What to do? My friend may die.

[Anonymous]

Agree with talking to your parent or sibling or cousin or friend who doesn’t know this friend. I hope everything turns out okay.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you’re going through this OP. Here is some advice.

1) if your kids notice you’re a little off/distracted, can you try to keep them extra busy? More play dates, having a sitter hang with them to keep them occupied?

2) regarding your friend’s situation, can you calmly and rationally ask yourself what you would want people to do for you if you were in this situation? Then just do it - don’t ask because people don’t always want to accept help if asked. I can’t tell if this is a medical issue or a safety one (like psycho abusive ex is threatening harm), but if there is something that could be helpful in this situation just do it.

Truly hope your friend is ok.

[Anonymous]

Do they have access to their phone / computer still?

Can you write something to them, maybe a cherished memory that you have of them, or something fun? You could send that to them. Can you find pictures of them with the people they love? You can send to them. If they die, being shown love like this may be comforting in their last moments.

[Anonymous]

Reading between the lines, I think this person is suicidal.

[Anonymous]

My friends and I have been in life-threatening medical situations. All we can do is hope for the best, since it's rarely up to us at that point, and all we can do is wait for the spouse to give updates from the hospital. Personally, I would tell the children, in an age-appropriate way.

I know this is going to sound morbid, but when I'm the one waiting for news, I go over everything I need to do in case the worse happens. We recently had a scare for my MIL (sepsis), and I realized all my kids' dark clothes were outgrown, so I ordered all I needed, just in case. I went over in my mind where to call to have pets boarded before the flight we'd need to take. I made a mental list of music she loves. It sounds terrible, but it eases my anxiety to think in practical terms.

Best wishes, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your post is pointless. There is nothing you can do…. You give zero details so how are we supposed to offer advice? If it is something like she is really sick and will die and before then, her health, look or mobility may change then we could offer advise on how to prepare your kids but again, you told us nothing… you say she has told people widely but you can’t give the bare minimum on here?

The point of OP’s post was obviously a cry in the night for help, the kind of existential help we all seek when a dear one is in peril. OK? She’s worried. She’s seeking reassurance that obviously no one can guarantee. What we can say, we have. Be kind. Just tell her to say a prayer, hope for the best, hold off on any action or decision until she knows the outcomes or next steps, and tell her you hope all will be well. That’s kind.

I hope all will be well, OP. You’re not in control, and that is scary. But I hope there is some relief knowing that this is not in your hands, and all you can do, you are doing.

Thank you. You are 100% correct. I can’t talk to friends because they are also upset. A lot of my friends who don’t know this person are out of town on vacation, and I’m not sure if I should talk to them about it anyway.

This person has had health scares before and I took food but my gut says to lay low given the situation now. During a previous situation, a sibling of the sick person connected with me to facilitate help, so I have that in mind.

I considered sending a note to the spouse but feel like it might be overwhelming to that person.

All anyone can do is wait and pray, I guess.

Today, I plan to bury myself in work so I don’t think about it. I’m leaving town soon and will reach out to my therapist afterward.

Thank you to all who provided support.

PS: A few posters lack empathy. Yikes.

OP, upthread a bit, I mention that you can reach out to other friends not in this circle for support—objective friends, if you will. Call a college friend you’ve kept in touch with, a cousin, a trusted co-worker, anyone removed from the situation but who will listen to you with a sympathetic ear, pray with you, and support you.

Your instinct is right: unless someone has been directly told by your friend about this situation, do not tell anyone else. I would avoid even talking with other friends you know about this, to avoid any sort of speculation, added worry, or the possibility that word could get around that you were talking about this and more people knew than your affected friend would want to know.

REaching out to your therapist is a great idea. Be well, try not to worry, and take each day as it comes, OP.

Thank you. I do have friends outside the circle. I’ll keep this in mind.

For those complaining about the vague description: Why do you need to know all of their medical details? You don’t need to know that to provide wise counsel.

Other kind and wise people have generously provided advice without every last medical detail shared, and I’m grateful for it.

Thank you to all those who offered kindness and help. I feel more steady.

OP

I think you would have gotten more helpful advice if you’d said your friend is going through a dire medical emergency. Still no identifying details, and yet people could be helpful because they can understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have access to their phone / computer still?

Can you write something to them, maybe a cherished memory that you have of them, or something fun? You could send that to them. Can you find pictures of them with the people they love? You can send to them. If they die, being shown love like this may be comforting in their last moments.

This is a lovely idea. Yes, they have access to their phone. I may send a happy photo tomorrow.

OP

[Anonymous]

Thanks again, all!

I wanted to let you all know the friend survived major surgery. Doctors are optimistic. Friend will be in hospital a long time yet and it’s comforting to know they will have medical help nearby while they recuperate.

They have received phone calls and are sending their own updates again about progress and that seems promising.

OP

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad the surgery went well and that things seem to have a positive path forward

[Anonymous]

Plan a scheduled visit with your friends, whether sick or worse. Giving the family a break from the hospital will be a gift to them. I sat with a dying friend last week for 3 hours because no one wanted her to be alone. I held her hand, was there when the hospice nurse came by, gave her sips of water. Just be a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again, all!

I wanted to let you all know the friend survived major surgery. Doctors are optimistic. Friend will be in hospital a long time yet and it’s comforting to know they will have medical help nearby while they recuperate.

They have received phone calls and are sending their own updates again about progress and that seems promising.

OP

NP. This is wonderful to hear! Sending your friend my best wishes. You sound like a great friend. Thank you for the update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan a scheduled visit with your friends, whether sick or worse. Giving the family a break from the hospital will be a gift to them. I sat with a dying friend last week for 3 hours because no one wanted her to be alone. I held her hand, was there when the hospice nurse came by, gave her sips of water. Just be a friend.

I'm so sorry. Sending your friend and her loved ones my best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is in a life or death situation. I don’t want to risk giving details in case any family is on this board.

The friend texted with the news and we texted back to offer love and support. They’ve since shared the news more widely. I know I can’t do anything but wait. Is there anything else I can do?

I haven’t told my children. They know the friend. Any idea when to say something to them?

Please be nice, because I’m distraught and can’t think clearly.

Pray. Also, does your friend have kids or family members who need support or help? If you're able, then that could be your gift of mercy to your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again, all!

I wanted to let you all know the friend survived major surgery. Doctors are optimistic. Friend will be in hospital a long time yet and it’s comforting to know they will have medical help nearby while they recuperate.

They have received phone calls and are sending their own updates again about progress and that seems promising.

OP

That's great news! Have you spoken to your friend's spouse or partner or parents or kids? Can you help them while they help your friend? They're probably exhausted and they may just need a little break - someone to take the kids out for ice cream or to do a play date, someone to spell them at the hospital so they can go home and take a nap, someone to sit at the house while Merry Maids is there cleaning, those kinds of things.

[Anonymous]

Great news, OP!