What to do? My friend may die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With your kids, you say nothing right now.

If the person dies, you tell them.

If they don't die, then when all is safe, and you are no longer distraught, you will think it through then and decide whether or not to tell them and how much to tell them.

If your current behavior is freaking your kids out, then ( try to clam down) you can tell them something to make them know that you are OK, and they are OK, and that you are upset about something outside the immediate family, and that nothing is wrong in the immediate home, but that you are sad/upset. Kids need to know that when they sense trauma, or they will imagine all sorts of things when they pick up on parental distress.

This is very useful. Thank you. 🙏

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice would really depend on the exact situation. Is this a situation where your friend could die tomorrow, or a situation where they have cancer with a very low survival rate and will probably die in the next 3-6 months. You would handle this situations very differently.

It’s not cancer. They are in a situation where they could die any minute. I can’t explain more, because I don’t want anyone to recognize the person.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s hard to make suggestions based on little information. I recently lost a friend. Her young adult daughters were caring for her. I visited once a week, brought food for the girls and encouraged them to leave while I was there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your post is pointless. There is nothing you can do…. You give zero details so how are we supposed to offer advice? If it is something like she is really sick and will die and before then, her health, look or mobility may change then we could offer advise on how to prepare your kids but again, you told us nothing… you say she has told people widely but you can’t give the bare minimum on here?

The point of OP’s post was obviously a cry in the night for help, the kind of existential help we all seek when a dear one is in peril. OK? She’s worried. She’s seeking reassurance that obviously no one can guarantee. What we can say, we have. Be kind. Just tell her to say a prayer, hope for the best, hold off on any action or decision until she knows the outcomes or next steps, and tell her you hope all will be well. That’s kind.

I hope all will be well, OP. You’re not in control, and that is scary. But I hope there is some relief knowing that this is not in your hands, and all you can do, you are doing.

Thank you. You are 100% correct. I can’t talk to friends because they are also upset. A lot of my friends who don’t know this person are out of town on vacation, and I’m not sure if I should talk to them about it anyway.

This person has had health scares before and I took food but my gut says to lay low given the situation now. During a previous situation, a sibling of the sick person connected with me to facilitate help, so I have that in mind.

I considered sending a note to the spouse but feel like it might be overwhelming to that person.

All anyone can do is wait and pray, I guess.

Today, I plan to bury myself in work so I don’t think about it. I’m leaving town soon and will reach out to my therapist afterward.

Thank you to all who provided support.



PS: A few posters lack empathy. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your post is pointless. There is nothing you can do…. You give zero details so how are we supposed to offer advice? If it is something like she is really sick and will die and before then, her health, look or mobility may change then we could offer advise on how to prepare your kids but again, you told us nothing… you say she has told people widely but you can’t give the bare minimum on here?

The point of OP’s post was obviously a cry in the night for help, the kind of existential help we all seek when a dear one is in peril. OK? She’s worried. She’s seeking reassurance that obviously no one can guarantee. What we can say, we have. Be kind. Just tell her to say a prayer, hope for the best, hold off on any action or decision until she knows the outcomes or next steps, and tell her you hope all will be well. That’s kind.

I hope all will be well, OP. You’re not in control, and that is scary. But I hope there is some relief knowing that this is not in your hands, and all you can do, you are doing.

Thank you. You are 100% correct. I can’t talk to friends because they are also upset. A lot of my friends who don’t know this person are out of town on vacation, and I’m not sure if I should talk to them about it anyway.

This person has had health scares before and I took food but my gut says to lay low given the situation now. During a previous situation, a sibling of the sick person connected with me to facilitate help, so I have that in mind.

I considered sending a note to the spouse but feel like it might be overwhelming to that person.

All anyone can do is wait and pray, I guess.

Today, I plan to bury myself in work so I don’t think about it. I’m leaving town soon and will reach out to my therapist afterward.

Thank you to all who provided support.



PS: A few posters lack empathy. Yikes.

