If you don’t feel much connection with your child…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a close bond with my parents at all. We have always been as you described. They have never made an effort to get to know me or my interests (and at some points judged me harshly for having my interests). It was made clear to me that I was not what they expected. I am very successful in my career and family. I still love my parents and we still have absolutely nothing in common. I still have my "strange" interests in the outdoors, and now my kids have those too. I am intentionally cultivating a different relationship with my kids because that is what I want (and what I needed as a kid too). My parents are kind and loving, but I always wanted more. I'm giving my kids more, maybe they will want less (lol).

Thank you so much, this is so helpful!
I am trying hard, very hard not to judge my kid.
My biggest issues is that he likes videogames (yes some of them have elaborate narratives based in history), and the books he likes aren’t my kind of books (not about “real life”). I know it’s totally ok for him to like that. But I can’t help but feel like it’s just very different from what I would choose.
And I feel like he kind of likes what I am suggesting, sometimes… but not much and rarely.
Maybe I am too influenced by all the “my kid is my best friend” stuff but In these terms no, I don’t think we would be friends with him!

Maybe you have some advice and tips for me as I don’t want my kid to feel judged or even worse, unwanted or a disappointment. He is just different from me and it’s hard for me to bridge the gap. But I am trying

Where are you getting this stuff? TV shows? I have only ever heard "your kids are not your friends" kind of parenting advice.

I'm glad you're trying not to judge your kid. But perhaps you can get to the point where you can really appreciate his interests, even if you don't share them? I started playing Minecraft with my kids and I found that I really liked it. I started listening to fantasy novels with my husband and I really like those too now, and now we have lots of things to talk about as a family even if Minecraft and fantasy novels still aren't my preferred way to spend time.

- NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear your story. My son is only 12 and a lovely kid, but I just can’t feel the connection, the closeness I feel with my father for example. Does it ever change? I love him and we talk about things and I don’t have any negative feelings, but he is just so different it’s hard to find things in common.
Maybe that’s how it is supposed to be, he is a preteen after all, but I have started feeling it when he was maybe 8?
First, I am an immigrant and he is very Americanized which I don’t mind but it makes it harder to connect. He rejected my first language fairly early on and wouldn’t speak it. He is not interested in visiting my home country though there is tons of kid friendly things, kids are often outside playing unlike here etc.
He is also more like his dad in personality and interests which I don’t mind but just saying it may be a contributing factor.
Maybe it’s also because he is a boy.
Anyway, I am tired of finding common ground, common interests, and bonding activities. I just go through the motions of parenting but he feels like a welcome guest and honestly I may be relieved when he finally leaves.
So tell me, is this normal? And does it change? I was always close with my dad, separated somewhat as an adult, much thanks to my mother’s dysfunction, but we are now close again. So I know it can be different than what my son and I have, and it can change, but I want some reassurance I guess.

I just want to say that I think the fact that you are doing these things is priceless. Truly. You might never have a deep connection but he is growing up with a mom who is making an effort to meet him where he is at and that's so much more than other kids get.

Thank you so much for this! I am actually going to reduce my effort, or was going to… because it feels like A LOT. It is very hard to find something both of us want to do. So I make him travel and he makes me watch his dumb YouTube videos lol

PP here. I think it's totally valid to reduce your efforts. You need to protect your energy, and kids that age need a little more space anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 19 and I've found our closeness ebbs and flows. I hated the elementary school years. Loved when she turned 12! Then when she got her first real boyfriend at 18, she pulled away and we weren't as close both physically and emotionally. Now they're on the rocks and we talk for an hour and a half each night and are close again.

It ebbs and flows. Keep trying for connections. Maybe you both like the same musical artist, maybe you both like to eat at the same restaurant, maybe you both like the same stand up comic, etc.

Thank you for posting! It seems like you do have quite a few common interests, right? I think part of my “problem” is that we are so different. I mean, I do things that he likes to do but it’s a chore. I am pretty sure it’s a chore for him to follow my lead as well. Even the books we like are pretty different! I had to try and find some sci fi books which I am not a fan of but consider classics to show him, so I do make the effort but it’s still an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a close bond with my parents at all. We have always been as you described. They have never made an effort to get to know me or my interests (and at some points judged me harshly for having my interests). It was made clear to me that I was not what they expected. I am very successful in my career and family. I still love my parents and we still have absolutely nothing in common. I still have my "strange" interests in the outdoors, and now my kids have those too. I am intentionally cultivating a different relationship with my kids because that is what I want (and what I needed as a kid too). My parents are kind and loving, but I always wanted more. I'm giving my kids more, maybe they will want less (lol).

