I got the stink-eye from a grandmother

[Anonymous]

I would suggest getting him some good exercise before the class, like playing at a playground for an hour or so. Burning off some energy first may make him less excitable during the class.

More generally, I know you don’t want to stop going, but you can’t keep going if you can’t get a handle on his behavior. He is endangering the safety of other children, which should be far more of a concern to you than whether another adult gives you a look when your child does something dangerous. If the usual tips of advance exercise, good sleep, healthy snack, etc., don’t work, I would consider having your child evaluated in case there are other underlying issues that are keeping him from behaving safely and appropriately.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do tell him beforehand and I am trying to stop him from hurting anyone else.

Is there any other way to handle this without leaving the class? It was expensive and he needs the activity. The rest of the class is doing things he can’t throw (except for balls which oddly he doesn’t throw. Ugh)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your son not to throw the equipment, and next time anticipate it before it happens. No biggie.

We tell him not to throw all the time!! OP here. And I’m the only parent in this class involved and not sitting on the sidelines and I still couldn’t catch the toys before they were thrown.

BUT WHAT DO YOU TELL HIM HE CAN DO!!!!!?

You need to learn to redirect behaviors from inappropriate to appropriate. Telling him over and over that he cant throw is dumb. He knows he cant throw, he doesnt care because he has no impulse control and the pathway for when he feels frustrated or angry is I feel this= I react by throwing. You MUST be able to connect the emotion to a new appropriate action. You cannot throw, you can stomp your feet. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT. Show him, read about these emotions and then ask and what do we do if we get upset? stomp our feet/count to 3/etc. Most importantly dialogue when you feel angry or frustrated and what you are doing. Ex. Argh I am so frustrated right now! I need to take a big breath and count to 3.

Physical reactions to emotions are okay at this age. You need to direct the physical manifestation of the emotion to appropriate, non-aggressive towards others behaviors. As they get older you can work on concepts like taking a breath, walking away, needing space, working through the emotion and being able to calm down OR recognize whether it is something you want to address and if not, letting it go.

We tell him all the time that we only throw balls. We tell him he can jump when he’s excited and stomp his feet when he’s angry. We show him and repeat, repeat, repeat.

[Anonymous]

My kid was like this. Yes, it's exhausting. For years, you will likely be the parent that can't relax and feels like she ran a marathon after a birthday party. Just be prepared that this is not going to be fun or social or relaxing time for you. This is go time.

There are some tactics you can use that are helpful -- there are some good books to read, many of them are focused on kids with ADHD who often need these strategies. Some parenting classes teach them as well -- look for stuff targeted to spirited children.

Two tactics that helped me:

1. It's harder for the brain to process a negative than a positive. So instead of saying "Don't throw the horse." say something like "When you get off the horse, hand him to mommy!" or "When you get off the horse, give him a big hug and wave goodbye!" Replace the negative behavior with a positive behavior, ideally one he will enjoy. This means you always have to be thinking ahead and anticipating the negative action.

2. Talk through the event in advance with social stories at a moment when the kid's brain is more calm and receptive. For instance, on the way to a birthday party, we would talk about party rules. What do you think are good party rules? Have fun! That's a great rule! What about when cake is served? Sit down to eat! Great idea! What about if there are lots of kids that want cake at the same time? Wait your turn! It's similar to exercising a muscle or developing muscle memory -- practice it in advance so that it's rote for the actual event, plus if they have to come up with the answers, that's like active exercise instead of passive. You can even do little practice runs at home, like at home you can "play gym" and practice behaviors.

3. Last resort is negative consequences. "Oh, I'm sorry honey, but last time you rode the horse, you threw him. It's not safe to throw horses, so you can't ride the horse this week." At home, I had a pretty strict "Toys that get thrown have to be taken away. I'm so sorry, but that's the rule to keep everyone safe." Passive voice can be your friend here, as can the unidentified power-that-be that creates the rules. This is a little hard with the gym, because of the passage of time. You could also just take him out of the gym for a time out when he does that--not skip the whole class, but a 3-5 minute time out will likely make the point, especially if he has to skip the next activity.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just take him out into the hallway or parking lot so he understands you’re serious about going home if he doesn’t stop. Otherwise…your son doesn’t just get to terrorize the other kids because the class was expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do tell him beforehand and I am trying to stop him from hurting anyone else.

