If you don’t feel much connection with your child…

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear your story. My son is only 12 and a lovely kid, but I just can’t feel the connection, the closeness I feel with my father for example. Does it ever change? I love him and we talk about things and I don’t have any negative feelings, but he is just so different it’s hard to find things in common.
Maybe that’s how it is supposed to be, he is a preteen after all, but I have started feeling it when he was maybe 8?
First, I am an immigrant and he is very Americanized which I don’t mind but it makes it harder to connect. He rejected my first language fairly early on and wouldn’t speak it. He is not interested in visiting my home country though there is tons of kid friendly things, kids are often outside playing unlike here etc.
He is also more like his dad in personality and interests which I don’t mind but just saying it may be a contributing factor.
Maybe it’s also because he is a boy.
Anyway, I am tired of finding common ground, common interests, and bonding activities. I just go through the motions of parenting but he feels like a welcome guest and honestly I may be relieved when he finally leaves.
So tell me, is this normal? And does it change? I was always close with my dad, separated somewhat as an adult, much thanks to my mother’s dysfunction, but we are now close again. So I know it can be different than what my son and I have, and it can change, but I want some reassurance I guess.

[Anonymous]

I think this is totally normal, OP. I often feel the same way about my preteen boy. Sometimes I get sad when I see others posting how they are best friends with their children but I remind myself that the gift is the life we brought into the universe. And our job is to nourish, guide, protect and ultimately launch another soul into the world. A good relationship is not a guarantee. And FWIW, you both could click at any point in his/your life so keep going, you're doing great.

[Anonymous]

You can try seeing a therapist, to rule out if its something else but the way you described it, it sounds pretty normal. You two have different gender, different age, different culture, probably different finances, different language, different school system etc. However, emotional and physical bonds are there, he is your child, Just love him and not judge him or yourself. Your bond doesn't have to be like one you had with hour parents or he has with his father. Just enjoy it before he becomes a busy high schooler and then leaves for college. Just hug him more.

[Anonymous]

I would see a therapist to work it out. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong, they’re there to help you sort out your feelings.

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty normal. My 15 yr old DS talks at length to me about things I have zero interest in. I'm just glad he wants to share those things with me still. It's our job to be kind and to cultivate kindness and intellectual curiosity in our kids, that is what binds us, not common interests. I think so, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Normal. I think everyone has developmental ages they're comfortable with and other times don't quite connect. Keep in mind that this may not be forever and could change as your child matures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I was always close with my dad, separated somewhat as an adult, much thanks to my mother’s dysfunction, but we are now close again. So I know it can be different than what my son and I have, and it can change, but I want some reassurance I guess.

You had a dysfunctional mother and and rough phase with your father. I think you need to see a therapist to sort yourself out before sorting out your your relationship with your son.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you lack maternal instinct. I don't mean that as a criticism, just an observation. I agree some therapy might help you find out and hopefully stop the worry.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a close bond with my parents at all. We have always been as you described. They have never made an effort to get to know me or my interests (and at some points judged me harshly for having my interests). It was made clear to me that I was not what they expected. I am very successful in my career and family. I still love my parents and we still have absolutely nothing in common. I still have my "strange" interests in the outdoors, and now my kids have those too. I am intentionally cultivating a different relationship with my kids because that is what I want (and what I needed as a kid too). My parents are kind and loving, but I always wanted more. I'm giving my kids more, maybe they will want less (lol).

[Anonymous]

My DD is 19 and I've found our closeness ebbs and flows. I hated the elementary school years. Loved when she turned 12! Then when she got her first real boyfriend at 18, she pulled away and we weren't as close both physically and emotionally. Now they're on the rocks and we talk for an hour and a half each night and are close again.

It ebbs and flows. Keep trying for connections. Maybe you both like the same musical artist, maybe you both like to eat at the same restaurant, maybe you both like the same stand up comic, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I was always close with my dad, separated somewhat as an adult, much thanks to my mother’s dysfunction, but we are now close again. So I know it can be different than what my son and I have, and it can change, but I want some reassurance I guess.

You had a dysfunctional mother and and rough phase with your father. I think you need to see a therapist to sort yourself out before sorting out your your relationship with your son.

Oh I have had it addressed in the past.
I hope it’s fairly functional with my son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you lack maternal instinct. I don't mean that as a criticism, just an observation. I agree some therapy might help you find out and hopefully stop the worry.