Thank you so much, this is so helpful!
I am trying hard, very hard not to judge my kid.
My biggest issues is that he likes videogames (yes some of them have elaborate narratives based in history), and the books he likes aren’t my kind of books (not about “real life”). I know it’s totally ok for him to like that. But I can’t help but feel like it’s just very different from what I would choose.
And I feel like he kind of likes what I am suggesting, sometimes… but not much and rarely.
Maybe I am too influenced by all the “my kid is my best friend” stuff but In these terms no, I don’t think we would be friends with him!

Maybe you have some advice and tips for me as I don’t want my kid to feel judged or even worse, unwanted or a disappointment. He is just different from me and it’s hard for me to bridge the gap. But I am trying

Where are you getting this stuff? TV shows? I have only ever heard "your kids are not your friends" kind of parenting advice.

I'm glad you're trying not to judge your kid. But perhaps you can get to the point where you can really appreciate his interests, even if you don't share them? I started playing Minecraft with my kids and I found that I really liked it. I started listening to fantasy novels with my husband and I really like those too now, and now we have lots of things to talk about as a family even if Minecraft and fantasy novels still aren't my preferred way to spend time.

- NP

Haha interesting that you mentioned a videogame and fantasy! These are some of my son’s interests that I just can’t really share! He is more into sci fi/dystopian/steam punk but the thing is I never liked them. We listen so some books together in the car and while I am not bored these are not the ones I would choose (which is normal I know but just saying). Videogames - the most I can bring myself to do is discuss the rules and the story line. I do give credit when I see that a game is based on history for example

It’s just a chore to share the interests that are different
And even then. Left to his own devices he will read manga and manga based novels. And no he will not watch the classic anime, like Miyazaki. What he likes is I think fairly poor taste (he made me watch some episodes lol)
And I can’t constantly force feed him with “good stuff” and restrict the cringy stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear your story. My son is only 12 and a lovely kid, but I just can’t feel the connection, the closeness I feel with my father for example. Does it ever change? I love him and we talk about things and I don’t have any negative feelings, but he is just so different it’s hard to find things in common.
Maybe that’s how it is supposed to be, he is a preteen after all, but I have started feeling it when he was maybe 8?
First, I am an immigrant and he is very Americanized which I don’t mind but it makes it harder to connect. He rejected my first language fairly early on and wouldn’t speak it. He is not interested in visiting my home country though there is tons of kid friendly things, kids are often outside playing unlike here etc.
He is also more like his dad in personality and interests which I don’t mind but just saying it may be a contributing factor.
Maybe it’s also because he is a boy.
Anyway, I am tired of finding common ground, common interests, and bonding activities. I just go through the motions of parenting but he feels like a welcome guest and honestly I may be relieved when he finally leaves.
So tell me, is this normal? And does it change? I was always close with my dad, separated somewhat as an adult, much thanks to my mother’s dysfunction, but we are now close again. So I know it can be different than what my son and I have, and it can change, but I want some reassurance I guess.

I just want to say that I think the fact that you are doing these things is priceless. Truly. You might never have a deep connection but he is growing up with a mom who is making an effort to meet him where he is at and that's so much more than other kids get.

Thank you so much for this! I am actually going to reduce my effort, or was going to… because it feels like A LOT. It is very hard to find something both of us want to do. So I make him travel and he makes me watch his dumb YouTube videos lol

PP here. I think it's totally valid to reduce your efforts. You need to protect your energy, and kids that age need a little more space anyway.

Thank you! I may have to come to terms that when left to his own devices my kid likes really lowbrow if not cringy stuff lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you lack maternal instinct. I don't mean that as a criticism, just an observation. I agree some therapy might help you find out and hopefully stop the worry.

I was very maternal when kid was small and his physical well being was a concern (as in is he hungry, cold, had enough sleep etc). Some friends call me too maternal and even overbearing to this day. However recently it has become clear that he is not going to suffer from cold, hunger, or other things without telling someone/doing something about it, and… I am not needed? I was hoping we would have long talks about stuff that we BOTH find interesting just like my dad and I used to have (though now I am thinking maybe he wasn’t that interested lol). But no, he either wants to be left alone or wants to talk about stuff that has about zero connection to real life (mostly videogames or YouTube videos). It’s just not something I was envisioning. My dad and I used to discuss life and relationship and all these philosophical matters we do sometimes with my son but maybe 10% of the time. He also doesn’t like doing anything with me really.

You raised the point I was going to say about your Dad. Maybe he really wasn’t interested in all the things you thought he was, but he was interested in connecting, valuing, and seeing his daughter. That came out like an interest in philosophy (or whatever). Also interests change over time but laying the habit and practice of connecting with your son even when we have different interests is Huge!

