What to do? My friend may die.

[Anonymous]

My friend is in a life or death situation. I don’t want to risk giving details in case any family is on this board.

The friend texted with the news and we texted back to offer love and support. They’ve since shared the news more widely. I know I can’t do anything but wait. Is there anything else I can do?

I haven’t told my children. They know the friend. Any idea when to say something to them?

Please be nice, because I’m distraught and can’t think clearly.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry. I think the best thing you can do is pray, hope for the best, and do not tell your children until you have all of the information. There is no sense in disrupting their emotions or their sleep until you know the outcome, or the next steps.

Take care of yourself. Lean on your spouse or anyone outside of this particular friend circle—stay connected to your shared friends, but don’t lean on them for support, as they are likely trying to hold themselves together, too.

I hope all goes well. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP.

Is there anything productive to stay busy? Arranging to cut their lawn or make a meal? I wouldn’t tell the kids. Let your spouse shield them.

I’d also be finding a therapist, because for me that’s helpful to deal with stress and grief.

[Anonymous]

Light a candle. Say a prayer or meditate.

[Anonymous]

You literally say you can't do anything and then in the next sentence ask if there's anything you can do. Without you telling us how your friend may die, it's impossible for us to help you.

If she owes money to the Mafia and are coming to collect after giving her extensions, and she can't pay, then no, there's nothing you can do. If she has stage 1 cancer, there's a lot you can do.

[Anonymous]

I would pray.
Next I would think about how I could help your friend's family in both scenarios: friend survives or doesn't. What tangible will need to be taken care of.
Then I would take this opportunity to make sure my life is in order. What if it were you in the life or death situation. What would you wish you had done or said to your family. Start working on that in a positive way. Maybe think of how you can do something positive with your kids to honor your friend.

[Anonymous]

With your kids, you say nothing right now.

If the person dies, you tell them.

If they don't die, then when all is safe, and you are no longer distraught, you will think it through then and decide whether or not to tell them and how much to tell them.

If your current behavior is freaking your kids out, then ( try to clam down) you can tell them something to make them know that you are OK, and they are OK, and that you are upset about something outside the immediate family, and that nothing is wrong in the immediate home, but that you are sad/upset. Kids need to know that when they sense trauma, or they will imagine all sorts of things when they pick up on parental distress.

[Anonymous]

My advice would really depend on the exact situation. Is this a situation where your friend could die tomorrow, or a situation where they have cancer with a very low survival rate and will probably die in the next 3-6 months. You would handle this situations very differently.

[Anonymous]

We are all going to die someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are all going to die someday.

So helpful.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, your post is pointless. There is nothing you can do…. You give zero details so how are we supposed to offer advice? If it is something like she is really sick and will die and before then, her health, look or mobility may change then we could offer advise on how to prepare your kids but again, you told us nothing… you say she has told people widely but you can’t give the bare minimum on here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your post is pointless. There is nothing you can do…. You give zero details so how are we supposed to offer advice? If it is something like she is really sick and will die and before then, her health, look or mobility may change then we could offer advise on how to prepare your kids but again, you told us nothing… you say she has told people widely but you can’t give the bare minimum on here?

The point of OP’s post was obviously a cry in the night for help, the kind of existential help we all seek when a dear one is in peril. OK? She’s worried. She’s seeking reassurance that obviously no one can guarantee. What we can say, we have. Be kind. Just tell her to say a prayer, hope for the best, hold off on any action or decision until she knows the outcomes or next steps, and tell her you hope all will be well. That’s kind.

I hope all will be well, OP. You’re not in control, and that is scary. But I hope there is some relief knowing that this is not in your hands, and all you can do, you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You literally say you can't do anything and then in the next sentence ask if there's anything you can do. Without you telling us how your friend may die, it's impossible for us to help you.

If she owes money to the Mafia and are coming to collect after giving her extensions, and she can't pay, then no, there's nothing you can do. If she has stage 1 cancer, there's a lot you can do.

This is crazy...if the mafia was after my friend and all it took to keep her alive was money, then I would find a way to get that money for her! Cancer is a completely different monster

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are all going to die someday.

Really? So deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP.

Is there anything productive to stay busy? Arranging to cut their lawn or make a meal? I wouldn’t tell the kids. Let your spouse shield them.

I’d also be finding a therapist, because for me that’s helpful to deal with stress and grief.

Thank you. I can’t believe I hadn’t even thought about seeing a therapist. My mind is scrambled.

Kids have noticed I’m a bit out of it. I have to get it together so they don’t feel ignored. This is a friend of spouse, too, so we are supporting each other. I’m grateful to have someone.

OP