I was very maternal when kid was small and his physical well being was a concern (as in is he hungry, cold, had enough sleep etc). Some friends call me too maternal and even overbearing to this day. However recently it has become clear that he is not going to suffer from cold, hunger, or other things without telling someone/doing something about it, and… I am not needed? I was hoping we would have long talks about stuff that we BOTH find interesting just like my dad and I used to have (though now I am thinking maybe he wasn’t that interested lol). But no, he either wants to be left alone or wants to talk about stuff that has about zero connection to real life (mostly videogames or YouTube videos). It’s just not something I was envisioning. My dad and I used to discuss life and relationship and all these philosophical matters we do sometimes with my son but maybe 10% of the time. He also doesn’t like doing anything with me really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear your story. My son is only 12 and a lovely kid, but I just can’t feel the connection, the closeness I feel with my father for example. Does it ever change? I love him and we talk about things and I don’t have any negative feelings, but he is just so different it’s hard to find things in common.
Maybe that’s how it is supposed to be, he is a preteen after all, but I have started feeling it when he was maybe 8?
First, I am an immigrant and he is very Americanized which I don’t mind but it makes it harder to connect. He rejected my first language fairly early on and wouldn’t speak it. He is not interested in visiting my home country though there is tons of kid friendly things, kids are often outside playing unlike here etc.
He is also more like his dad in personality and interests which I don’t mind but just saying it may be a contributing factor.
Maybe it’s also because he is a boy.
Anyway, I am tired of finding common ground, common interests, and bonding activities. I just go through the motions of parenting but he feels like a welcome guest and honestly I may be relieved when he finally leaves.
So tell me, is this normal? And does it change? I was always close with my dad, separated somewhat as an adult, much thanks to my mother’s dysfunction, but we are now close again. So I know it can be different than what my son and I have, and it can change, but I want some reassurance I guess.

I just want to say that I think the fact that you are doing these things is priceless. Truly. You might never have a deep connection but he is growing up with a mom who is making an effort to meet him where he is at and that's so much more than other kids get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a close bond with my parents at all. We have always been as you described. They have never made an effort to get to know me or my interests (and at some points judged me harshly for having my interests). It was made clear to me that I was not what they expected. I am very successful in my career and family. I still love my parents and we still have absolutely nothing in common. I still have my "strange" interests in the outdoors, and now my kids have those too. I am intentionally cultivating a different relationship with my kids because that is what I want (and what I needed as a kid too). My parents are kind and loving, but I always wanted more. I'm giving my kids more, maybe they will want less (lol).

Thank you so much, this is so helpful!
I am trying hard, very hard not to judge my kid.
My biggest issues is that he likes videogames (yes some of them have elaborate narratives based in history), and the books he likes aren’t my kind of books (not about “real life”). I know it’s totally ok for him to like that. But I can’t help but feel like it’s just very different from what I would choose.
And I feel like he kind of likes what I am suggesting, sometimes… but not much and rarely.
Maybe I am too influenced by all the “my kid is my best friend” stuff but In these terms no, I don’t think we would be friends with him!

Maybe you have some advice and tips for me as I don’t want my kid to feel judged or even worse, unwanted or a disappointment. He is just different from me and it’s hard for me to bridge the gap. But I am trying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear your story. My son is only 12 and a lovely kid, but I just can’t feel the connection, the closeness I feel with my father for example. Does it ever change? I love him and we talk about things and I don’t have any negative feelings, but he is just so different it’s hard to find things in common.
Maybe that’s how it is supposed to be, he is a preteen after all, but I have started feeling it when he was maybe 8?
First, I am an immigrant and he is very Americanized which I don’t mind but it makes it harder to connect. He rejected my first language fairly early on and wouldn’t speak it. He is not interested in visiting my home country though there is tons of kid friendly things, kids are often outside playing unlike here etc.
He is also more like his dad in personality and interests which I don’t mind but just saying it may be a contributing factor.
Maybe it’s also because he is a boy.
Anyway, I am tired of finding common ground, common interests, and bonding activities. I just go through the motions of parenting but he feels like a welcome guest and honestly I may be relieved when he finally leaves.
So tell me, is this normal? And does it change? I was always close with my dad, separated somewhat as an adult, much thanks to my mother’s dysfunction, but we are now close again. So I know it can be different than what my son and I have, and it can change, but I want some reassurance I guess.

I just want to say that I think the fact that you are doing these things is priceless. Truly. You might never have a deep connection but he is growing up with a mom who is making an effort to meet him where he is at and that's so much more than other kids get.

Thank you so much for this! I am actually going to reduce my effort, or was going to… because it feels like A LOT. It is very hard to find something both of us want to do. So I make him travel and he makes me watch his dumb YouTube videos lol