[Anonymous]

I had this same relationship with my teen boy. But his younger sister and I are very close. He is now 20 and it’s better but not perfect. I know he loves me dearly, it’s just how he (doesn’t) express himself. It makes me sad that he will eventually have a wife and family of his own which may take us further apart. He is very close to his siblings and has a special relationship with his dad. I guess for us it’s the boy- mom dynamic. I treated him like a kid for 12 years and then he grew up.

My daughter and I are closer - mom- daughter bond. I know we will always be close. I think it’s diftemce in each kids personality; and the fact that I spent more 1-1 time with her (when she was a baby my son was starting school).

[Anonymous]

The magic phrase is, "I just am not an ______ kind of mother." Some moms don't bake cakes or ride bikes or host parties or knit or enjoy shopping or swimming or a thousand other things. I, for example, am just not a video game-playing or amusement park-enjoying mother. I feel no compunction about forcing kids to watch certain films and read classics instead of what Harold Bloom would have rightly classified as literary trash with no redeeming value. I force them to eat veggies and tofu instead of the chicken nuggets they would prefer if left to their own devices. I make them take walks in the forest instead of zoning out on their phones. I don't try to find common ground with my inferiors. I am and will unapologetically remain their Earth until they leave my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a close bond with my parents at all. We have always been as you described. They have never made an effort to get to know me or my interests (and at some points judged me harshly for having my interests). It was made clear to me that I was not what they expected. I am very successful in my career and family. I still love my parents and we still have absolutely nothing in common. I still have my "strange" interests in the outdoors, and now my kids have those too. I am intentionally cultivating a different relationship with my kids because that is what I want (and what I needed as a kid too). My parents are kind and loving, but I always wanted more. I'm giving my kids more, maybe they will want less (lol).

Thank you so much, this is so helpful!
I am trying hard, very hard not to judge my kid.
My biggest issues is that he likes videogames (yes some of them have elaborate narratives based in history), and the books he likes aren’t my kind of books (not about “real life”). I know it’s totally ok for him to like that. But I can’t help but feel like it’s just very different from what I would choose.
And I feel like he kind of likes what I am suggesting, sometimes… but not much and rarely.
Maybe I am too influenced by all the “my kid is my best friend” stuff but In these terms no, I don’t think we would be friends with him!

Maybe you have some advice and tips for me as I don’t want my kid to feel judged or even worse, unwanted or a disappointment. He is just different from me and it’s hard for me to bridge the gap. But I am trying

He is like his dad. You are the one who comes from a different culture and a different language.

I think your situation is not uncommon and your son probably wants to fit in the "American" culture and not stand out.

My sons are 1st generation Americans and have learned to navigate and embrace both cultures and we surround ourselves with diverse friends and families.

I actually could "bond" with them better when they were young before they became teens/more independent. Now they are closer to dad and have more "guy" things to bond with him.

Have you thought about that YOU might be the different one in the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a close bond with my parents at all. We have always been as you described. They have never made an effort to get to know me or my interests (and at some points judged me harshly for having my interests). It was made clear to me that I was not what they expected. I am very successful in my career and family. I still love my parents and we still have absolutely nothing in common. I still have my "strange" interests in the outdoors, and now my kids have those too. I am intentionally cultivating a different relationship with my kids because that is what I want (and what I needed as a kid too). My parents are kind and loving, but I always wanted more. I'm giving my kids more, maybe they will want less (lol).

Thank you so much, this is so helpful!
I am trying hard, very hard not to judge my kid.
My biggest issues is that he likes videogames (yes some of them have elaborate narratives based in history), and the books he likes aren’t my kind of books (not about “real life”). I know it’s totally ok for him to like that. But I can’t help but feel like it’s just very different from what I would choose.
And I feel like he kind of likes what I am suggesting, sometimes… but not much and rarely.
Maybe I am too influenced by all the “my kid is my best friend” stuff but In these terms no, I don’t think we would be friends with him!

Maybe you have some advice and tips for me as I don’t want my kid to feel judged or even worse, unwanted or a disappointment. He is just different from me and it’s hard for me to bridge the gap. But I am trying

He is like his dad. You are the one who comes from a different culture and a different language.

I think your situation is not uncommon and your son probably wants to fit in the "American" culture and not stand out.

My sons are 1st generation Americans and have learned to navigate and embrace both cultures and we surround ourselves with diverse friends and families.

I actually could "bond" with them better when they were young before they became teens/more independent. Now they are closer to dad and have more "guy" things to bond with him.