OP, I have been through quite a lot of sad situations over the past few years and have one good friend who also suffered quite a bit of tragedy. One thing we both agree on is that the one friend we had (note, had) who made our issues all about her was not helpful. She was the kind of friend who called all of her friends discussing how painful our situations were for her. She was the one who constantly asked how she should tell her kids, etc. Please please just pray for your friend, do something simple for her if it's appropriate, but otherwise, live your life. This is her tragedy, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your post is pointless. There is nothing you can do…. You give zero details so how are we supposed to offer advice? If it is something like she is really sick and will die and before then, her health, look or mobility may change then we could offer advise on how to prepare your kids but again, you told us nothing… you say she has told people widely but you can’t give the bare minimum on here?

The point of OP’s post was obviously a cry in the night for help, the kind of existential help we all seek when a dear one is in peril. OK? She’s worried. She’s seeking reassurance that obviously no one can guarantee. What we can say, we have. Be kind. Just tell her to say a prayer, hope for the best, hold off on any action or decision until she knows the outcomes or next steps, and tell her you hope all will be well. That’s kind.

I hope all will be well, OP. You’re not in control, and that is scary. But I hope there is some relief knowing that this is not in your hands, and all you can do, you are doing.

Thank you. You are 100% correct. I can’t talk to friends because they are also upset. A lot of my friends who don’t know this person are out of town on vacation, and I’m not sure if I should talk to them about it anyway.

This person has had health scares before and I took food but my gut says to lay low given the situation now. During a previous situation, a sibling of the sick person connected with me to facilitate help, so I have that in mind.

I considered sending a note to the spouse but feel like it might be overwhelming to that person.

All anyone can do is wait and pray, I guess.

Today, I plan to bury myself in work so I don’t think about it. I’m leaving town soon and will reach out to my therapist afterward.

Thank you to all who provided support.

PS: A few posters lack empathy. Yikes.

OP, upthread a bit, I mention that you can reach out to other friends not in this circle for support—objective friends, if you will. Call a college friend you’ve kept in touch with, a cousin, a trusted co-worker, anyone removed from the situation but who will listen to you with a sympathetic ear, pray with you, and support you.

Your instinct is right: unless someone has been directly told by your friend about this situation, do not tell anyone else. I would avoid even talking with other friends you know about this, to avoid any sort of speculation, added worry, or the possibility that word could get around that you were talking about this and more people knew than your affected friend would want to know.

REaching out to your therapist is a great idea. Be well, try not to worry, and take each day as it comes, OP.

[Anonymous]

Maybe tell the kids that your friend is sick, you don't know the details.

Drop off meals, offer child care, do errands and laundry.

Maybe start a gofundme if they need one? If you have a church ask them to pray for her. Ask your friends to ask their churches too.

[Anonymous]

I think the most helpful thing you can do is think through what they won't be able to do easily during their situation and then offer to help with that specifically. Generic offers of "let me know if I can do anything' are often more work to coordinate than actual help. For example, I had friend have a stroke. I offered to pick up their kids and drive them to the games and practices for their sports team, and take over their turn as snack parent. Did that solve the stroke...no, but I think it helped give the family one less thing to worry about arranging.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. You may not be able to do anything about your friend's life and death situation, but is there anything their loved ones would need? Help the people who're closer to your friend than you are. Lean on people who are more removed from your friend than you. (help in, dump out)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You literally say you can't do anything and then in the next sentence ask if there's anything you can do. Without you telling us how your friend may die, it's impossible for us to help you.

If she owes money to the Mafia and are coming to collect after giving her extensions, and she can't pay, then no, there's nothing you can do. If she has stage 1 cancer, there's a lot you can do.

This is crazy...if the mafia was after my friend and all it took to keep her alive was money, then I would find a way to get that money for her! Cancer is a completely different monster

Well if you can find a way to get the money for the mob, why can’t the friend find a way to get the money? Not everyone has access to money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are all going to die someday.

