anonymous]

Come clean and spill the beans. It was your decision. She needs to be grateful she even has a dad, and cherish his time on this earth and hope he finds happiness. What does him bring lonely and miserable do for her? Nothing. Plus, she should be greasing the skids with new potential stepmother. Not fun being on their bad side.