Have you thought about that YOU might be the different one in the family?

His dad is also not American. They are just more alike personality wise, but they don’t seem to have a close bond either.

[Anonymous]

My question is--did you ever feel close to your son?

The way you're talking "we don't have the same taste in books or activities" makes me wonder if your expectations are way too high. Is he an only child? I've never had the same book interests as my 12 year old son (besides Harry Potter), but I still take him to the library and ask him what he's reading and listen to the plot of whatever he is willing to tell me about.

My son loves playing Minecraft and watching YouTube videos of others playing Minecraft. I don't have to sit and play or watch with him. He does this on his own and if he wants to tell me about it, I'll listen and ask questions, but I won't spend time playing.

Find the things that connect you, but don't force them.!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a close bond with my parents at all. We have always been as you described. They have never made an effort to get to know me or my interests (and at some points judged me harshly for having my interests). It was made clear to me that I was not what they expected. I am very successful in my career and family. I still love my parents and we still have absolutely nothing in common. I still have my "strange" interests in the outdoors, and now my kids have those too. I am intentionally cultivating a different relationship with my kids because that is what I want (and what I needed as a kid too). My parents are kind and loving, but I always wanted more. I'm giving my kids more, maybe they will want less (lol).

Thank you so much, this is so helpful!
I am trying hard, very hard not to judge my kid.
My biggest issues is that he likes videogames (yes some of them have elaborate narratives based in history), and the books he likes aren’t my kind of books (not about “real life”). I know it’s totally ok for him to like that. But I can’t help but feel like it’s just very different from what I would choose.
And I feel like he kind of likes what I am suggesting, sometimes… but not much and rarely.
Maybe I am too influenced by all the “my kid is my best friend” stuff but In these terms no, I don’t think we would be friends with him!

Maybe you have some advice and tips for me as I don’t want my kid to feel judged or even worse, unwanted or a disappointment. He is just different from me and it’s hard for me to bridge the gap. But I am trying

He is his own person. You cannot and should not expect him to be like you. His job as a pre-teen and teen will be to separate and individuate from his parents, and develop his own identity, especially in the context of peers. Your job is to love and support him as he does that.

- mom of a teen boy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The magic phrase is, "I just am not an ______ kind of mother." Some moms don't bake cakes or ride bikes or host parties or knit or enjoy shopping or swimming or a thousand other things. I, for example, am just not a video game-playing or amusement park-enjoying mother. I feel no compunction about forcing kids to watch certain films and read classics instead of what Harold Bloom would have rightly classified as literary trash with no redeeming value. I force them to eat veggies and tofu instead of the chicken nuggets they would prefer if left to their own devices. I make them take walks in the forest instead of zoning out on their phones. I don't try to find common ground with my inferiors. I am and will unapologetically remain their Earth until they leave my home.

Ick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a close bond with my parents at all. We have always been as you described. They have never made an effort to get to know me or my interests (and at some points judged me harshly for having my interests). It was made clear to me that I was not what they expected. I am very successful in my career and family. I still love my parents and we still have absolutely nothing in common. I still have my "strange" interests in the outdoors, and now my kids have those too. I am intentionally cultivating a different relationship with my kids because that is what I want (and what I needed as a kid too). My parents are kind and loving, but I always wanted more. I'm giving my kids more, maybe they will want less (lol).

Thank you so much, this is so helpful!
I am trying hard, very hard not to judge my kid.
My biggest issues is that he likes videogames (yes some of them have elaborate narratives based in history), and the books he likes aren’t my kind of books (not about “real life”). I know it’s totally ok for him to like that. But I can’t help but feel like it’s just very different from what I would choose.
And I feel like he kind of likes what I am suggesting, sometimes… but not much and rarely.
Maybe I am too influenced by all the “my kid is my best friend” stuff but In these terms no, I don’t think we would be friends with him!

Maybe you have some advice and tips for me as I don’t want my kid to feel judged or even worse, unwanted or a disappointment. He is just different from me and it’s hard for me to bridge the gap. But I am trying

He is his own person. You cannot and should not expect him to be like you. His job as a pre-teen and teen will be to separate and individuate from his parents, and develop his own identity, especially in the context of peers. Your job is to love and support him as he does that.

- mom of a teen boy

+1. I think the issue here is your expectations of what a relationship with a child should be. Part of what will help you is reframing those expectations. He’s a different person and those are his interests (and many boys his age love gaming). Disappointment because someone is different from us isn’t full acceptance of who they are. The first step here is working on full acceptance of him from not being like you. Once that happens, you may find your relationship with him change for the better.