Is there any other way to handle this without leaving the class? It was expensive and he needs the activity. The rest of the class is doing things he can’t throw (except for balls which oddly he doesn’t throw. Ugh)

Are there consequences when he ignores you and throws things after you said not to? At 3.5, you should at least take away the toy and say no more toys until he can play with them without throwing. If there are no consequence to ignoring you, he's going to keep doing it

[Anonymous]

Another way to avoid excess energy like this is to run him on a playground for 30 min in the morning before class. That way he's able to sit still better and pay better attention. Lots of elementary school parents do this too with high energy or ADHD kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do tell him beforehand and I am trying to stop him from hurting anyone else.

Is there any other way to handle this without leaving the class? It was expensive and he needs the activity. The rest of the class is doing things he can’t throw (except for balls which oddly he doesn’t throw. Ugh)

Can you make him sit on the sidelines and watch for the portion of the class with throwable toys? Like the first time he throws he needs to sit with you until things he can't throw come back, which hopefully won't be too long, and means he gets some benefit of the class without endangering anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3.5 year old has a lot of energy and spirit. When he’s excited or upset about something he doesn’t know what to do and throws things. We’re working hard on it.

Yesterday we went to an outdoor gym class and they had one of those roller coaster riders (light plastic) and those rubber bouncy horses. DS loved the roller coaster but threw it when his turn was over. A grandmother with another 3.5 year old in the class and a toddler (just watching) sort of smiled at me like she understood. Then DS bounced on the horse and got excited and threw it and it almost hit the toddler. If looks could kill, I would be dead. I apologized and she said nothing. She just picked up the toddler who was startled but not crying.

I’m embarrassed. I don’t know how to get my son to stop. Please don’t tell me the only way is to leave the class since the class is expensive and the exercise really helps him. I know this grandmother dislikes me and my son.

I was pretty sympathetic until the bolded, but wow. "I know my son throws things , disrupts the class and almost hit another kid, but the class was pricey, so they'll just have to deal with it. It doesn't really matter that everyone else paid the same price for the class."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1,2, 3 Magic, op. Buy it and live by it. Your kid is old enough for it.
The book fixes how you behave and discipline and raise your kid. Catching up flying toys instead of stopping your kid, my something.

+1

We used this method and it's so easy. Now I don't have to count I just have a look that enforces behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your son not to throw the equipment, and next time anticipate it before it happens. No biggie.

We tell him not to throw all the time!! OP here. And I’m the only parent in this class involved and not sitting on the sidelines and I still couldn’t catch the toys before they were thrown.

Then you're not standing close enough to your child. You have to stop him from throwing, not block/catch the thing he threw. Perhaps you should keep him out of these organized activities until this throwing phase is over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your son not to throw the equipment, and next time anticipate it before it happens. No biggie.

We tell him not to throw all the time!! OP here. And I’m the only parent in this class involved and not sitting on the sidelines and I still couldn’t catch the toys before they were thrown.

You may need to stop the class for a while until you have a handle on things. It’s not fair to other kids to have things thrown at them.
-signed, mother of a former biter who had to avoid certain situations until he stopped

+1

In this specific case, OP, he was done with the class when he threw the first thing. It's a safety risk to other kids.

Also: yes to 123 Magic and also to helping him expend his energy BEFORE the class (or any group activity like this). If excessive energy is part of what leads to throwing, burn it off. I agree with others about the positive redirection, too. It's normal for kids that age to get really upset and have big reactions. So, yes, show him what he can do. He'll get it, but you will also have to be all over him through the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do tell him beforehand and I am trying to stop him from hurting anyone else.

Is there any other way to handle this without leaving the class? It was expensive and he needs the activity. The rest of the class is doing things he can’t throw (except for balls which oddly he doesn’t throw. Ugh)

Can you make him sit on the sidelines and watch for the portion of the class with throwable toys? Like the first time he throws he needs to sit with you until things he can't throw come back, which hopefully won't be too long, and means he gets some benefit of the class without endangering anyone?

This! If most of the class is not throwable toys, just don't do that part. And after a couple weeks of avoiding, you can have a conversation about trying again.

But the people who say you need to run off the excess energy before class are also on to something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your son not to throw the equipment, and next time anticipate it before it happens. No biggie.

We tell him not to throw all the time!! OP here. And I’m the only parent in this class involved and not sitting on the sidelines and I still couldn’t catch the toys before they were thrown.

Then you're not standing close enough to your child. You have to stop him from throwing, not block/catch the thing he threw. Perhaps you should keep him out of these organized activities until this throwing phase is over?

But he *needs* the exercise, so it really doesn't matter what he does. He need it!

[Anonymous]

OP's kid is pretty smart. He trained his mom to keep a fun game and plays catch with her.