Wonder who will be concerned when it's you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your post is pointless. There is nothing you can do…. You give zero details so how are we supposed to offer advice? If it is something like she is really sick and will die and before then, her health, look or mobility may change then we could offer advise on how to prepare your kids but again, you told us nothing… you say she has told people widely but you can’t give the bare minimum on here?

The point of OP’s post was obviously a cry in the night for help, the kind of existential help we all seek when a dear one is in peril. OK? She’s worried. She’s seeking reassurance that obviously no one can guarantee. What we can say, we have. Be kind. Just tell her to say a prayer, hope for the best, hold off on any action or decision until she knows the outcomes or next steps, and tell her you hope all will be well. That’s kind.

I hope all will be well, OP. You’re not in control, and that is scary. But I hope there is some relief knowing that this is not in your hands, and all you can do, you are doing.

Thank you. You are 100% correct. I can’t talk to friends because they are also upset. A lot of my friends who don’t know this person are out of town on vacation, and I’m not sure if I should talk to them about it anyway.

This person has had health scares before and I took food but my gut says to lay low given the situation now. During a previous situation, a sibling of the sick person connected with me to facilitate help, so I have that in mind.

I considered sending a note to the spouse but feel like it might be overwhelming to that person.

All anyone can do is wait and pray, I guess.

Today, I plan to bury myself in work so I don’t think about it. I’m leaving town soon and will reach out to my therapist afterward.

Thank you to all who provided support.



PS: A few posters lack empathy. Yikes.

OP, I have been through quite a lot of sad situations over the past few years and have one good friend who also suffered quite a bit of tragedy. One thing we both agree on is that the one friend we had (note, had) who made our issues all about her was not helpful. She was the kind of friend who called all of her friends discussing how painful our situations were for her. She was the one who constantly asked how she should tell her kids, etc. Please please just pray for your friend, do something simple for her if it's appropriate, but otherwise, live your life. This is her tragedy, not yours.

Thank you. I’m aware of those types of people and definitely don’t want to be like that. In real life, only my spouse and I talked about it. Spouse saw updates on social media and relayed them to me.

Your last sentence is extremely wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your post is pointless. There is nothing you can do…. You give zero details so how are we supposed to offer advice? If it is something like she is really sick and will die and before then, her health, look or mobility may change then we could offer advise on how to prepare your kids but again, you told us nothing… you say she has told people widely but you can’t give the bare minimum on here?

The point of OP’s post was obviously a cry in the night for help, the kind of existential help we all seek when a dear one is in peril. OK? She’s worried. She’s seeking reassurance that obviously no one can guarantee. What we can say, we have. Be kind. Just tell her to say a prayer, hope for the best, hold off on any action or decision until she knows the outcomes or next steps, and tell her you hope all will be well. That’s kind.

I hope all will be well, OP. You’re not in control, and that is scary. But I hope there is some relief knowing that this is not in your hands, and all you can do, you are doing.

Thank you. You are 100% correct. I can’t talk to friends because they are also upset. A lot of my friends who don’t know this person are out of town on vacation, and I’m not sure if I should talk to them about it anyway.

This person has had health scares before and I took food but my gut says to lay low given the situation now. During a previous situation, a sibling of the sick person connected with me to facilitate help, so I have that in mind.

I considered sending a note to the spouse but feel like it might be overwhelming to that person.

All anyone can do is wait and pray, I guess.

Today, I plan to bury myself in work so I don’t think about it. I’m leaving town soon and will reach out to my therapist afterward.

Thank you to all who provided support.

PS: A few posters lack empathy. Yikes.

OP, upthread a bit, I mention that you can reach out to other friends not in this circle for support—objective friends, if you will. Call a college friend you’ve kept in touch with, a cousin, a trusted co-worker, anyone removed from the situation but who will listen to you with a sympathetic ear, pray with you, and support you.

Your instinct is right: unless someone has been directly told by your friend about this situation, do not tell anyone else. I would avoid even talking with other friends you know about this, to avoid any sort of speculation, added worry, or the possibility that word could get around that you were talking about this and more people knew than your affected friend would want to know.

