Reply to I got the stink-eye from a grandmother

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[quote=Anonymous]My kid was like this.  Yes, it's exhausting.  For years, you will likely be the parent that can't relax and feels like she ran a marathon after a birthday party.  Just be prepared that this is not going to be fun or social or relaxing time for you.  This is go time.

There are some tactics you can use that are helpful -- there are some good books to read, many of them are focused on kids with ADHD who often need these strategies.  Some parenting classes teach them as well -- look for stuff targeted to spirited children.

Two tactics that helped me:

1. It's harder for the brain to process a negative than a positive.  So instead of saying "Don't throw the horse." say something like "When you get off the horse, hand him to mommy!"  or "When you get off the horse, give him a big hug and wave goodbye!"  Replace the negative behavior with a positive behavior, ideally one he will enjoy.  This means you always have to be thinking ahead and anticipating the negative action.

2. Talk through the event in advance with social stories at a moment when the kid's brain is more calm and receptive.  For instance, on the way to a birthday party, we would talk about party rules.  What do you think are good party rules?  Have fun!  That's a great rule!  What about when cake is served?  Sit down to eat!  Great idea!  What about if there are lots of kids that want cake at the same time?  Wait your turn!  It's similar to exercising a muscle or developing muscle memory -- practice it in advance so that it's rote for the actual event, plus if they have to come up with the answers, that's like active exercise instead of passive.  You can even do little practice runs at home, like at home you can "play gym" and practice behaviors.

3.  Last resort is negative consequences.  "Oh, I'm sorry honey, but last time you rode the horse, you threw him.  It's not safe to throw horses, so you can't ride the horse this week."  At home, I had a pretty strict "Toys that get thrown have to be taken away. I'm so sorry, but that's the rule to keep everyone safe."  Passive voice can be your friend here, as can the unidentified power-that-be that creates the rules.  This is a little hard with the gym, because of the passage of time.  You could also just take him out of the gym for a time out when he does that--not skip the whole class, but a 3-5 minute time out will likely make the point, especially if he has to skip the next activity.
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