REaching out to your therapist is a great idea. Be well, try not to worry, and take each day as it comes, OP.

Thank you. I do have friends outside the circle. I’ll keep this in mind.

For those complaining about the vague description: Why do you need to know all of their medical details? You don’t need to know that to provide wise counsel.

Other kind and wise people have generously provided advice without every last medical detail shared, and I’m grateful for it.

Thank you to all those who offered kindness and help. I feel more steady.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your post is pointless. There is nothing you can do…. You give zero details so how are we supposed to offer advice? If it is something like she is really sick and will die and before then, her health, look or mobility may change then we could offer advise on how to prepare your kids but again, you told us nothing… you say she has told people widely but you can’t give the bare minimum on here?

The point of OP’s post was obviously a cry in the night for help, the kind of existential help we all seek when a dear one is in peril. OK? She’s worried. She’s seeking reassurance that obviously no one can guarantee. What we can say, we have. Be kind. Just tell her to say a prayer, hope for the best, hold off on any action or decision until she knows the outcomes or next steps, and tell her you hope all will be well. That’s kind.

I hope all will be well, OP. You’re not in control, and that is scary. But I hope there is some relief knowing that this is not in your hands, and all you can do, you are doing.

Thank you. You are 100% correct. I can’t talk to friends because they are also upset. A lot of my friends who don’t know this person are out of town on vacation, and I’m not sure if I should talk to them about it anyway.

This person has had health scares before and I took food but my gut says to lay low given the situation now. During a previous situation, a sibling of the sick person connected with me to facilitate help, so I have that in mind.

I considered sending a note to the spouse but feel like it might be overwhelming to that person.

All anyone can do is wait and pray, I guess.

Today, I plan to bury myself in work so I don’t think about it. I’m leaving town soon and will reach out to my therapist afterward.

Thank you to all who provided support.

PS: A few posters lack empathy. Yikes.

OP, upthread a bit, I mention that you can reach out to other friends not in this circle for support—objective friends, if you will. Call a college friend you’ve kept in touch with, a cousin, a trusted co-worker, anyone removed from the situation but who will listen to you with a sympathetic ear, pray with you, and support you.

Your instinct is right: unless someone has been directly told by your friend about this situation, do not tell anyone else. I would avoid even talking with other friends you know about this, to avoid any sort of speculation, added worry, or the possibility that word could get around that you were talking about this and more people knew than your affected friend would want to know.

REaching out to your therapist is a great idea. Be well, try not to worry, and take each day as it comes, OP.

Thank you. I do have friends outside the circle. I’ll keep this in mind.

For those complaining about the vague description: Why do you need to know all of their medical details? You don’t need to know that to provide wise counsel.

Other kind and wise people have generously provided advice without every last medical detail shared, and I’m grateful for it.

Thank you to all those who offered kindness and help. I feel more steady.

OP

I'm one of the pps who offered word of comfort, but I also understand where other pps came from. Your title and first sentence were very dramatic. Up until this post, we had no idea that it's a medical issue. I'll confess, my first thought went to drug cartel or hostage type of situation, ie, something really out of the ordinary. So I get why others would ask.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why everyone on this board feels entitled to the details of your friend's situation.

I'm not sure how old your kids are, but I'd probably discuss with my kids. At least give them a sense that so-and-so is having a health issue (?) and that sometimes people die from it.

Another voice to try NOW to set up therapy for yourself--it will probably take a while to find someone. It sounds like this is really affecting you (because you are a good friend!) and I think you should take that step for your own mental health.

As for what you can do--
Are there kids you could offer to take for an afternoon?

Can you send a short note with no expectation of receiving anything back from the people in crisis?

Maybe drop off a food gift card if they are in crisis and might not be able to deal with making dinner

Plan to send a sympathy card if needed. Think of memories of your friend. Write a few of them down to share with their family at some point.